Recently I was discussing the topic of diodes with a friend. One might wonder about such scintillating conversation, but I quite enjoy the dialogue because I never know how it will invigorate my thinking process. This seemingly inconsequential discussion prompted me to pull out an educational arch-nemesis. My Digital Systems textbook. A tome of torture if ever there were one. Calculations like spells, cast upon paper, derivations of devilry meant to arrive at mathematical feats that some people’s brains should never aspire to, mine in particular. Thankfully this post has little to do with digital systems and more about the fact that I discovered or perhaps rediscovered the manifesto spoken of above. I don’t recall putting it in the book, but the tenets found within the forty-three points rung a little more authentic for me today than in 2012, or whenever it was that I put it in the book for later use. I have to wonder about the timing of finding this but was quite amused to read point 18. Considering I’m writing this post at around 3 a.m. Stay up late. Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far; been up too long, worked too hard, and you’re separated from the rest of the world. I ended up deciding that as part of my growth process I needed to actually hit the publish button on things. I have 20 drafts saved in my WordPress ‘Save Draft’ folder, and I have three children’s books, one historical fiction/clean romance, and three SF books that need to see the light of day. I also started a vlog. Me. A vlog.
I recently purchased a years subscription to a battery of Masterclasses. One of the classes includes instruction by Col. Hadfield, Canadian Astronaut. Whose list of achievements includes installing the Canadarm2 in 2001, Chief of Robotics, CapCom, NASA’s operation in Russia, to piloting a Russian Soyuz. The first Canadian commander of the International Space Station (ISS), to name but a few. He also does not too bad of a cover of 'Space Oddity'. In some sense, when one sits down to write, I think they take on the challenge of becoming knowledgeable in many areas. They fact check meticulously, or at least they should. It was in this spirit that I thought, what better way to learn more about what I'm attempting to write about. What better way to write better about space, than by learning more about space exploration from the lips of someone who had actually been there. I've always adored Col. Chris Hadfield, I loved the way he showcased his particular personality and the quirky way he would interact with the Earth, while he was on the International Space Station. So immediately, even though I am attempting to focus on writing, my first Masterclass was his. I wouldn't have had it any other way. He's a compelling storyteller, and he has an engaging way of expressing how he felt about what he was doing. More resoundingly, I find that his expertise in what he's speaking about is just that. Expert level experience. His explanations are simplistic in nature but meaty enough for those who would like to do more digging. In one of the forums related to the class, it asks the question 'Would you go to Mars?' I think anyone who has ever looked up at the night sky and dreamed of walking on the moon would likely jump at the chance. At least until they got around to thinking of the logistics and practicality of such a journey. I appreciated Col. Hadfield's breakdown of the necessary qualities of those who went to the ISS or to even be an astronaut. He spoke of the value of having a calm level head, under difficult circumstances. He spoke of personalities and leadership styles. He spoke of the way that an individual must learn to be more of a generalist in the sense of what they know, rather than just one specific area of focus. Yet, each comes with their own particular strengths/skill. As he continued to speak, I thought 'I’m listening to these inspiring words about 30 years too late.' While the younger me used to dream of becoming a doctor, she also dreamed of becoming an astronaut. The inability to do mathematics though swayed my decision to not pursue that course. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I realized I could actually be successful in math. I needed to approach it differently and have an instructor who could cycle through a number of different ways of teaching it. Mine tended to connect points but skipped steps. The easiest way I can explain it; if we were counting from 1 to 4, I would go from 1 to 4, but I couldn't tell you how I got there. This became apparent to me in some of the later mathematics and physics classes I took. I'd often stay behind and I remember one particular incident where another student and I were listening as the instructor explained a rather complex equation to us. Within moments of him finishing, I exclaimed 'Oh! I get it', and I started to explain the equation we were using to my fellow student. The Prof confirmed 'Yes, that's correct, but he's not there yet. He needs to make different steps in understanding than you do.' I had always believed my brain was incapable of doing the math, yet not only was it doing it was also doing some of the more complex math found in theoretical physics. He floored me even further with the statement 'S, if you could get your math together, I think I could be looking at the next Nobel Prize winner in theoretical physics. I've never seen anyone make the leaps in understanding you do.' Whether he was sincere or not, I don't really know. However, it did encourage me to keep trying. So if you happen to read this, and you think you can't do the math, or coursework that requires some heavy math that's a lie. You need a different teacher. Not saying that the teacher you have isn't fabulous, they may just not be able to put complex subjects into a language that you personally can understand. I found my professor at a local university. Long hair, carpenters jeans and he looked a whole lot like Jesus. I also had a private snicker about that, because I had figured it would require someone who could practically walk on water when it came to teaching me math. So while I've somewhat deviated from the original question, I wanted to encourage those who may look at this, read the question and think 'I'd love to be an astronaut, I'd love to go to Mars, but I can't do the math.' Let me repeat for emphasis, find someone who can teach you the subjects you are struggling with. In returning to the topic at hand, Col. Hadfield thinks that those who will populate Mars are currently in school. I tend to agree with him. The ones who will go there will be our children and perhaps even our grandchildren. So while I would have loved to have gone, I'll leave those goals to the younger generation and do my best to support those curious little minds the best I can.
Mother's Day is a bittersweet event in my household. It's littered with grief, anger, sorrow, disgust, and all those emotions that I would much rather just not feel. I had a fabulous Mom. Lost her to a heart attack when she was 42. I was 24. Days like today, I miss her like crazy. I'd always buy her fake flowers, it was a running joke. As I raise my Grandchildren, and I watch their Mother talk about how much she misses her kids on Facebook, the rage sets in. If you miss them so much CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR. Do what you must to make it happen. Let the pain of losing them propel you to become a better person for them, for yourself. I feel cheated sometimes. Yes, I chose to raise them, but I have done my part, in raising my own children and I did my part well. Regardless of the choices they later made. However, because of their Mother's selfishness, and my son's absolute idiocy I am left to clean up their mess once more, otherwise the children are the ones to suffer. It is something I accept and am grateful to be able to do, but I am also human and am allowing myself to be angry. Days like today I can't help but feel out and out like smacking them both upside the head and saying 'If I at the ripe age of 15 could decide to raise you, and do it well, then you at 30 can certainly shoulder this load.' Instead, I'll just write about it, let the grandchildren call their Mom and smile and pretend its all okay.
On May 22, 2010, I married the man I had waited 5 years for. It was agony waiting, and I nearly gave up on him. I was full of uncertainty at that point, thinking that if he didn't know me by now then he was never going to know me. We've hit some dark days in our relationship, and yet we've always come out stronger for it. I was reminded today by a program on Netflix what a couple with a good relationship looks like. They smile, they laugh, they play, they support each other. I realize I've been failing in several of these things. Reminders are important because they instruct us to not give up the truth for a lie.
Another dredged up memory from the blue book of depression. This one actually made me laugh though. I remember my first kiss well. I was in Grade 8, there was this boy that I had just come to notice. Somehow the two of us ended up in one of the closets in the portable of the science class and that's where it happened. I remember feeling guilty later, not because I had kissed him or that he had kissed me, but that instead of being in science class learning about the 2nd law of thermodynamics, I was working on the beginnings of a practical genetics experiment.
Oumuamua, the first interstellar object known to enter our solar system, accelerated faster away from the Sun than expected, hence the notion that some kind of artificial sail that runs on sunlight - known as a light sail - may have helped push it through space. https://www.sbs.com.au/news/oumuamua-the-mysterious-object-tumbling-through-space-is-probably-not-an-alien-probe Alien #1: Oh crumb, they've seen us. Alien #2: Let's just pretend we're an asteroid. Alien #1: Um, we kind of are riding an asteroid. Alien #2: No we're not, this is a cruise vessel with a sail that runs on power from that yellow dwarf star you see over there. Alien #1: Phhht, prove it. Alien #2: Hits the gas..... Alien #1: Drat, I think they seen us punch it! Alien #2: It's okay, they have the collective IQ of the pond scum back on Proxima Centauri b, they won't be following us... Alien #1: That's not nice. Alien #2: I know, that's why I said it. Alien #1,2:
Make up a really awkward description or ad for an online dating site. Cat lady. Owner of two really cute cats. Must like cats. Must like items made out of cat fur; purses, sweaters, slippers and of course hats. Also a dog lady. Owner of two ferocious hounds from hell. One may bite, the other will bite. Must not mind dog and cat hair on any of your clothing. If interested, send picture of your cat.
In our house we have a whiteboard on the fridge where I write down a phrase that I want the grandkids to think about, or to focus on, and it makes up the title of this entry 'Listen to learn'. It has become a focal point because there just seems to be a disconnect in their brains when it comes to connecting what they're being told with what they retain. Since I've already raised three kids, I know this is par for the course. We had a bit of an epiphany moment the other day though with the 10 year old. We were reading some information about the Moon. Particularly details about how far it was from the earth, what it was comprised of, and so on. My granddaughter looks at me and goes, 'Why didn't I know this?' In one of the rare moments when the 'proper speech' filter fails, I reply 'Look at the (beep) you learn when you actually listen.' She got a wide eyed look, and said 'GRANDMA!!!' I'm like, 'WHAT?!' It's true. You LEARN when you listen. Somehow, I don't think she'll forget what she learned that day. Excrement expletive and all.
I bought this book back in July fully intending to fill it with my random thoughts. Apparently I'm brain dead of late. I got 8 pages in and stalled hard...
The job that was giving me anxiety. Husband got a job offer elsewhere which made it much easier for me to just walk away. I have another interview with a local college for some on call support work. I began looking around for local writers groups, and at some of the authors who had produced work within my new community. So far the community is pretty tiny, but sometimes the largest trees grow from the tiniest of seeds.
A new acquaintance of mine brought to my attention a quote about writing out feelings. I wanted to take this opportunity to explore a new anxiety I have from a job I've been doing a couple of years. I find myself hating the thought of getting up and going there in the morning. The people are pleasant, the work semi-engaging, and yet I've never dealt with this level of internal resistance when it comes to work. Once I get there, I'm completely fine, I settle in, and I get my work done. Yet, after a vacation or the weekend its the same feeling, like I'd rather just not be there. I can't quite put my finger on why there's such a level of anxiety, but it could very well stem from one or more people being absent, the heavy workload, and/or any new requests that might come in that day. We have a small office, and we have over 100 requests, and legislated timelines. The job is like fighting a chimera, you chop one of its heads off and 3 others pop up. I've been looking for a new job, which kind of dismays me because I do like the team I work with, and I do like the work. I just wish I knew why I felt such anxiety. It's only been with this job and only this role. The role is not hard, its actually beneath my educational level and I find it rather easy, but the volumes keep it challenging. Any thoughts welcome.
"White hair floating like foam on a turbulent green ocean." I started my story off with this one sentence, and while it may not seem special to anyone but me, it conjures up this image that seems to lead off in a thousand different directions. Yet, it doesn't fit in any of the directions my WIP is going. I've written no less than 5 different iterations of a starting paragraph, and I can't work it in. Maybe I'll just leave it here and I'll find another home for it. Someday.
Apparently, much of my writing is done in passive voice. I didn't know this, and frankly its completely messing with anything I write. I have to sit down and rewrite everything so it isn't sounding like some passive aggressive waif is writing. What the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with me!!!! Also, I've discovered my dialogue is boring drivel. *Tears hair out*
Aphelion is a nodosaur that has been genetically enhanced with DNA for hunting and tracking of predators throughout the galaxy. He is swift, cunning, intelligent, and connected telepathically with his owner. Aphelion is typically docile, until provoked, or sicced on a predator that deserves it. He possesses a large body comprised of plates, scales, and extrusions and is decorated quite handsomely by neon jagged stripes. His lower body, specifically his chin, chest, stomach, inner tail, thighs, and arms, are darkly iridescent, much like a raven wing in color, and appear to be rather smooth. His head is blunt with four, large, elongated plates extending backward. Aphelion's mouth is full of razor-sharp teeth, and, his chin is of a reversed triangle structure. Like any other pet, he is eager to please but often impulsive and easily distracted by food.
I've been absent for a few months, and haven't done a whole lot of writing up until lately. It seems to go in spurts. I need to keep spurting.