Heartless World Ch. 1 (The start to my book) let me know what you think.

By BeautifulEscape · Aug 9, 2010 · ·
  1. Chapter 1

    The Bell rung ending history class for a young sixteen year old Thomas Rawson, who say in the boy's bathroom listing to his CD player, waiting for the class to end. Thomas was sixteen years old, had long black hair with red in the front, was five foot seven, and he wore glasses even though he wore contacts. He always wore black baggy pants with chains on them most of the time, a black shirt that had a band name always on it, and had black and red skater shoes on. Thomas was always getting in dangerous situations so he was a longer and was a mysterious person. Even though he was a great climber and was fast he was always disturbed about something and goes into a dark mood a lot, which meant that he got distracted a lot. But if any of his friends got into trouble he would protect them. "Well better be hitting the old dusty trail," he said aloud scratching a scar on his arm. Thomas had many scars, so he became so used to the pain that he doesn't feel much pain and when he does feel pain he sometimes likes it, since it meant he could actually feel it. As Thomas walked out of the bathroom he noticed his history teacher looking at something in his direction. His teacher was smiling. "Oh no, how did he know I was in school today?" Thomas asked himself once he know that his teacher was looking at him. Just as Thomas tried to get into a crowd, his teacher called him over. "Man, I'm in so much trouble," he muttered walking over to his teacher.

    "Why weren't you in class this morning?" his teacher Mr. Henry asked coldly. Mr. Henry was one of the tallest teachers int he school. he was six foot ten, had short gray hair with a bald spot on the top of his head. He was about seventy-sever years old, which made him one of the oldest, meanest teachers in school. "I'll ask you again, why weren't you in my class today?"

    "Cause I didn't feel like listening to your boring less again about history of The Dark Ages," Thomas answered dryly. "I hate listening to you talk, and talk, and talk about history that will never repeat itself. History is the stupidest subject to have as a class."

    Mr. Henry was then dumfounded. Never in his forty years of teaching had he ever heard someone say history was stupid. "How dare you say that history is boring, you...."

    "No i said history was stupid", Thomas interrupted. "Now if you excuse me I need to get to my math class," and Thomas started to walk away.

    "Hold it! You're not going anywhere!" Mr. Henry yelled. "You're coming with me to the principal's officer to get you suspended for skipping my class!"

    "Oh no I'm going to be suspended. I'm so scared," Thomas said sarcastically laughing.

    "Why you little....," Mr. Henry started red-faced, but caught himself by saying the rest of the sentence.

    "Go on you can say that curse, come on you can do it," Thomas told him treating him like a baby.

    "I'm not an evil hearted person like you Thomas," Mr. Henry said.

    "Whoa, ok that's a lie. You're the meanest and strictest teacher on earth. Why is that?" Thomas counted.

    "That's none of your business," Mr. Henry replied. Thomas then saw a different mood in his teacher. They just stood there for a moment not saying a word. Finally his teacher said, "Get to class, here's a hall pass. And don't let me catch you skipping my class again".
    Thomas noticed that there was a deep sadness in his voice like he was depressed. "Ok," was all Thomas said before walking down the hallway. "What was that all about?" Thomas muttered to himself.

Comments

  1. BeautifulEscape
    Note: This is just the start of Chapter 1. It's not the whole chapter. Just kind a taste of what its about and somewhat of my writing style.
  2. Zane
    Hello, Darya.
    First, what atracted me to jump in and read this, was a rpg called kingdome hearts, and I´m glad. That was interesting to read :)

    On the beggining, the way yo described him, I honestly think you could cut one of the parts where you say he´s 16, cause you say it twice.

    Another thing I liked, was Thomas´s personality, I an see a bit of myself in him. Sometimes I also change into a dark mood, and later, when I think about it, I don´t even recoginize myself by the way I change. What makes me do that, is mainy injustice, that happens to me, and to my friends, so yeah I always stand up for my friends too =)

    Lol, you should put the disclaimer, where you say that any person similarities are purely coincidential, cause I had a teacher exactly like Mr Henry :p
    I like the way you made thomas act, regarding Henry. Even though he was rude, he was rude to a mean and strict person, but instead of getting any punishment, it seems that he had awakened henry´s heart for a while.


    I think, you could later tell something about how Thomas received so many scars (it isn´t really normal for a 16 year ol kid. For a soldier, it would be more normal, and a person woudn´t even need an explanation on how he received them).

    I got confused about a thing, but that isn´t bad at all.
    If your book was published and I was reading it, I would keep on reading just to know the answer =).
    What made me confuse, was: how your´s story gonna be like?

    From my point of view, it could be dramatic, or it could suddenly start to be a science fiction.

    It could even be a romance, about people that are "heartless" and they regaining their "hearts" back I said that literally of course :p

    If you post something on the review room, I think I´ll read, expetially if it´s more pages of this story :D
  3. Capt Bob
    Hate to nitpick, but a quick proofread might take out some of those small, "rapid/inattentive" errors one keeps tripping over.

    Can't criticize, I do the same thing. Maybe that's why it bothers me-?. Is English your 1'st language?.
  4. eliza490
    It think this is a good beginning once you correct the errors. For example, repeating that he's sixteen, saying "he always...most of the time", etc. One other thing stands out to me. It doesn't seem very realistic that the teacher would give him a hall pass after he was being talked down to like that. I just don't think a teacher would do that if they were being treated that way.
    ~Eliza
  5. BeautifulEscape

    Sadly, English isn't my first language, Hebrew is, but there is no way I could right it all that way and everyone understand. Not only that, but, I've been learning English the last several years. It's not 100% but it is slowly getting there. I hope that answers your question. :)
  6. BeautifulEscape
    Thank you,
    As for the story and what its going to be like, you'll just have to wait and see. I have three chapters in total on this one to type up and thirteen chapters in another.
    I'm glad you can relate to the character in some ways. I actually based him off a old friend of mine that I knew growing up.
    I'll probably proof this a few times and then add the rest of this chapter to the review room later on in a few days. :)
    Thanks again for taking the time to read this and comment on it.
  7. BeautifulEscape
    In some ways it could be. The teacher could have seen the truth in something said or had a act of kindness at that moment from realizing something. It's not always the case but it could be.
    Other then that, thank you for taking the time to read and comment :)
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