Make belief ataraxia

Spent all day, staring blankly at the ceiling, at the screen, at my guitar, at peoples mouths moving. I'm trying to concentrate on something - anything! - but I keep failing. I don't know how to start. I should start looking for a part time job. I'm almost out of cash and things are starting to look bleak. I should practice the new songs we've decided and stop canceling sessions, due to the imaginary hiatus that's been bugging me. I should start writing the screenplay for the project I have to present in completion in 16 days and I don't even have a story in mind yet. I need to find actors, a camera, locations, a competent computer, a dedicated, unpaid crew would also be greatly appreciated. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to make it in time this time. I should continue with my novel or at least mop the fucking floor. Be productive in something somehow! I've been absent minded since December and I don't know why. My mind is all over the place. I just can't concentrate.

It's not a matter of stress though, I swear. I know how this sounds, but it's not. Although things piled up, I've been witnessing them - day in, day out - turn as such from a very aware, plus apathetic point of view. They have to be done. They must and I know exactly why. I know about the consequences, but I just don't feel like it. I'm completely out of it. Have I stayed on the sunny side for too long? Have I become soft? Spoilt. My god, how have I been able to survive for so long? Has it been just a lucky strike that I've been so greedily consuming all this time, unaware and ungrateful towards my guardian star that's about to explode any time now? Yes, I've let it down to the point it turned suicidal.

It's not that I haven't been trying though. At least, I think I have. The problem with apathy is that it numbs normal emotional responses and reactions. This can turn beneficial on your behalf sometimes. It keeps you collected in the most adverse situations. Quality check? Check. Productivity? Check. Poker face? No problem. Your head is as clear as a bell. Panic? Please. That's for suckaz. On the other hand, it can also get deceiving once it gets a nihilistic twist. Not having the sense of worry, plus feeling so comfortably numb, since everything has been devalued upon their effort can leave you unsuspectingly unmotivated. Tired. Drained. Uninspired. Quality check? 502 Bad Gateway. Productivity? 501 Not Implemented. Poker face? No problem. Your head is as clear as a blank page. Panic? Please. That's for the living.

To understand clearly to which extend I can bend all good reason in this state until it turns into a twisted scrap of distorted idealism and what a bum I can become, I'll provide a self reflective inner dialogue that might - I said might - awaken me from slumber. It's like playing chess against yourself.

A - Hey, what's up? Wanna talk? Haven't done this in a while.
B - Sure, why not?
A - So, what are we doing?
B - Thinking.
A - Thinking about what?
B - White.
A - White... Right... So, what about white?
B - Nothing. It's just... the ceiling is white.
A - Oh, I see...
B - Indeed.
A - Shouldn't we be thinking about something else?
B - Like?
A - Like something more meaningful, like our screenplay story perhaps.
B - Yes, we've tried that.
A - And?
B - We failed again and again. It's too fuzzy. The white gets in the way. It's too distracting.
A - How about we close our eyes then?
B - We can't. They hurt when we do that.
A - How about we just shut the lights then?
B - Then it gets too dark. Catch my drift?
A - ... and the darkness is distracting...
B - Sure is.
A - Then we should at least play guitar. The songs have been decided already. This should be easy. Might get us unstuck.
B - Yes, tried that already. We can't.
A - How come?
B - Because we suck. We can't memorise a tune even if our lives depended on it. We've been going in circles. We're just not feeling it today. It'll all come back to us tomorrow.
A - I see... Tomorrow...
B - ...
A - How many tomorrows has it been already?
B - I don't know. I've lost count.
A - Let me help you. It's been nearly two months.
B - Oh shit, has it already?
A - Yes it has and time is running out. We should hurry.
B - Come on, don't be so harsh. You know that we've been trying all this time.
A - In which way exactly?
B - We've been avoiding any kind of socialising, enclosing ourselves in this confined space, drinking an excess of coffee, thinking.
A - Thinking about what?!
B - White.
A - I see. So we've managed to become retarded. Bravo!
B - Don't be so pessimistic. Maybe it's a new height of enlightenment we've reached. Some people pay yoga instructors in order to reach this phase of effortless blankness. "Become a white cloud". Who was it that said that? Osho, I think...
A - We're in deep shit.
B - We're fine.
A - No, we're not and I can prove it.
B - Go on then.
A - Let's contain this axiom within the barriers of philosophical values, since we know we lack the basic knowledge of far eastern spiritualism.
B - I'm all ears.
A - You're claiming that we might be enlightened. Can you claim that we've reached the level of stoic ataraxia?
B - Hm... Might as well have. Sounds right.
A - Have not. In ataraxia you are free of any emotional disturbances due to apatheia and mentally you are in a state of tranquility.
B - I see where you are going with that. Since we are still "trying", we are not absolutely mentally tranquil. Okay, we're not there yet, but we're getting there. At least we've reached apatheia. It's a good sign.
B - Oh, is it? What if I were to tell you that soon we'll have no money to buy cigarettes...
A - Displeasing...
B - ... to eat food...
A - Unsettling.
B - ... to sustain a roof over our heads...
A - Highly uncomfortable.
B - So...?
A - We'd better do something. We're not ready for real ataraxia yet.
B - No, we're not. Glad we agreed upon something today.
A - Imma go type something now.
B - Fair enough.

C - Shit! I think I might have come up with a script.
D - It's crap.
E - Who cares?
F - Em... guys? We need to get a job first.
G - I'm on it!