Mr. Peter Panda the Bear Cat Gave Me Toxoplasmosis

Mr. Peter Panda the Bear Cat Gave Me Toxoplasmosis


Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat

So I have a cat, the cats name is Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat he is a feral cat and has probably given me Toxoplasmosis. The Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat story starts with him being stuck about 60 feet up in a bulimic tree right outside of my window. Panda was crying like the little bitch, so I say that to give some audio perspective

Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat likes to sex up my feetsies and cuddle at night, the fucking my feet he probably derived from me, I like to give him a little tickle on the nuts once and a while and that usually gets him fired up, but not to digress I am going to explain why and what I did to adopt this little fucking bear cat and save him from the tree he was stuck in, and the reason why I think he has given me Toxoplasmosis and could be the first Professional Colombian Jiu-Jitsu Feline Champion of America

So the day starts off with smoking pot as usual, I started to hear a faint cat cry and then it got a bit louder, so I look out my window and what do you know there is a cat stuck in the tree next door and it's kinda wedged in a crux of the tree what I would would call the vagina of the tree branch, and this cat was crying like a little bitch, so I paid it no mind and carried on with my weed smoking and shut the window cause who gives a fuck that a cats in a tee they do that for birds and a panorama vista.

So a few hours went by and the crying was getting more annoying and more annoying and I decided to throw rocks at him...I'm kidding I didn't throw rocks, I threw feathers and cotton balls, I just went to sleep and figured he would be out of the tree in the morning. The next day comes and I wake up to this cat crying and meowing away and I figured he was probably doing that all night and I realized this little mother fucker was not only a bitch, he was a bitch stuck in a tree vagina who is too stupid to get down.


I had no choice but to leave for work and I felt a little bad so I opened the window and yelled out "Hey you little bitch knock it off and get down from that bulimic vagina crux"

So the work day was over, I work nights, when I got home at 3:30 am I heard a faint meow and as I walked into my backyard the security light popped on and it made the little bitch panda start to meow louder and louder, I looked up into the tree and I looked at this cat who was stuck looking down at me meowing and I started to wonder how dumb was this animal?

So I said "you a lil bitch get your little bitch ass down here and meow like that to my face"and I went upstairs and went to sleep. So day 3 comes and this cat would not shut up all night, it was meowing like a maniac cat stuck in a tree all night. So I wake up light a joint and make a coffee and all I could hear was "meow meow mmmmeeeeowwwwww" it was getting very annoying, the fact that a cat was stuck in a tree was starting to become a bit sad. I opened my window and he was about 25-30 feet up from me, I live on the 3rd floor. So I look up and I see that he has birds tormenting him swooping down on him like little Japanese kamikaze planes trying to take out the enemy, it was like a scene from world war 2.

I started to feel bad because this little kitten of a cat being as much as a bitch as he was, was getting attacked by blue jays and has been stuck in a oak tree for the last 3 days and maybe more, no food no water and one day of rain and the weather was hot, and I know there must of been ants and insects biting him, he was probably getting all cramped up, he was just in a fucked up spot and stuck.

So as I watch these birds dive bomb this kitten I lit a joint, I started to yell out swing kitty swing at those bitch ass birds, swing and swipe, use your claws fuck those birds up, get one and eat it, I know your hungry get those little bitch birds with your claws, rip one out of the air, I wanted to see this cat snatch a bird out of the air like a scene from King Kong, but that didn't happen and the birds gave up, now this cat was just looking at me and he started to meow like a bitch, I felt bad because I knew he was hungry and probably scared, and by now I know that his parents can't help him, they were stray savage cats and were most likely scrounging dumpsters in the neighborhood somewhere or making cat sex in a dark ally or something.
Kitty Elevator


Kitty Elevator

I started to think of elaborate ways to get this cat out of the tree, I wanted to climb up and get him but I was not a monkey and it most likely would have ended with me falling and breaking most my body, then I thought maybe I could get a bucket and rope and throw it up in the tree and make like a little kitty elevator for him to climb into and get lowered down. That didn't go so well because he was dumb enough to get stuck in the tree which meant he was not smart enough to climb into a bucket and get lowered down. The problem was getting to be that he hasn't had food or water in days, I was waiting for him to just fall out of the tree from exhaustion. I had to walk away because there was nothing I could do to get him down, I looked up at him and said "yo you little bitch you need to get out of that tree" he replied with "meow" and I went back inside my house and started to brain storm ideas and search online for animal rescue places.

I started to call every animal association possible the ASPCA, the local veterinarians, fire stations, PETA, everything I could think of that had anything to do with animals, and they all asked me if "I have ever seen a dead cat in a tree" and I said "no" and they said "he will get hungry and climb down sooner or later" but its been almost a week and he didn't look like he could make it down, the branch that he was stuck on was almost at a 90 degree angle, the way a cats claws are shaped he would have had to back down and he was not smart enough to do that, so being a little kitten who's parents abandoned him to go have sex in dumpsters, he had no one to help him.

I was in a pickle so was this bitch of a bear cat. I had a eureka moment, I could call a tree company and maybe they could come climb the tree grab him and bring him down. I started to call local arborists and I got a hold of this guy "Peach Tree Paul"who said he would come and get him down for $100, and I agreed to the price. "Peach Tree Paul" the tree conqueror arrived with a toy mouse on a string and began to throw it up in the tree trying to get this cat to chase the toy mouse down the tree, the cat got frightened and went about another twenty feet up into the tree.

Toxoplasmosis Gives You Courage!


Panda Bear the Cat

"Peach Tree Paul" said fuck it time to climb, he broke out the harness and ropes and his little pouch to put the cat in, I believe he called it his pussy pouch, he started to climb the tree but the cat got frightened and climbed to the bulimic part of the tree, this dumb bitch of a cat climbed to where the branches were weak and skinny, the part of the tree that threw up instead of bloom, which made the rescue even more heroic, if "Peach Tree Paul" couldn't rely on the branches to hold his weight, he could not hook the ropes up.

"Peach Tree Paul" was not going to sacrifice himself and risk falling, but long story short he climbed up grabbed the cat and stuffed him in the pussy pouch and threw the pouch down, just kidding, he climbed down with the pussy pouch and asked me what I wanted to do with this pouch of pussy cat, either let him go, eat him, or keep him? I decided to keep the little bitch of a cat and named him the infamous Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat.

So now this is where the Toxoplasmosis comes in and where the fun of having a new pet gets scary because about a month after having this stray bear pretending to be a cat. I started to develop a twitch and a craving for soccer, I started to wonder if my car could reach a 100 miles a hour on the straight away near the play ground for underdeveloped Mexican kids, all of a sudden I discovered I was a incredible soccer player, and I just wanted to play soccer and ride a motorcycles at the same time while blind folded, I started to crave sex with anything, rocks, sandpaper, stereo receivers, weed bongs, I stuck my hand in a bee hive and commenced to slapping white woman with arm tattoos, I started to teach Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat some Columbian jiu-jitsu the kind they teach to under privileged children in Bogota and rolled with him on a bed of thumbtacks, I had cravings to swallow rusty razors and wash them down with orange soda, and the most dangerous casual activity I couldn't get enough of was, I wondered about how many attempts it would take to achieve a victory in a wrestling match with a homeless methed up black man. Every Friday morning me and my training partner Mr. Peter Panda Bear the Cat would head down to the 7/11 and do classic wrestling taunts at the loiterers lingering by the dumpster.

The Toxoplasmosis does not impede me from having a great pet panda bear cat and if you can save a animal from any situation that is not ideal for it, then do it! Do what you can and save these furry fuckers from the cages the pounds and animal control police keep them in, these scummy people who claim to love animals and answer telephones for a living, do not give a shit about saving the animals they just like to act sympathetic towards them, and most importantly don't tickle a feral cats nuts unless you want it to commit sexual acts with your toes at night.


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