Psychosis

Been wondering if I should tell my friends and relatives about this for a while now. Those very close to me already know that I'm suffering from a psychosis sickness, or schizophrenia.

Started a few years ago with a psychotic episode, likely due to a long period of bad sleep and possibly genes. It really was like a dance with the devil, wonderful at times, and absolutely horrible at other times. Mostly horrible... Had some auditory hallucinations, perhaps some visual ones too. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, no pink elephants or dragons. Lasted a few weeks before I got medicated.

My problems were, and still are, thoughts, invasive, automatic ones. You know how if you wish to think about something, you just "do it"? You just go there in your mind and you can leave any time you want. For me, when I'm in a bad spot, the thoughts just keep coming and they don't stop. I can't "leave". They are horrible thoughts as well. Thoughts that for some reason appear so real that you can not distinguish them from reality. In episodes I've believed everything from having killed someone to being the reason someone killed themselves. And it all seemed so real.

Why am I writing this? Perhaps as a way to tell myself that I am sick. That the doctors, nurses, psychologists, and my family are all correct. I sometimes don't think I am sick. I sometimes think this is all some very disgusting piece of psychological experiment or other type of conspiracy being done, and everyone is in on it. That alternative reality is horrid and I don't want it to be true, so I'm writing this from the point of view that I believe I am sick. I want to be able to trust people around me.

Also writing this to perhaps create better understanding among people. I'm not some unpredictable lunatic who is going to hurt people. In my case, I was more likely to hurt myself because of the things I believed, but even then, I was very far away from something drastic, such as suicide. When you believe that all of society thinks you are rotten, it is easy to believe that you truly are.

I wasn't born this way. I lived a somewhat normal life before this, studies and work. My brother suffers from depression, and before this, I often pondered why he didn't just control his thoughts. Now I know better. Now I know that you can't always control your mind. A scary and costly revelation.

How does this affect me? That's a long list. Concentration, energy, relations, and more, they're all taking a big hit. I'm no longer working or studying as much as before.

But this has not only been a negative experience for me. I have learned a lot. I got insight into my fathers death and understood it better. He too suffered from psychosis sickness, he most likely took his life during a psychotic episode, and I can understand why that might happen now. You just aren't in control of yourself or your mind when this strikes you. You become unreasonable and all logic escapes you, or rather, creates a new logic for you.

If there are any questions I would be happy to answer them! It is better to ask questions than to wander around with possibly inaccurate presumptions.

Oh... and my username, I guess it's a bit more correct now... how ironic.