Reset the Clock

By jim onion · Mar 8, 2022 · ·
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    Been recovering for the past several days after giving nicotine a try. Went 10 months without it, but hey—reset that clock.

    Having been practicing not ruminating, along with a better internal dialogue, I'm not too bummed out about it. Although I'm a bit more preoccupied with the anxiety that's flared up. Yes, you read it right, I am still recovering three DAYS later. Symptoms come and go, sure, but right now I've got quite a tension headache. Also, thought loops and the temptation to think I'm once again goin' crazy!

    Well, my attitude toward this is: rather than a total reset, I can really think of it as "I've gone almost a year and only relapsed one time. In just two months from today, that'll be 364 good days since I officially/technically quit." So it could've been worse; could've picked up the habit again, but instead I just feel like absolute shit at the moment.

    Now, I'm not sure how long it's going to take to feel normal again. What boggles my mind the most from this experiment is that I am still experiencing physical and psychological effects over 72 hours later. That doesn't seem typical to me... it sounds more like nicotine-abetes. It would be like having a couple beers but being hungover for over three days. Like, that simply isn't normal. So, there is, indeed, something wrong with my body.

    Well, I hate being sober, but I do hate this more. So there's that, at least. It seems like my anxiety may be manageable (fortunately) so long as I abstain from nicotine and alcohol, and get some exercise. That's not mentioning a few basic therapy strategies or spiritual faith.

    Curious to see how long it takes for me to feel back to normal again. Or, to put it slightly differently, how long before I stop psyching myself out and realize that I am back to normal right now. I mean, scientifically I am sober right now, so whatever I'm experiencing right now—the same shit I've experienced before that made me quit in the first place—is all in my head.

    With that in mind, the first step will be to simply stay busy as well as socialize and do things that I like to do. Because right now I think my mind is in somewhat of a feedback loop of scanning itself for danger, but treating the scan as a sign that something must be wrong and to scan for more danger.

    It'll tire itself out. Just a matter of time.

    Not the Territory likes this.

Comments

  1. Zeppo595
    Dude it's crazy you posted this because I recently had a nicotine relapse.

    I consume it via lozenges. I suppose I 'enjoyed' it to a degree but I stopped on Monday - fell asleep at 4pm. Something very wrong with it for me.

    Yes it can make passively consuming entertainment more pleasurable (aka releases more dopamine while doing so) but the cost of it is enormous.
      Foxxx likes this.
  2. jim onion
    @Zeppo595 I'm glad to hear about the serendipity! Though the relapse is unfortunate.

    As I said in my OP, I prefer to think about it as "I only vaped once in the past 365 days. That's 364 days of no vaping, which is something to be proud of." So maybe you would find it helpful to think about it in the same way? Because sometimes it can be a bit discouraging to have to START ALL OVER on your nicotine-free streak, when maybe we shouldn't frame it that way. Even Duolingo rewards you with items that you can use to save your streak if you miss a day of language practice.

    Yeah, I hear you. I just want to be able to enjoy a few alcoholic beverages again without the "cost" of needing 5-7 days to recover. This recent experimental bout with nicotine isn't giving me a lot of confidence in my body to not be a pussy. It's taken me every bit of 5 days for my mind to feel totally back to normal after a single night of casual, light vaping.

    I guess that's the confusing thing. I simply do not understand what changed, what is happening in my body, between the ages of 21 and 23 (soon to be 24), that instead of having a hangover for half-a-day, I get terrible anxiety symptoms *and worry I won't feel normal again* and just feel like shit for 5 fucking days. That ain't normal. And I want an explanation, because I want to be able to enjoy a few drinks on occasion like a normal person.

    Because right now it isn't technically me choosing to abstain from alcohol or nicotine. It's like something wrong with my brain or something, and anxiety that is making me afraid of it. So, in my opinion, logically speaking, this is me taking a fucking L to anxiety because my brain is being a pussy even after having TEN MONTHS to be fully healed and strong.

    It's not even that I want to pick up a habit like nicotine again, or something like that. It's more like I want to CHOOSE of my own volition to not partake, or to only occasionally partake in nicotine and alcohol, rather than be constantly running away from them because my brain is still being a little bitch.

    Should be: I drink. I feel drunk. Next day, I feel hungover. Day after, I should feel sober and back to normal. That's how it works for everyone else. Instead my mind thinks it's a good idea to torment itself for literally no reason and have an absolute meltdown thinking I've got wet brain and that I'm going to develop a psychosis, and it won't just let me fucking feel normal sober again for at least a week. My mind, for no reason at all, even after five days of sobriety, has nothing better to do than think "I DON'T FEEL NORMAL I DON'T FEEL NORMAL I DON'T FEEL NORMAL I DON'T FEEL NORMAL I DON'T FEEL NORMAL-" and my anxiety throws a terrible-twos tantrum.

    Why. Just stop. It's so pointless. There's no danger.

    For my next experiment, I'm going to try drinking Heineken zero to see if I can get my brain to be a pussy for LITERALLY absolutely no reason. Only to rule-out placebo effect or psyching myself out.
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