The Disconsulate

By Foxxx · Jun 8, 2022 · ·
  1. You've got to be careful with the things that you believe. Sometimes, though, it can't be helped; your experience, unluckily biased as it may be, shapes the way you think and react.

    I've had time to think and time to research at Google University. I feel justified and reassured in my recent decisions. We're pretty incompatible, after the fireworks of flint and steel that you have to violently strike together for a fleeting spark above water. But then I wonder, am I compatible with anyone? Compatible enough?

    I have lots of reasons to believe I'm not. And the experiences keep adding up.

    Leading up to my cousin's wedding, I am very tempted to give up. I've given it a good effort, I think. I've taken the time to figure out what I want, and I've reflected on things that I've done wrong, things that I could do better. In doing so, I have improved. But there's a whole lot that I can do nothing about. So much so that my own improvement is irrelevant. Meaningless. Wasted.

    Improving oneself has seemingly no causative relationship with relationship success. You're better off being a shitty person, a manipulator, an abuser, or a stupid helpless victim. Or, maybe you're equally well off. Sort yourself out and you'll just end up finding people who were as fucked up as you were a few years ago, if not worse, and there's nothing you can do for them, and you just feel like a lifeguard who's trying not to drown too. What's the point?

    Why do I bother? I stopped drinking because I believed that it was contributing to my life problems. But here I am sober and nothing has changed. Be careful what you believe. I'm lucky that I have plenty enough personal reason to stop drinking, for myself. But go get ripped, who cares, you'll end up with someone who only likes you for that. Go make a lot of money, you'll attract Amber Heard.

    We're sold a narrative that there's someone out there for everyone, but I'm not sure I really believe that anymore. Perhaps, more accurately, there is theoretically someone out there but that doesn't mean you'll find them. Again and again I take the bait. And again and again I regret it.

    I will be happier living alone, I think. This feeling is different. I no longer feel like I'm left on the outside looking in. I don't want in anymore. I'll stay outside in the cold street, with a sky above me, probably overcast, maybe solemn blue, maybe rain, maybe oppressive light. I will stay aloof. More and more people around me will go on experiencing something that I am not allowed. I will not allow myself to get close enough to be alienated by this inevitable parting of ways with people, as they get married and I don't, as they have kids and start lives together and I don't.

    I still have faith. But it's faith that I'm better off alone. Relationships never cease to make me miserable and be a waste of time, leading nowhere fast. I'm not giving up; I'm getting a fucking clue that I don't belong, I'm the black sheep, there's something wrong with me, I'm not allowed in. I'm not deserving of a good one and never will because... there's no real reason why. "It's just not in my make up. Take me home. Give me the means to fade away, and I will fade all in good grace, all on my own."

    Unplug. I only like women's bodies. They have nothing else they want to give me.

    ---

    An endless whisper of flitting pages, the shapeshifting shelves are full of books with no words. And yet here these souls look endlessly for a meaning that only they can create. Here they seek answers which can only be found within themselves.

    TheThinkerDeath likes this.

Comments

  1. Not the Territory
    I think you're mistaken about how attraction works, and what superficial qualities actually mean. People are attracted to qualities and, this kind of sucks, (mothers, cover your ears) basically no one starts out being worthwhile. They have to be developed, and liking a certain music or movie doesn't count.

    Let's say Johnny Depp's lawyer (I'm using her as a surrogate for whatever woman you actually desire) walks into a room looking to meet guys. She sees you and a clone of you that's 'ripped.' Muscles are nice, sure, and that might be what she says, but her subconscious is more interested in what they mean. It thinks: Hmm, ripped Foxxx evidently has work ethic, discipline, and prioritizes caring for himself. If he can care for himself, he can definitely care for me. While non-ripped Foxxx could have those qualities as well, I see no immediate evidence of that. I could do more homework, but why? Ripped Foxxx is right here, and there are already two other women swooning over him! Her mind works that way because she's smart.

    Generally speaking,
    Men and women seek out skin health because it implies bodily health.
    Men and women seek out fitness because it implies mental and bodily health, as well as discipline.
    Men and women seek out fiscal responsibility because it implies sane priorities and discipline.
    Men and women seek out skilled individuals because it implies intelligence/wisdom and discipline.
    Men and women seek out humorous individuals because it implies intelligence/wisdom and social skill.

    Desirable men and women (so not OJ Simpson or Amber Heard, since we're using celebrity disaster as a lens on society for whatever reason) seek out these implied traits. A few are innate (looks can imply good genetics), but vast majority take time and effort. They seek these out because they make life safer and better. What is strange is assuming that they are shallow for doing so.

    The best part is that one still wins if he or she develops some of those traits, whether dating works out or not.
      EFMingo and Foxxx like this.
    1. Foxxx
      I suppose it isn't shallow, just expedient. And I try not to criticize it too harshly because I'm actually shallow but make an honest effort to not be a hypocrite.

      At this point I just don't give enough of a fuck about other people (*in this context*). They don't care about me, and I can't live up to the Robert Pattinson image they've got in their head. So who's going to be the first mover? The first to budge? It's a stand-off. I don't move first usually because I'm tired of girls that talk like everything is a questIONNN, are unapproachable, can't carry a converSATIONNNN, "already have a boyFRIENDDD", or just aren't interested in me. It's fine, and honestly totally understandable to not be interested in me, but it's also a waste of my time. That's how I usually feel, I think; like I had my time wasted by someone who doesn't know me.

      In terms of the categories you mention, I have some level of fitness leftover from when I played travel soccer and varsity soccer for many years, and had more time to live an active lifestyle rather than make it a grueling chore. I have good skin health and hygiene. I've been told that while I may not be a model or porn star that I am still attractive, have a plenty big donger that I know how to use when performance anxiety stays out of my damn way, and I'm just a skinny white boy. And I have a sense of humour if you get it. I'm also going to school to develop a skill / career that can also create some financial security.

      But where's the line? All I'm missing are the bulging muscles... /s

      Some women also seem to seek out abusers, dark triad, and other toxic waste. So there's an issue of not even being able to trust the judge in this courtroom, to pay homage to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trend of this convo. However, I understand that you were using Johnny Depp's lawyer (the version of her we say in the trial) as the theoretical.
      Not the Territory likes this.
    2. Not the Territory
      Haha, girls that talk like that are definitely not worth your time romantically. But a waste? Maybe, maybe not. I guess my counter would be: is there really nothing you can learn from that other person in a short conversation? I'm always finding little interesting things here and there from people I habitually would write off due to my own (usually justified) prejudice. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of shallow airheads as far as men and women go, but I'm often surprised by what I learn, and I think I get better at reading people every time I do that (that's a big deal; I'm terrible at reading people).

      It sounds like you're doing fine regardless. Bulging muscles wouldn't hurt anyone, though, lol.

      As for where the line is, I don't know, but the most successful people I meet never stop pushing it. They do it in a healthy way, of course, seeking positive rather than being concerned about negative. I'm always left thinking: you do this, which I could never do, and you ALSO do that in your spare time? Holy shit.
      Foxxx likes this.
  2. Foxxx
    @Not the Territory

    A problem I have is I tend to dislike most people, men or women. Don't get me wrong, I could probably hold a conversation with any of them if they're willing, but I find that I just dont... fucking care sometimes? And then some people try to shame me for having that reaction.

    Also, @Not the Territory, after that person leaves and they never re-enter my life, what exactly do you suppose I've learned? I've learned things about them, but what does that matter? They're gone, never coming back, I don't have any mutual friends with them; in my opinion I learned a bunch of useless facts about a person as average as myself. Nothing revelatory.

    Also, the people you talk about at the end of your comment are super exhausting for me to be around. I find that they're often privileged in many ways that I am not / have never been. Not always, but often. I don't enjoy the stereotypical advice that seems to come from people living in Colorado; hiking, skiing, fishing, camping. I generally dislike the outdoors. I like bonfires and playing sports or games outside, or enjoying a nice swimming pool.

    I am probably a boring person to most people. But it's not like I can force myself to be interested in things I'm just not interested in. Plus, after 8 hour shifts at fucking McDonalds, and going to class / doing homework, I'm "sorry" that what I feel like doing is watching anime, YouTube, or playing video games. And I'm sorry I don't have the time or money to go on a weekend excursion to somewhere in the woods because I have work. How the fuck do you not have work? Ever? That's what I want to ask these people.

    I simply cannot fathom where the natural energy those people have comes from. Are they faking it? Either way, I hate them for it. I'm not starving, I drink plenty water, I've been getting enough sleep even if it's not quite at the ideal time of day, and yet the last thing I want to do is spend 2 hours of my precious little free time getting RIPPED AT THE GYM. After a day of no fucking dopamine, what I want is, you guessed it, dopamine.
    1. Not the Territory
      Oh if you've already got it figured out then there is definitely nothing to learn. I find getting to know things about people teaches me more about people in general. It adds perspective, which is invaluable to me.

      I'm always curious about what the day-to-day is of a person, what kind of things influenced them, what kind of suffering they've been saddled with, and what kind of aspirations they have. (Only if they offer, I'm not nosy). I find that moment of connection where we might talk about something as unimportant as the best potato chip flavour to be enjoyable as well, because it can sometimes be something that no one's ever asked them.

      Sometimes I learn that person who seems like a disaster is actually insanely proficient at some hobby or other, and it gives me a sense of appreciation (And she got to show off her sick crochet projects, so everyone wins!).

      I frankly can't help but have admiration for those productive/active people that you 'hate.' I think there is a lot to learn from them as well. My personal belief is that privilege is only a fraction of someone's success. But that's just me.

      I shouldn't try to say that other people should have that kind of curiosity as well. Nothing wrong with you for disliking most people. A lot of people are not worth liking, haha.
      Foxxx likes this.
    2. Not the Territory
      Oh on the gym, I don't work out to get ripped (I would if I had the drive), mainly it's to clear my mind and feel good. I do notice that a lot of people limit the notion of that activity to the visual result, which is interesting. I suppose many personal endeavours are thought of the same way, like only cooking so that you can have a certain meal, or only building something in order to have that thing.
      Foxxx likes this.
  3. big soft moose
    I have the body of a god - but unfortunately its Buddha... that's never stopped me getting female attention... i find the main thing is to be funny, charming ,personable and not a creeper. It was Marilyn Monroe who said that if you can make a woman laugh you can make her do anything.

    Incidentally did you mean to put Disconsolate ... or was it supposed to be a play on words i didn't get (a consulate being like an embassy)
    1. View previous replies...
    2. Foxxx
    3. big soft moose
      Wait John Donne the Metaphysical poet? I wasn't aware he had great success with women... or did you mean Don Juan :D
      Foxxx likes this.
    4. Foxxx
      I can't speak for EFMingo's intent with the comparison, but I do know John Donne had an insane (by today's standards anyway) amount of children. I think 12, and like half of them died either during childbirth or childhood, and his wife died right after the 12th which was stillborn.
  4. Foxxx
    @Not the Territory I didn't mean to imply that I have it all figured out, because clearly I don't. But there is no getting around the fact that, for some reason, I just don't give a fuck about most people and I don't find what you're describing to be fun most of the time. By "don't give a fuck" I don't mean "go out of my way to treat like dirt" by the way. Like yeah, today at the wedding I met some great people, don't get me wrong, and learned things about them and shared some things about me; I just can't bring myself to do that very often, and it's easier to do and justify the energy when they're related to my family or close friends already.

    And where you feel admiration, I experience jealousy.

    But, I'm not that interesting myself. I can be funny, charming, personable, and "not a creeper" as @big soft moose says, but I have to try to be those things, and it isn't sustainable. Eventually my true self comes out and I get bored, boring, annoyed, etc. Every time. So why bother. (Not saying my humor or charm and so on aren't genuine; all I'm trying to say is I don't know what the fuck Rousseau was on. I am a shitty, selfish, aloof dickhead, and I hope I die soon.)
  5. Not the Territory
    I mean, this is off topic, but I don't think you're alone in thinking Rousseau's writings somewhat hogwash.
      Foxxx likes this.
    1. Foxxx
      Somewhere between Rousseau and Hobbes. What a newspaper comic that would be.
      Not the Territory likes this.
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