The Saboteur archetype - meandering stream of consciousness

It's been more than just difficult, but after a good 5-6 years I feel like I've finally gotten somewhere significantly different and better than where I was in regards to dating.

I'd been stuck-in-place by my own logic for the longest time. Like a Chinese finger trap, I didn't need to pull away, but push further in. The issue though is that that can be really scary, even if we're not particularly anxious at the time.

Why? Well, when you're already feeling overwhelmed by the complexity, it sounds like a real suicide mission to keep going. It's like that cliche quote from Churchill or whomever: if you're going through Hell, keep going.

The issue here is that there's no guarantee that "keep going" will get you out of Hell. All it guarantees is a chance.

However, there is also a pseudo-opposite saying: the Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't.

And that is a difficult sabotage to undo. If I were a true genius, and not just a manic, I would be in league with Carl Jung and create an inner archetype known as the Saboteur. There is this "saboteur" in your mind whom disappears when you look directly at it, like a floater in your field of vision. You can never look directly at them. And they always seem to be a step ahead, laying traps in your path.

Now, given enough time, perhaps we'd arrive at some conclusion like "the saboteur is You" or some strange dark version of you. There's a Monogatari connection here with Araragi that I won't get into.

Our society today has become so adamant about WEELIGGION IS BAD, MMKAYYY that we've become hyper rational. I haven't read the book so take this with a salt shaker, but I think we'd do well to engage in a Critique of Pure Reason, and return to the wellspring of faith.

This has nothing to do with Kant but I just wanted to ride on his coat-tails and then jump off without paying the fare.

Basically, this conundrum, this Gordion Knot which I have been dealing with in my mind for so long, is a prime example (I think) of a negative consequence of this hyperrational world we're in. That is to say, I tied the Gordion Knot myself thanks to my rational capabilities. I wasn't really fully aware I was doing it; in fact, it was more akin to Another, to a saboteur.

The issue of my complete and utter lack of success with dating is manifold. There is no one single answer. And what I finally realized is that the issue is truly irresolvable by means of logic, the very logical force that created it. Science encourages us to think in this hyperrational way, isolating variables, running experiments, etc. It encourages us to theorize in absence of experience. Conflict or risk averse people may attempt to use these faculties as a means of not making mistakes, of being "perfect" if you will, or just avoiding pain.

Now, very rarely is an issue like mine the result of PURE thinking. It is thinking built on a selection of experiences. Those experiences are likely valid. And the reasoning based on them, if the person is of significant intelligence, are likely to be pretty difficult to assail if they've been going at it for half a decade.

The absurdism of faith, therefore, at the very least, is a potent antidote for when reason ties itself into knots. For when reason results in thought loops and downward spiraling. It doesn't play by the same rules. It is the sword that cuts the knot.

Am I single because I'm blind in one eye, despite having had it well corrected aesthetically by surgery? Am I single because I'm not tall enough? Because I don't make enough money? Because I don't want to be in a relationship? Because I hate women? Because I'm too skinny? Because I'm conservative? Because I'm of high intellect? Because I'm an asshole?

The problem is that we THINK we can answer these questions, but we cannot. Sure, I can answer whether *I* think they are true. But what did Girl 1 think? Well... I don't know. What did Girl 2 think? Well... I don't know. What does she think? How about her? What about this one? What about that one?

Then you discover that you can simultaneously be single because you are too tall and too short. You can be single because you are an asshole or because you aren't an asshole. You can be single because you're trying to improve yourself (thereby implying that you are not yet sufficient to be in a relationship), and you can be single because you're not trying to improve yourself (not demonstrating that you have some sort of drive, I guess).

A good place to start would be to say "I don't know". So if you can't make the leap of faith, perhaps start with Socrates and accept the limitations of one's knowledge. In this hyper-everything world, we've got to be on top of everything. We've got to be the circus bear dancing on top of the ball, multi-tasking by juggling bowling pins and all the rest. If we don't have an opinion on an issue then, God forbid, we can't join a tribe on that issue.

What I do know, or at least realistically could know if I were to make an effort, is what are MY answers to those questions. Who do I want to be? Who would I want to date? Sure, my answers might change over time, but it is at least an anchor that I can raise or set whenever I need.

But our hyper rational minds, in our hyper rational world that has pissed on religion and shit on any kind of spiritualism or alchemy or whatever the fuck, are not as perfectly equipped to deal with the entirety of life. There is so much uncertainty in life. And THIS is the supreme sabotage. The saboteur sabotages because their plans assure an outcome. And then our mind roils in dissonance: for yes, at last we have certainty, but it is not the outcome that we wanted. The Saboteur can only ensure a negative outcome. Again, it can only ensure the Devil we know, and use the uncertainty of the Devil-we-don't as a fear to keep us there.

And so one must be willing to sacrifice something. They must be willing to sacrifice the comfort of the Devil they know. They must be willing to take a leap of faith. Or, they must truly and genuinely accept the present condition of their situation. If your mind is in civil war, then at heart you are not truly at peace with the future that the Saboteur is designing.

So, more specifically, it is tempting to say I will be forever alone. There is a part of me that wants it to be true because if I knew it were true then I could accept it. Pretty much only video games can offer a guaranteed REWARD per the required sacrifice. After x amount of time doing y activity, z will be awarded. The real world doesn't function this way, and for hyper intelligent and logical individuals like myself, this can be a huge issue.

Why is it an issue?

Because you have literally opened the door to the following: I can do everything "right"; I can go to the gym, I can build my career and wealth, I can go to therapy or do some sort of inner work, on and on and STILL be single for the rest of my life. Not all variables can be controlled positively (that is to say, to create a desired end). All variables can be controlled only negatively (to create an undesirable end). I believe that the inherent nature of the universe is a negative one for this very reason. That the natural state of things is nothingness, is death and all the rest. Life, anything antithetical to this fundamental negative nature, isn't necessarily bad per se, but it is unnatural. It is an anomaly.

Anyway, the answer to this is: change the goal. Change the z variable to something controllable. I understand that people are by and large just trying to be helpful, but at the end of the day if the standard advice for dating works, it is by complete fucking accident. Correlation does not equal causation, but our hyper logical society likes to imagine we're all machines. We "press each other's buttons" so to speak. It's nice and reassuring to believe this to be true.

Again, change the z variable. Don't listen to the well-meaning Dude Bros, the Oracles of Philadelphi, or whoever the fuck, who tell you to do all those things to get a mysterious "girl". They're wrong. Go to the gym if you want it for yourself. Eat better if you want it for yourself. If you tie your efforts to an uncontrolled outcome, you are setting yourself up for severely crippling disappointment and demotivation. So tie them to what you want for yourself, to what makes you feel better about yourself and your future for more tangible, practical, and controllable reasons.

All this self-help shit starts from the point of believing that we are so supremely and perfectly scientifically rationally sound that THE WORLD IS OUR EXPERIMENT. We need only do x and/or y and z is guaranteed. But the truth is that we cannot isolate variables. The truth is that we technically operate only thanks to faith, because we are not omniscient, we are not omnipresent, we are not omnipotent. Sure, in *theory* being more confident should help one's chances, but it's all a fucking casino.

I know, and yet don't know, why I am single. This is because it isn't entirely determined by me. It's determined by society, it's determined by the weather, it's determined by other people.

So yes, there is no reason why I am single. There are many, there are infinite, and yet there are none.

Furthermore, is my worth as a human being, are the worth of my genes or the ability to procreate entirely in the hands of women? Yes.

But are they right? lol

They might think they are. But I know they're wrong. At least some of them. They don't know me. I sure as Hell know that lots and lots of stupid fucking people have children with fathers who then abandon them or abuse them and all the rest, so I'm not particularly worried about women *thinking* that, again, their brains are of such supreme intellect that they have perfectly ascertained my worth to be of lesser value than whatever brainless monkey ends up inseminating them.

My God, to think I'd once put my own self-worth in the hands of such capricious, careless, cold, calculating, callow cunts in the first place is proof enough that even my own intellect has its limits.

It's not all about me. And even when it is about me, how much control do I really have? Is it even really "my problem" or is it one of those classic "that sounds like a you problem" problems?

I can be empathetic. I can be compassionate. It isn't always easy because of hyper-introspection, but I definitely can be. I can be happy, and I can share. The problem is that I find most women grating, intolerable, and insufferable.

So am I single because of my own "intolerance"? Well, I'm actually pretty tolerant. So yes, but also no. And even if yes, I am glad it is yes, because being in a relationship is not the god of my life anymore. It is not the thing which all other things are sacrificed at the altar for. Sometimes, nothing is better than something. I don't want some unloyal bitch. I don't want some untrustworthy hoe. Other guys might reward that behavior, which is why it runs so rampant in the Sodom and Gomorrah of society today, and those guys, I am sure, have a penis for a brain. And their brain is small.

The simple fact is that if you want my resources, if you want my intimacy, if you want my loyalty, if you want my compassion, if you want me to sacrifice, if you want me to share, then you have to do a little bit better than being a fat ditzy embarrassment. In what other universe, besides this one inhabited by big hairy chimps who are so desperate to have their pee-pees warm and moist that they will do or put up with anything, would young women get to act the way that they do today and actually somehow fucking succeed?

Pays to be selfish, I guess. I'd rather not have kids with a woman who is going to run off with them immediately, fuck other dudes behind my back, emotionally cheat, marry and divorce me for money, and all the rest. I'd rather wait on the off-chance I am blessed with one who won't do that to me, or I can most definitely be happy single and get to experience how things ought to be thanks to anime.

There was a time where I thought it was purely mean to laugh at the stupidity of others. But I realize that that schadenfreude, that looking down on others, is the only reward that compensates for losing the bliss of ignorance. So I guess it all comes out in the wash after all.

Why did some of my friends find that, and I didn't? I don't know. There are many possible explanations. A mix of them are likely true. Bad luck. Wrong place, wrong time. Wasn't tall enough. Wasn't short enough. Introverted.

Mayhaps it be a cop-out, but the more useful answer to me is: there is no reason why, and I don't fucking care anymore because there's nothing I can do about it. If I can do everything that I'm apparently supposed to do, and still be single for the rest of my life, then there's actually nothing I can do. All the people who have ever tried to tell me there's something I can do have just been trying to sugar coat things with the bliss of ignorance.

I am beyond ignorance. There is nothing I can do about it. It just is. It's not fair. But it just is. There's no explanation; only endless theorizing. It just is.

My radical acceptance, my Kierkegaardian leaps of faith cannot be stopped. The Saboteur cannot stop me. The world cannot stop me. I deserve love, I deserve everything I've ever wanted, I don't have it, and there is no reason for it. The only explanation is simple luck. In other words: it just is. And something of that nature cannot define my value, because my value has nothing to do with the fact that it just is. I am high value, I only tolerate high value women, I am only attracted to physically high attractive women, and that just is what it is.

I am a human. I get urges. I have feelings. I have an ego. That just is what it is. I can do more healthy things to assuage those pangs and pains, like watching anime instead of drinking a 12 pack of beer every night of the week.

It isn't about whether I should have to do that or not. It isn't about whether it's fair or not. It just is what it is. It makes no sense, and perhaps it "shouldn't" be happening to me for x and y and z + reasons, but it just is what it is. There is nothing I can do about it. And you know what, same goes for everyone else. You aren't in a wonderful relationship because you're some kind of deific mastermind. It was right place, right time, cosmic luck was on your side, and you happened to have the right list of variables matched to the right person. You weren't some kind of puppeteer who pulled strings, made planets align.

Granted, perhaps you can create your own luck, or at least so you think. But you can have the best odds in the world and still lose. I could also lower my expectations to the point where I'll bang girls who look like tree stumps, or who are physically or emotionally manipulative / abusive, or who are unloyal, or any other negative thing I can say, and yeah. I'd probably get my wee-wee wet very easily. But at what cost? At that point I'll just avoid stooping so low and get a prostitute or go to a stripclub or something and at least try to keep it professional, strictly business.

The truth is, I am just in the grieving process. That is, simply accepting that what I had stressed out about for so long was never in my control to begin with. What I had attached my worth to, even only partially, was never in my control to begin with. How it warped my sense of worth. It will never be in my control.

And yeah, grieving isn't the best feeling in the world. But damn does it feel good to see the reality of this for what it is. To have been freed by means of anti-logic, by means of faith, to cut the self-tied Gordion Knot of hyperrationale that had misled me for so long. My Saboteur is a genius, a rival of Holmes without a doubt. But not even half a decade was enough to beat me.

I am free. I am above it. I am better than it. I am beyond it. Relationships. It. The radical, absurd acceptance of my present state of affairs has returned my worth to me, it has struck down envy of comparison in a trial of combat.

Thank you God. I do not need answers to all the questions anymore.

Thank God for everyone and everything that will make living the rest of my life with mental illness worth it. I am blessed.