Things I have done and regret, and the opposite.

I don't have the greatest memory, so people sometimes have to remind me of the past. Sometimes they tell me what I've done and I feel ashamed. I sometimes wish I could time travel and take back or undo certain events. Especially the way I treated my brother when we grew up.

It can be small things too, that I am ashamed of, such as how I responded to someone on a forum when I was of a younger age, or heck as an adult as well.

But you can not change the past, you can only interfere with the now to help form the future. With that in mind, I'm pretty confident that I will make more mistakes.

I regret not standing my ground during violent situations more than I have in my life, then maybe I would have less anger inside me? Or perhaps I would be in a coffin? It's easy to say what I should have done in hindsight.

I recall, now, a moment when my best buddy was fighting an older friend of mine. The older friend, who I did not like, had my buddy pinned against the ground. My buddy yelled for my help. I could have done it, I could have charged and pushed my older friend off, but did not. Everything sorted itself, it was just an altercation between children, but I still feel as though I let my best buddy down.

Then there are more dangerous events far removed from childhood days, and more towards bad hood days. I was walking home from that previous best buddy I mentioned and got attacked by muggers. At that time, I was the kind who carried a knife around on me. They had stopped me a while before the attack and asked what time it was. That's to make me to pull up my mobile phone, so they could snatch it. I knew what they were trying to do, so I told them the approximate time and continued walking. I noticed that they were following me, so I pulled out my knife, out of their sight, and pondered going into a waste station area to ambush them. By this time I thought my heart would jump out of my fucking chest. As I continued on the sidewalk, a cab came driving on the road, blinding my eyes with its headlights, and it was as though the light of a higher being had reached my mind. I quickly put the knife into my pocket again, walked past the waste area and towards the park that was up ahead. Halfway on the road through the park I hear one of them telling me to wait up. It was as though time was sped up at that moment, because I can not remember having the time to think of running. Next, someone grabs my jacket collar and I am turned around only to see a fist coming my way. Then darkness for a split second, before realising I'm on my knees and on the receiving end of punches and kicks. I somehow manage to raise myself up through the barrage and shove them back. One of them yells at me to run, not to help me out, but to humiliate me, he yelled with excitement in his tone. I ran like I've never done before. I did not look back, I just focused on running, not knowing if they had a pistol and was going to shoot me in the back. And I got away.

I never reported that event to the police. Something I also regret, because I read in the newspaper that someone else became their victim some days later. It was likely the same guys, because I don't live in a large city.

That event led me down a dark path filled with anger and hatred. Sometimes I wish I had tried my luck ambushing them, but that would perhaps have been my last action in life. Either way, I am alive for now, and I should be grateful for that.

My anger I can still control. Oh, and my brother and I have a pretty good relationship these days.