USA

By Earp · May 27, 2022 · ·
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  1. Too long for the Favorite Quotes thread, but classic PJ O'Rourke:

    “I was having dinner…in London…when eventually he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “Your country’s never been invaded.” And so I said, “Let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD. We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying 'Cheerio.' Hell can’t hold our sock-hops.
    We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.”

    ― P.J. O'Rourke
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Comments

  1. BrandonLA
    Well written!
  2. Mogador
    Yeah. He's not all wrong and I do enjoy his style. There are a dozen reasons why the USA is the most absolutely uninvadable place on Earth and O'Rouke nailed some of them, as he always did.

    But, bless... America has the only drinking culture in which you're ever likely to be invited out for "a drink", where "a drink" sometimes genuinely means "a single 16oz drink sipped over 90 minutes after which we shall go home content and merry". All Europe knows what would happen if you put a good ol' all American well-fed well-paid well-armed well-dentist'd hunk of red-white-and-blue beef in a starts-at-11AM-finishes-at-3AM booze up with a Swede, a German, an Englishman, a Welshman, an Irishman, a Scot, and a Finn. Some of us have tried it, in some form or another, in the spirit of anthropological enquiry.

    You can't eat little countries for breakfast if they drank you under the table last night and you're still nursing a Perrier at the buffet bar when they're already back on the town.

    ________
    P.S. All friends here, same rules apply.
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