03 - This is all normal, no cause for alarm
I feel like giving up again -- dying now so that I don't cause more suffering through what are my inevitable failures. But wouldn't I upset more people by vanishing so abruptly? There is no doubt! I would leave such torment in my wake. My parents would blame themselves, and dad might go next. Mom would be left with nothing. How would my partner handle it? The last one I want to hurt would suffer a wound from the one who promised never to hurt -- a promise broken again and again -- but without a chance to redeem this final slight.
I know, I'm young. I have a lot to learn still, yes. My whole life is ahead of me, though I can't grasp its components in thought or feeling. Structure and order, the daily grind, finding purpose in the few hours per day I can say are truly mine -- all contrasted with romanticized vagrancy. Responsibility only to myself. Is it a lifeboat or a ship? I suppose I'll answer that when I find the sea.
It's all temporary, I don't need to be told again. Were I a standard deviation less clever, I might tattoo the sentiment on my forearm or collarbone. I simply request that I'm given proper space and a tranquilizer that will keep me alive while I ride this out and float through the high. Easy, though. Anything too strong, and I might start to believe I really deserve to die.
I'd go somewhere far away, outside of civilization, so that no one has to clean the mess. Out there, there's no such thing as a mess. There is only nature, where blood mixes with soil, and life begets death begets life.
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