Remembering something hurts. Especially when remembering the person that meant the most in the world. The pain hits you hardest when the memory is happy. A happy, irreplaceable time. It seems that the happy time that occurred may never happen again right now. But I hope that feeling will hit me. Hit me like a feather, soft but meaningful. Every day I find something that rekindles the flame of that irreplaceable memory. Drowned out by sad music. The nostalgia hits me hardest in my chest. Only someone affected by an irreplaceable person will know this feeling, but I’m going off on a tangent that never seems to end. Let me begin my story. Not a story about witches and wizards or princes and princesses but a story about a normal girl affected so deeply by a person that she is, and will never be, the same person again. A hole remains within her heart and her soul and she feels pain everyday because of that.
I’ve given a thought to time travel. What I would do, what I would see. Who, out of the billions of people in this world I would decide to spend my days with. If only. But the scene would go like this: “the sky is a deep shade of blue with the clouds moving quickly above my head as if the earth were spinning at some extra speed. As though it could feel my heart racing rapidly, as I walk down my quiet cul-de-sac across to a church that I cut through to get to the main road. I struggle with my bike, trying to get it up the stairs but my weak body cannot lift such a heavy thing with ease. A few minutes later, after the hard struggle, I manage to get on my bike and breathe in this air that will never affect me so much again. The oxygen that I breathe feels fresher than usual and the trees seem to move effortlessly in the wind, gliding slowly in sync with each other. I ride slowly past the church that holds so many family memories of weddings and christenings. As I reach the gate I struggle again to get my bike over the top of it. My feet hit the tarmac after the pebbly church pavement. My journey begins here, it begins now. My heart is still racing so fast that my feet can barely catch up with my heart that aches so terribly. I ride. I pass houses, shops and many other roads but I don’t notice. All I can pay attention to is the fast moving sky and my fast beating, aching heart. I turn right down the second last road and then left. Halfway down that road I stop. I see the high risen trees. I get of my bike and slowly turn around that famous corner that I’ve seen so many times before. The gates are shut. I ring the buzzer to ask if you could open the gates. “It’s me” I say, so that you can open the gates for me to walk to the front door. Two barriers that could stop me from seeing you, hearing you. That scares me because it’s been so long and I’ve come so far just to have this one moment that I will forever treasure in my heart, that I will never forget, even when I am gone. I take each step slowly breathing in every second of this moment that will last but a moment. The familiar car, parked in front of the dented garage that you did a few years before as if nothing had changed. I walk past the window that I would look into to see if you were on the phone to a friend that you would speak for hours to. But cut off, as soon as you saw me standing there, waiting to go in. I touch the door handle, my hand springs back as if I had just received an electric shock from the adrenaline that I am feeling right now. I gain the courage to pull the handle down and open the door that creaked from the rubber as I opened it. The familiar smell is what hits me first. Perfume, casserole and tea. A familiar man comes to me and gives me a hug. I think I hug him back. But he isn’t the one who I’m here for. I turn left past the room with the phone and the staircase. The kitchen. My heart is racing, my chest aching and the butterflies rising slowly to my head. After years of longing, of feeling so empty and alone, I feel whole. I don’t feel so empty anymore. I see you. The tears burn my eyes they are forming so quickly. You speak to me and say my name. I think it was my name because the sound is blurred by my heart and eyes that are overwhelming my body as if it can’t quite take the emotion. This moment is as I had imagined. My feet are moving slowly but I don’t know why. I just want to run into your arms and feel your love over power my body. My body feels frozen. I finally reach you. You ask me what’s wrong. I can’t reply. The words don’t come out. My legs buckle underneath me and you catch me. In an embrace. I automatically squeeze you so tight that I think you wonder why. I just hold on and don’t let go. The words, that I’ve been longing to say for so long. To hear your voice, to feel you hug me and love me. A love that I haven’t felt for three years hits me. I feel whole again. The only words that come to me, which are the honest truth. “I’ve missed you so much”.”
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