9th and 10th September 2018

Okay, I know... I know... I did it again... I've actually had a few rather busy days. Well... You'll see.

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9th September 2018

Coming up to the end of my first weekend. I woke up this morning feeling totally floored. I really felt useless after not having done any work yesterday, and I was seriously thinking hard for a little while about dropping everything, and calling it quits. I could always sign up for the military and get the hell out of here. There's just so many reminders about my dad here, and it really is a struggle to stay sane.

I forced myself out of bed, and visited my ex-girlfriends mother's home. Her husband had asked me for some help on Friday to take a TV off the wall. When I arrived, we had a chat for a while about things, and it surprised me how much they knew of things going on at home. It's obvious my ex had told them everything. For a moment I was very upset at just how much she'd robbed from me, but I thought better of it, and just let him know everything was slowly coming together. I helped take the TV down - (It was quite big, and my ex's mum is not exactly fighting fit herself right now.) Once it was down, I told them I needed to do some shopping and head home.

They offered to come with me, and I agreed. At the shops I gathered my bits, and some food for the day, I was very surprised when they bought me a two litre bottle of Dr Pepper. During our conversation earlier in the day, they'd asked about my money troubles, and asked if I needed any help. Of course I'd refused, but I had mentioned about removing any junk from my diet because of the budget I needed to live on. The bottle of Dr Pepper as a surprise really touched me somewhere I thought had gone numb. I said my thank you's, and kept a straight face. As soon as I got home, I treated that bottle like it was a prized gift. It went into my fridge, and I vowed not to touch it until I deserved a good reward for something.

I arrived home not too long after, when I did, I broke down. That gift had really touched the spot. I really don't understand grief. Seriously... Is it really going to make me start dropping to tears over bottles of Dr Pepper. I am beginning to think it's something seriously wrong with me, and maybe its time I book an appointment with a real Doctor. Although maybe its totally normal, and I'm just an idiot for resisting natural processes.

Either way, I ate, sat down to study, and shortly after found myself on YouTube again. Another wasted day.

Come the evening, Alexa reminded me that I have paperwork to fill out for my dad. I gathered the paper together, and began reading the forms. They were for my dad's body bequest at the university. They wanted to know about my fathers Cremation wishes, and just reading them was hard enough. I filled them out as best I could, until I hit the question, "What are your wishes for your relatives ashes?" I had three options. First, the ashes get scattered by the crematorium. Second, I collect the ashes. Or Three, They do whatever they like. I had to think hard about this, my father never wanted me to just keep his ashes somewhere on a shelf and have it sit there doing nothing. So I was left with option one, or three. I elected for option one, but when asked where to scatter his ashes, this was a hard thing to think about.

My father really enjoyed people watching, when he was still fit and healthy, his highlight of the week was going to a coffee shop in the city centre to sit down, drink coffee, chat with me, and watch people outside going about their daily business. He also enjoyed going to Bristol Cathedral to sit in the garden there and relax. The flood of memories this thinking caused, caused an emotional outburst I wasn't prepared for. I eventually asked for his ashes to be scattered in a flowerbed, or near a large tree that overlooks a pathway. So that he could rest in a beautiful garden, people watching as he always used to enjoy. Such a short paragraph took me almost an hour and a half to write - battling through tears the whole way.

by the time I was done form filling, I decided to finish my day and go to bed. Tired, emotionally exhausted, and still feeling totally useless.


10th September 2018

I need to be productive today. One way or another I really need to pull my finger out and make some progress. I woke up early, got cleaned, dressed and gathered my laptop, as well as the forms I'd completed the day before. My first stop was my local post office to send off the forms.

Next, the local health centre, as one of the forms was required to be filled out by a medical practitioner, something about a "Confirmation of Lack of risk of infection". Although since they already have his body at the university, this was dumb to ask me to get filled out now. I mean can you imagine that form arriving with them saying his body is filled with parasites... Too fucking late bitches! You're already dead! Mua-ha-haa!

Anyway, I went from there straight to the bus stop. I was leaving for university myself. I had decided to spend the day there to get a change of scenery.

It was the best thing I could have done. I had arrived near midday, four hours and a THOUSAND words, thats right, a THOUSAND words later I was on my way home. I am pretty sure I walked out of the university strutting my stuff, feeling like an absolute god! I'd not only managed to get some work done, but I'd made massive progress compared to what I'd done previously. It felt amazing!

After leaving university, I headed again to my ex's mother's home. This time I was heading there to put the TV back up. Turns out her husband hadn't quite completed painting the wall behind it yet, but that's okay, I stayed for a while to chat anyway. The only thing that bothered me was that this time, my ex was there too. I had a very stark reminder while there at just how young her head is. Her twelve year old brother was there, and he was enjoying playing around. He's quite an excitable young kid, stick thin, and about 5 feet tall with short brown hair that he combs forward. Another thing to mention is that he's obsessed with Nerf guns. I'm really looking forward to two years from now when he is finally old enough to attend Airsoft events. I have a feeling he will transition very quickly from Nerf to Airsoft.

Anyway, I'm going off topic. Shortly after arriving home from school, he realised I was there, and immediately began showing off, as kids his age generally do. After some word play, and some funny name calling (playful, not nasty), my ex started getting upset, mostly because she has incredibly thin skin. Presumably because someone blowing sound waves towards her is enough to cause shock waves of pain to enter her body. She got upset, very upset. Her brother proceeded to do what any amazing younger brother would do in this moment. Especially one who is obsessed with Nerf guns. He ran upstairs, grabbed his best Nerf gun, ran back downstairs, and proceeded to begin shooting her, and me. I broke out into hysterics. It was hilarious. My ex's previously rather upset face turned into a dead straight one. She picked up each Nerf dart that landed near her and threw them back at her brother.

Her Mother, Step father and i were all laughing, until she became upset about being shot, and ran at her brother. Of course her brother took off upstairs, ran into his room and locked the door. I assume he began re-arming himself ready for his next assault. She however came back downstairs, before getting into an argument with her mother about encouraging her brother to cause trouble, from my point of view the only problem with the situation was that my ex just doesn't have a thick skin.

The result of this upset late teen, early twenties tantrum was that her mother asked her to leave, and since I'd been there for an hour already, I decided to leave as well. Besides, I needed to visit the shops to get myself a reward for the days hard work. In retrospect, I wish I'd left it a little while after she'd left. I spent the next ten minutes walking with her, listening to her complaining about her brother. I was happy to create some distance between us, so I made it clear her to her that she was in the wrong and needed to develop a thicker skin. This upset her even more... Duh... I was past caring however, and I made it clear to her.

I walked home from the shops with four chocolate chip muffins, and a lamb hotpot. Although I need to get away from the frozen foods, It tasted great, and the muffins went down well with an ice cold glass of the ol' doctor.

I spent the rest of the night researching an Airsoft pistol called the Hi Capa 5.1 Gold Match, its a gun I would love to buy after I get a job. My ex began texting me, and looking for conversation at some point, I had very little interest in it.

I went to bed feeling amazing after my progress. Tomorrow I'm going to double it, but I'm staying at home. I need to be able to work at home alone.


11th September 2018 - Morning

I know you were expecting this, but little work done so far today. I needed to update this blog, so I decided to do that, as well as some cleaning around the house before actually getting to any studying. Still. I have plenty of time today.

Although If I don't hit at least the eight thousand words tonight, I'm really going to have to drop any plans for fun for the rest of the week.