A break-up song!

By Jarren Dunn · Sep 8, 2012 · ·
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  1. She said

    Let me tell you something
    My life would mean nothing
    If you couldn't be here
    She whispered into my ear

    She tell me that she loves me
    No priority above me
    God, you're such a liar
    Want to set this world on fire

    (Chorus)
    So I'll go on all alone
    Do you realize what you've done
    Breaking my heart once again
    How do you expect this not to end?
    (End Chorus)

    Come on crawling back now
    Say we can fix this some how
    And the only words I've spoken
    You can't mend what you have broken

    I really really like this one. I felt the emotion while writing it and I wrote it to an acoustic piece that I put together. I'm really interested to hear what people think!
    P.S. I realize that it isn't finished yet! Work in progress.
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Comments

  1. Mckk
    I'm not sure about this line:
    It doesn't run very smoothly because naturally one expects the line to read "How do you expect this to end?" It also felt illogical to me, I can't explain why, but when a girl is using you or manipulating you etc, she doesn't think to herself, "Haha this will never end!" You tend to only think thoughts like, "This is going to end" when you're in despair, or "This is never gonna end" again in despair but implying that you wish that it would end, only it won't. I guess my main objection is the language we'd normally use based on our situation, and your language doesn't match.

    How about maybe something like:
    "Did you take me for a fool, thought I'd live and die for you?"

    I'm not a musician and neither do I write songs, and I know my example might not fit into your meter but you get the gist :)

    Otherwise it sounds like a nice song. If you wanted it to be deeper, I'd maybe expand on how the guy feels cheated, and I think you can add depth by expanding on just what the girl did to deserve these words so your listener can relate and therefore feel your song more. As it is, it sounds like the girl's been a darling and an angel and crying to have the guy back in the last verse and there's the narrator just being mean.

    But like I said, I don't write songs and I think the depth you have here resembles the average pop song I enjoy, so it all depends on what you want for your song really.
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