A Distant Knowing

Published by ChimmyBear in the blog ChimmyBear's blog. Views: 105

When life moves along, we just go with it. We go to work, pay our bills, take care of our needs and those of our family. Seldom do we stop to analyze what we are actually doing, it is a simple act of existence and doing the right thing.

I have been going through the motions for so long, I have allowed myself to become entangled with chains and cords. The reason is simple, I just keep moving forward as I try and maintain my pace with living. Whenever something unexpected happens, I'll make this decision or that, reaching for whatever I feel will make me more balanced. My internal closet is filled with too much baggage and too many weights. Tonight I realize this is no way to live. True joy wont be found until I sift through the junk to find what is truly of value.

I am leaving for awhile, I need to take some time to sort out my feelings and rediscover myself again. I have worn a weary smile for far too long now. I'm not really sure what that means. I am not sure if I will be back here again, or if I will inevitably say goodbye. There is nothing worse than not knowing yourself. There is nothing worse than bringing others down with you.

I am treading waters that I fear are going to overtake me and if I don't grab hold of something true and steady, I will drown for certain.

The thing is, I am strong, I know that I am. I have had to be strong my whole life. Some people are born to be over comers, others are given an easier path. I will not go down quietly, I will not give into what is nothing more than a darkened path. Honestly, I can't honestly say when I last saw light. There have been glimpses of it but as I approach its warmth, it simply vanishes into darkness once more.

Much thought has been given to this decision, so many things have been weighed in the balance of what is important. I only need give myself the time to be selfish for a bit as I listen to my internal voice. This means shutting out the noise screaming so loudly in my head. Too many voices of family and friends, some who mean well, others who mean ill will. It is all too much right now.

This has truly been an arduous year for me. So many mountains have been climbed, so many dry places have been crossed. I am tired, and worn from my journey. I am searching for rest...I need to close my eyes and just let it all go. I need some time alone.
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