I love how one thing can suddenly spark a million different fires, igniting the ground in a flurry of brilliant, dazzling light.
I don't honestly know how it started. The day was already planned ahead: get up, go to Dorney with my best friend on the planet, hit home and crash from a whole day of roller coasters, water-parks, and mild madness in the form of two giddy girls together, gossiping like old wives.
Well, it turned out that Dorney was closed, go figure. Stunned, Steph and I debated what to do, and settled for visiting a good friend of ours, Katie. Her having a pool only made things a little better.
I know, I know, I'm kind of jumping around on this one. My brain's a little frazzled, and I'm finding myself in the process of losing my words even while I write. It may have to do with the person I'm on the phone with, it may have to do with the ideas and realizations that smacked me in the face while I was talking to him, on the verge of passing out, but hey, no one's pointing the finger.
See, earlier today, I ran into an old friend at Katie's house. He's been a friend of mine that I lost touch with in the middle of our graduation, him getting kicked out of his house, finding a job and so far not succeeding, etc. Brandon had always been someone close to me, and not just because I had been crushing on him since the day I met him junior year of high school. We connected on levels that most people didn't even touch with me, levels that people didn't even get close to. All we'd have to do is touch, or look at each other, and the silent exchange was more than a book filled with our words.
Just before I left Katie's house today, naturally, I hugged him. I didn't think it would be anything more than the same bodily contact like it was with everyone I knew. Only this time, it was someone ripped a good chunk of my chest out, hollowed me in a way, and then proceeded to fill my insides with a fire that couldn't be contained. I could myself burning, almost to the point of wanting to cry. I honestly thought the loneliness I had felt, the loneliness that felt just like this, had left me when I said farewell to Mike over two years ago.
But this one burned stronger. A reminder of my absence in life. A reminder that I was still missing something important.
I had thought that I could go on without it; the human touch that left me with shivers up and down my spine, that twisted knot in my stomach that reminded me I felt attraction still. But that one, tiny little connection with Brandon, told me I was wrong. I had been making sure not to connect with anyone, keeping these walls up to preserve what was left of my sanity. I didn't think I was doing damage to myself in the process.
It only clicked to me that, while talking to someone near to my heart just a few minutes ago, that maybe it's time for a little change. To take a risk or two, quit playing all coy and 'subtle', and just spit things out when they need to be said, be a little honest, a little vulnerable.
And, ironically, you'd think I'd start with Brandon.
But, that's not even close.
Brandon was the fuel, no more, no less.
So, I'm going to go ignite myself some more, and hopefully this fire will override the other, choking one inside my heart, maybe numb the pain a little bit, if not fully.
And I think I know just the guy who can help me with that.
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