A Long Long Time Ago-February Made Me Shiver

With every word I typed.


Bad weather on the doorstep, couldn`t take a single step


I can't remember if I cried


When I read the weather


But something touched me deep inside the day the sun came out


I rather like Don Mclean…..Starry Nights good to, but American Pie`s strongly tied to February. The music died on the 3rd...the day we`ll all be watching the “big game”. I`m not even big into football, nor do I have a TV, so won't be watching but clips of ads and halftime will be enjoyed on Monday. More interested in how Groundhog day turns out tomorrow. If it's six more weeks i'm throwing down with ol Phil. He'll end up like New York's ground hog when I'm done with him. (useless fact: They dropped him on his head and killed him one year. I believe that to have happened on TV too but I can't recall. Makes it more memorable. I imagine they've killed and maimed many of these groundhogs) Groundhogs day`s a big deal here in PA and elsewhere. A few groundhog parties tonight and tomorrow. Mainly beer drinking debauchery shin dings with local bands...that`s all this town is. I want fireworks people or groundhog shaped pancakes. To snowed in for any of that though and working the art center tomorrow night on a non groundhog event so no fun for I.

The polar vortex nonsense is still battering us here in the Keystone State. Ok maybe the vortex stopped but it's still cold and the wind chills are still unfriendly. I've mentioned that it's been like living in a snow globe. I actually used to collect snow globes...feel bad for those poor people now. At the whim of a fickle snow god,“All fear the great Sky Shaker!”. Constant snow storms, no break between them. Thankfully should be shoveling out tomorrow, and it should get into warm temps and melt off this week. Winter only came for January and February`s gonna take care of us. I love February, so it's fitting it brings the sunshine. Feels like January went by too quickly but i`m not complaining. Month of half starts.

February, holds my birthday at the end of it among other things. Turning twenty one on the twenty first day. Quite liking that irony, never gonna match up like that again. I`m mixed on if i`m excited for it or not. Less of a thing to build up to more of something to celebrate in the moment, on that day with whatever occurs. Simple get togethers and such. At least for me. Though I do have a friend who`s birthday is like three days after and wishes to try the towns new Hookah lounge sooo. It is the big two one, which I mean I have all my freedoms I suppose. At least as far as my choice of legal poisons go. I don't plan on being a prude who never drinks but I also don't plan on going out on a bender right out of the gate.

Outside of the booze it's kinda a lot, there's a song by one of my new favorite bands with the line. “Everyone I know seems to have it all figured out but here I am at twenty five and I don't know where i`m going in life. But I feel like we`re all going insane hiding behind a smiling face.” Which about sums that up. I`m aware twenty one`s still young by most metrics, and everybody have a different path they start at different points. Logically I understand all that but the anxiety never goes away and gets rather bad. If I don`t lose my insurance I can work on that though. My anxiety`is going at me in my head right now for not doing enough today but I worked out, I cleaned, and yes part of the day was taken up by a mentally exhausting situation and a nap but I'm doing this now. Working on this blogs a goal. It's alright. Can`t force everything into one day.

On the topic of lyrics up there's a song by one of my favorite rappers, that`s a pretty good glimpse into my mental state. It has these two lines. “I should be grateful I know i`m good and able, but I just can't get up from the kitchen table. This kind of shot comes once. Another opportunity of a lifetime just slipped away. That's the fifth this month,but when you take a punch don't ever forget why you get up and put one foot in front of the next. ” and then this one “I`ve been using a pool of water as a mirror but not for styling. To reach in and slap my reflection for acting childish.” Those lines are also fitting to me at the moment. As has been chronicled here and in other parts of the forum namely the mental health thread I struggle a lot with depression, anxiety, feeling loss, sense of identity, and those fun angsty issues of youth. I've gotten a lot of great opportunities i'm grateful for. Some went well most haven`t. Some for outside factors, others were more or less due to a failure on me handling my issues. Which left a mark and didn't exactly make them any better. It did teach, where the limits and issues are and what I need to overcome and i'm trying to work on that. I`ve been trying but I feel like it's really getting going now. Even this blog post is a part of that. Every little step.

Spring is a time of growth, I want to look to new horizons new adventures. It's not spring yet though it`s the end of winter. For now it's time to defrost, rebuild, and trim the briers back. Take that project list that's been stagnant and ether finish them or shelf it. Rebuild bridges I let decay when things were bad. I`m already a shut in during the winter, shut in more. February itself has many special days I should be present for but other than that shut in and work what you`ve put off. Can expand my social horizons when the house is clean. (metaphorically) Time to work, repair, and evaluate.

That's enough of that though. Why do I love February if not my birthday or the superbowl? It's the time of American Pie, a tangible connection to an American classic. Sure it`is a ballad of it`s time and it draws its identity from that but if you listen hard enough you can hear the bitter February cold and promise of spring in the essence of it. Then there's the day of lovers. Which is a marketing holiday built on the grave of a guy who got beheaded for standing up to oppression and the persecution of lovers. Yet no let's remember him with anatomically incorrect heart cards. If you have a lover though enjoy your day, have your fun. Love is something to celebrate not that it's necessarily what V day`s about but if you make it about that then you're beautiful and that's beautiful. Love isn`t just romantic, should make the day about love for all humanity. Crap i'm sounding like one of those Woodstock hippies again. Someone pass the acid.

What's great about it though is the candy that goes on sale after. Plus Dunkin Donuts special donuts which it is fine to eat in your car alone crying. This year also has two dollar boxes of munchkins. Shamrock shakes come back soon to. Probably gonna kill you but boy does it taste good. It's gonna be great. Even have those little “hidden holidays”. My b day is read a card day….easy enough.

Let it begin! This post is still kinda glimpse inside my mind ramble written in one night but should be more polished then the last thing. Maybe next time I shouldn't have so many themes. Spit them up next time. I`m gonna polish and post this then go to my progress journal.