I must admit, I probably have to be the most self-destructive person I know. Last night would be the best testament to this.
Most of you know that, while it's been a while since I've written anything in here, I'm not spared of owning my own demons in my life. On good days I think of them like little imps; casual, mischievous little creatures that enjoy watching me trip over my own two left feet. Bad days, however, tell of a different tale. I lose part of myself to the darkness, swallowed whole by a miasma with no way out. My inner voice splits into two, the light and the dark, waging wars with each decision I make.
Every time this happens, I can only sit on the sidelines and watch, my hands and feet bound, mouth gagged. The darkness overcomes me with ease, images of icy steel and a withered world holding homage to the black-cloaked side of my nightmares. She only shows up when I'm standing on a cliff, metaphorically speaking of course, just as my feet scrape the edge of the craggy, unstable rock. We both know I can't do this on my own, so she offers to take the reins for a little.
I gladly accept. I never seem to learn from my mistakes to put her in control.
Last night played out just like that. My head had been spinning for days, my relationship with my life-long boyfriend Tim threatened. I had been doing well before when we'd fight or feel an outward pressure placed upon us; breathe, smile, continue on with life. I wasn't that lucky this time. My skin had felt like I was burning alive from the inside out, my inner screams and pleading going unheard. I had gotten testy with Tim, snapped and felt the crackle of pain in my words, yet I didn't stop. I hadn't even made it to the cliff before my inner darkness had seeped out, promising to make everything go away.
So what had I done? I said the worst thing I possibly could. Told him I didn't love him, that I liked his cousin more. I took a sword to his throat, cut halfway through, only to stop and watch him bleed, alive and in pain.
What have I done?
I want to go back so badly right now, stand up before myself and smack the frightened girl so hard she'd lose her front teeth. In those words that I had cut him down with, I built my own cage, my own damning prison, and from the moment I uttered the words, I regretted it, I truly did. I should know by now that trusting the dark hole to offer me comfort was probably the largest laughing matter next to my wish to win the lottery.
Thankfully, I'm not alone in dealing with my inner black hole. With every ounce of darkness, there is a pinprick of light somewhere, like thunder in the distance. It lights up the sky for just a moment, but it burns in your retina, showing you the paths lingering ahead. As soon as the damage had been done between the two of us, I did my best to recover. By no means am I a religious person; while I was raised a Christian, I don't acknowledge myself with a church, or any form of religion. But I do believe in God, and I sure as hell believe in second chances.
A very similar road presented itself to me a long, long time ago, back when I thought teenage love was forever, when hormones took control of everything I could think about. While I took the wrong road there, I made sure I didn't this time, even if it meant combing back through the thicket to the fork in the road to make that choice over again, I did it. I wasn't, nor am I ever going to, let my one shot for true, life-fulfilling love get away from me. I'm willing to fight, stand tall and proud, and bridge the gap that has fallen between the two of us because of my actions and my words.
I know, I know, it all sounds a little, well, nuts. I mean, who visualizes the light and dark within them as separate beings? I'm sure I'm one of the sole few who isn't existing off of medication for conformity into society. But there's just no other way to put it, because that's how it happened to me. Being a (slightly unstable) writer gives me that awkward spin on things to the point where I view my life almost from a third person perspective. Either way, be it third person viewing or first person, I'm ready to tackle one of my most personal problems head on, because I don't back down from a fight. Never have, never will.
Sometimes the sun only shines for a few people, clouding the rest into a thick veil of darkness. Well maybe it's time we try to rise above the clouds for once.
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