Action Stations

Captain: Attention all hands, we’re going to be heading out for a quick shakedown cruise this morning. Status checks to follow. Navigation?

Navigation: Suggesting a medium loop, sir, navigation is go.

Captain: Acknowledged, Navigation. Engine room?

Engine room: Engine room advises no more than three-quarters throttle, and concurs with Navigation’s recommendation of a medium loop. Engine room is go.

Captain: Acknowledged, Engine room. Torpedo room?

Torpedo room: Torpedo room is clear, captain. Good to go.

Captain: Say again your last, Torpedo room. Are you confirming clear?

Torpedo room: That’s affirmative, captain, we are good to go.

Captain: Roger that, Torpedo room. Navigation?

Navigation: Navigation, aye.

Captain: Set course for a medium loop. Engine room?

Engine room: Engine room, aye.

Captain: All ahead three quarters. All hands, we are underway on a medium loop.

<cheering>

Navigation: Captain? Navigation here, we’ve cleared the one kilometer mark.

Captain: Thank you, Navigation. Engine room, status?

Engine room: Everything’s running smoothly down here, sir.

Torpedo room: Um, Captain? Torpedo room here.

Captain: What is it, Torpedo room?

Torpedo room: Um, no, nothing, disregard.

Captain: Are you sure, Torpedo room?

Torpedo room: Yes, sir, no problems here, smooth sailing.

Captain: Ookaaay then, let’s carry on. Um, Navigation? Let me know when we get to the short loop waypoint, just in case.

Navigation: Aye, aye sir.

Captain: Engine room, anything to report?

Engine room: No sir, everything’s warmed up and running smoothly. As a matter of fact, sir, I think we might be able to pull off a-

Torpedo room: Captain, we have a problem!

Captain: What’s going on, Torpedo room?

Torpedo room: We’ve got one, two, thre- I don’t know how many, but they’re getting ready to cook off, sir!

Captain: Torpedo room, you said you were all clear, what the hell happened?

Torpedo room: I don’t know, sir, but these things are getting mighty hot, we’ve got to get them off this ship and fast, sir!

Captain: Do you think we can make it back to port?

Torpedo room: I can’t say for sure, sir, but I’ll do my best.

Captain: Navigation, bring us about, and plot a new course back to port.

Navigation: Aye aye, sir, plotting course to port.

Captain: Engine room, can we manage all ahead full?

Engine room: Yes sir, but the vibration-

Torpedo room: No! Do not increase the vibration levels on this ship, for the love of God!

Captain: Torpedo room, get ahold of yourself. Engine room, steady at three-quarters full. Torpedo room, I want status reports every time something changes, or every five minutes, whichever happens first.

Torpedo room: Aye aye, captain. The fish seem to be stabilizing, but we need to get to port ASAP.

Captain: Understood. Navigation, how long til we reach port at present speed?

Navigation: Eight minutes, give or take, sir.

Captain: Eight minutes, roger that.

Torpedo room: Captain? Fish seem to be stable, sir.

Captain: Good. Only a minute or so more, Torpedo room. Hang on.

Torpedo room: Aye, si- Umm, sir? The fish are heating up again. Sir? They’re getting really hot now sir, we can’t have more than thirty seconds or so.

Captain: Hold on, hold on, shrouds off, docking now, aligned with the safe disposal chu-

Torpedo room: Firing one! Firing two! Firing three! Fir-

Captain: Did I give the order to fire?!?

Torpedo room: No sir, but once the chute was lined up-

Captain: The chute was lined up, but we were not fully docked yet, Torpedo room. We got lucky this time, but your status checks need to get a lot more thorough and accurate before our next cruise, understood?

Torpedo room: Firing seven! Aye, aye sir…. Firing…oh god, that one exploded in the tube, this is getting messy…