Captain: Attention all hands, we’re going to be heading out for a quick shakedown cruise this morning. Status checks to follow. Navigation?
Navigation: Suggesting a medium loop, sir, navigation is go.
Captain: Acknowledged, Navigation. Engine room?
Engine room: Engine room advises no more than three-quarters throttle, and concurs with Navigation’s recommendation of a medium loop. Engine room is go.
Captain: Acknowledged, Engine room. Torpedo room?
Torpedo room: Torpedo room is clear, captain. Good to go.
Captain: Say again your last, Torpedo room. Are you confirming clear?
Torpedo room: That’s affirmative, captain, we are good to go.
Captain: Roger that, Torpedo room. Navigation?
Navigation: Navigation, aye.
Captain: Set course for a medium loop. Engine room?
Engine room: Engine room, aye.
Captain: All ahead three quarters. All hands, we are underway on a medium loop.
Navigation: Captain? Navigation here, we’ve cleared the one kilometer mark.
Captain: Thank you, Navigation. Engine room, status?
Engine room: Everything’s running smoothly down here, sir.
Torpedo room: Um, Captain? Torpedo room here.
Captain: What is it, Torpedo room?
Torpedo room: Um, no, nothing, disregard.
Captain: Are you sure, Torpedo room?
Torpedo room: Yes, sir, no problems here, smooth sailing.
Captain: Ookaaay then, let’s carry on. Um, Navigation? Let me know when we get to the short loop waypoint, just in case.
Navigation: Aye, aye sir.
Captain: Engine room, anything to report?
Engine room: No sir, everything’s warmed up and running smoothly. As a matter of fact, sir, I think we might be able to pull off a-
Torpedo room: Captain, we have a problem!
Captain: What’s going on, Torpedo room?
Torpedo room: We’ve got one, two, thre- I don’t know how many, but they’re getting ready to cook off, sir!
Captain: Torpedo room, you said you were all clear, what the hell happened?
Torpedo room: I don’t know, sir, but these things are getting mighty hot, we’ve got to get them off this ship and fast, sir!
Captain: Do you think we can make it back to port?
Torpedo room: I can’t say for sure, sir, but I’ll do my best.
Captain: Navigation, bring us about, and plot a new course back to port.
Navigation: Aye aye, sir, plotting course to port.
Captain: Engine room, can we manage all ahead full?
Engine room: Yes sir, but the vibration-
Torpedo room: No! Do not increase the vibration levels on this ship, for the love of God!
Captain: Torpedo room, get ahold of yourself. Engine room, steady at three-quarters full. Torpedo room, I want status reports every time something changes, or every five minutes, whichever happens first.
Torpedo room: Aye aye, captain. The fish seem to be stabilizing, but we need to get to port ASAP.
Captain: Understood. Navigation, how long til we reach port at present speed?
Navigation: Eight minutes, give or take, sir.
Captain: Eight minutes, roger that.
Torpedo room: Captain? Fish seem to be stable, sir.
Captain: Good. Only a minute or so more, Torpedo room. Hang on.
Torpedo room: Aye, si- Umm, sir? The fish are heating up again. Sir? They’re getting really hot now sir, we can’t have more than thirty seconds or so.
Captain: Hold on, hold on, shrouds off, docking now, aligned with the safe disposal chu-
Torpedo room: Firing one! Firing two! Firing three! Fir-
Captain: Did I give the order to fire?!?
Torpedo room: No sir, but once the chute was lined up-
Captain: The chute was lined up, but we were not fully docked yet, Torpedo room. We got lucky this time, but your status checks need to get a lot more thorough and accurate before our next cruise, understood?
Torpedo room: Firing seven! Aye, aye sir…. Firing…oh god, that one exploded in the tube, this is getting messy…
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