"Engage multi-phase, omni-directional accelerators!"
"Roger!" At the command I form the most awesome pose I can think of, tighten by blue space-suit spandex-ed butt cheeks glistening in the starlight, and promptly forget half of my training. "What?"
"That means take off, newbie!" Master Ambassador Puretide smacks the back of my helmet, giving me a helpful 'head start' away from the ship towards my first real negotiate-ee. Fingering my palm engages the rocket pod on my back, and I fly V-visor first towards the...
"Whoa." A Xen'dellian mind wyrm flays about against the black and white polka-dot skirt of space, it's ten primary bloom heads poofing acidic spores against the hull, its mega-womps grating and pusstulating against the emergency hatch.
"You forgot the javis hoiks." My team mate is right on time, orange butt-cheeks settling behind me as we soar towards the creature/plant.
"Pff, no one cares about those- acid!" I finger my palm and shift to the left, my team mate shifting right. The corrosive blob soars past us straight at-
"Thank you, sir!" I hear the Ambassador's melting voice, as the acid sears and melts through his suit, helmet, and body. "I greet you in kind, in peaaglrb."
"Looks like you just got promoted!" My teammate takes a quick pic of the oozing Ambassador with his thumb-cam. "Should I post the casualty report on flinder, or space-book?
"Put that phone away nerd!" I flip and spin, dodging a hoik. "Mark the ship! I'm going in!" Boosting hard, I close straight towards the wyrm's face/beak. The G-force pushes my face back, but I tense up to stay sorta-conscious. I reach for my negotiator prompts-cards, trying to judge the optimal way past the mass of strange appendages towards the eye of the creature.
Too late. A bloom head thwacks me hard, my flight interrupted, my legs, waist, and arms soaking into the ooze, my shoulders and head sticking out stupidly. Shortest mission ever.
"Hey, dude!" The mega-eye turns towards the hull. The motion whips me upside down, as the creature's huge body turns towards... my teammate...
"You know..." I rip my hand out and point, ooze flopping from my hand into space. "... I don't even know your name."
"I'll tell you if we live." He steps boldly towards the creature, hands on hips, and points at one of the numerous holes burnt into the hull. "No!"
"Er..." I don't remember this being on any of the prompt-cards.
"Bad!" He points at the wyrm. "No!" He points at the ship. "Look at this mess."
Just when I consider sending two more casualty reports, the head releases me and begins to shrivel. I boost away and turn, just in time to see the massive wyrm retract all it's feelers and spores, the segmented body withdrawing into a small coil.
I watch teammate as he demonstrates the first rule of the Para-negotiator: Control how the negotiation starts, and you control how it ends.
"This is horrible, horrible damage to the ship..." He points at the creature. "Sir!" As I land the creature begins to slink away. I follow my teammate's lead.
"Sir, ma'am!" I beckon the creature over. "Would you please come look at this damage!?" The wyrm looks away. "Sir, this is some horrible damage!?" The wyrm looks guilty, slinking sideways towards us, but refusing to look.
"Oh yes, horrible damage." My teammate shakes his head. "I don't know if we can talk now."
"No!" The voice rips my mind in half. I now have two personalities. "We can still talk." Oh good, my mind is back- "I didn't know meat creatures were living here." Crap, three I think.
"Well sir, me and my three butt-cheeks are living very happily in the currents the river styx-"
"Personality split." I mumble... I think.
"Oh, that makes sense- shut up! Er, me and..." With my teammate's mind still split, I quickly take over.
"Sir, these damages might be overlooked, IF we can set a time at a neutral location to discuss communication methods that don't rip apart our minds." I pull up my thumb phone. "Are you free on..." I flick my oozy, thumb phone shut and pull out a piece of plastic paper. "Are you free on..." I snap my fingers in front of teamey's face. "You got a pen?"
"Dave Razer, but my friends call me John."
"I didn't ask your name, gimme a pen, dork!"
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