Blind Devotion... "Strong language"

Impure beliefs, things moving around me, seeking me, wanting me... Not a cause of mind but impaired reality, a box holding my soul, leaving me in a state of nothingness, a mental state outside that of which is real... So I hope; for this life is not the same as the other, I tend to wake up more then usual, in places I felt, I had past already... Life, what a silent movie; of part I don't exist...

Meaningless thoughts still fear me... but soon is all forgotten to new thoughts seeking a more profound meaning to the mind... Needless to say I told you so... Thus I answer myself? not to be myself but to feel sure; that this is all still real?

>>>
Random things:

I can't explain the ways I tried to put this, it's so hard not to scare people... For the fact that we always try to keep each other safe but at the end you only then realize that you weren't helping or protecting that person you were only making it worst, " Unspoken words cause the soul more pain then spoken words "...

I still love you, I do, but it's hard because I already closed on you... Pain is just another pebble on my road, for I seen much worst than this, although pain is nothing its pain turning and growing into a tormented suffering that really freaks me out, you don't see it - you never do, For me it ain't about planing the perfect life, you never see it... How many times did you plan something and made it? Yes it can happen... but are you happy then? If so good for you... I was wrong then, but still I don't see the meaning to it in anyway... Just like everything else....

Yes I know 'You are depressed get help blablabla...'... Fine got help, and so it turned out that the person trying to help me had problems as well, not that shocking at all as we all have problems, its the way you cope with them that make yours different from the rest. Now coming back to the complete Hypocritical lifestyle that we all make use off, yes! Face it we all are!... but there is a difference those that know it and try to work without it, and those that are so used to it they can't live without it. But that is another story...

Here today I step-up and speak my mind, as my reality became my dream world and my dreams seem like reality now, I face day to day scenes where I have missing parts, things seem black or lost; I'm so busy thinking that, I don't even realize the things that doesn't interest me anymore... I tend to think of ways to do it, not that this is anything new to me, it's normal don't worry about me I will always be fine... 7 years now.... 7 years, 7 long fucking years with constant torment, constant questioning and so many changes in ones life, things and more things.... My mind can't take it anymore... I won't I can't fake a life like you all do... I won't, I live my own life, I die alone....

So what is the reason for this post? No idea really I thought I'll just say it anyway maybe out there somewhere in this void we live in someone has the same shit, or just plainly for the fact that If I had to say it to Them they would flip, they won't understand they never do... Slowly the living life leaves this capsule I got from God, about that it's pointless there is no reason, I didn't ask for this, although you can't argue like that but you think about it, it opens up the big question why?? So I'll just say it and leave it because no one can answer that question only the Maker knows... Not that I'm saying there ain't one... I mean come on you really belief we came from fucking monkeys.... HAHA wtf ever...

Further more back to the 'Reason'... I don't see any... read! I said 'I' don't see any!!... Well everything aside.. I'm happy I have everything I need... well almost.. but I can't complain about that not that I'm complaining only giving a statement?... I think... who cares... anyway... Back to the point I think I have lost it, this here is about 1% of all the stuff going in and out my mind in a day... I will seize to exist before I find myself within a psych ward or some strange mental hospital or some hell'ish place.... I guess the point of this was only to get it out of my system, not that it ever helps...

Ways of thinking:

You ever came across a thought or emotion where you find yourself analyzing it for more then a few minutes, you end up working out ever possible way of every ending and possible outcome of that 'thought, saying, decision or what ever', so by then you end up thinking it would be either pointless to even say it or to mention it, so you rather just stay quiet... Or most times I find myself talking to someone and 1 minute into the conversation you can work out the way you want it to go, talk about what ever you want or even work out everything in my head and end up thinking I should rather leave this guy/girl is going to bore me to shit...

Ever tried to lie... This is the worst it never ends, I go so deep I would get lost for days...

(to be continued)