But February Made Me Ponder

With every, I thought I conquered.

The second and one of my favorite months of the year has finally dawned upon us. February happens to be my birth month though that is not related to it being one of my favored months. I have no actual biases or reasoning for this thought but I have this idea that certain months just seem to be more creatively charged than others. February, March, April, and October specifically. Something energizing in that.


Or so I`m hoping.

Last October the energy didn`t seem to push enough. Even tonight, I spent the last handful of hours having this tab up and just watching youtube. The only reason I didn`t scrap it for now and go to bed is A. The point of these Junk Draw posts isn`t perfection. My Medium posts our polished, this is more of a brain dump and showing a more raw version of the thought process.

That`s also mostly bullshit and this whole post was saved solely because I found this and wanted to try it.



I don`t know whether or not it`s having any effect but the vibrations sure our something. ADHD or any focus problem really is hard to grapple with. Sitting down and wanting to read, write, or whatever the thing is but you're brain and your willpower just seem out of sync and you can`t bring yourself to focus no matter how much you feel like you're pushing and pushing yourself. All that pushing and pushing leads to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from...doing nothing...essentially. In reality, it`s a lot of mental work, but it can feel like nothing because there`s no results or not the ones we`re programmed to expect. Our own internal feelings towards this can then be amplified by the fact that this internal hardship and struggle can`t be seen so it looks like you just aren`t doing the thing or making a choice. I can remember in college struggling to focus so hard in math class and the two boys next to me constantly ribbing and picking on how I didn`t do anything, or I didn`t care when I did care. A lot actually, and whether it was meant to be hurtful or not it did hurt, though ADHD also has a role in messing with emotion regulation sooo. One thing that stood out allways as the contrast in that math class though is the teacher. As boring and standard math professor as you could get, but he`s also one of the first people who actually acknowledge my ADHD without me every acknowledging it to them. It made it feel real like I know it`s real but both from internal dialogue and the family perspective my "symptoms" were faults of my own because I didn`t try or didn`t care enough. I never did end up passing that class and the professor probably doesn`t remember me but that was a very profound moment to me and always will be.

Not sure why I really chose to tell that story. I touched on it already in a forum post here about being a writer and how my therapist did a similar thing with recognizing my storyteller nature and traits before I mentioned them. One shouldn`t base to much on how they're perceived by others but it does help soothe doubts you may have about yourself. It`s part of the reason I`ve felt more confident this year in working towards rebuilding myself towards what I see myself as. No longer thinking that self-view as skewed, and actually believing in myself enough to put the effort forth now that I`m in a place where I`m able to.

My first Medium article talks a lot about this, as well as is the result of this. While it`s no great viral trend on the site, that doesn`t matter. It`s the step, that first writing, and the first step forward. Lots of steps like that in January there were. Also, a couple plates that fall to the floor with a resounding shatter.

Those are the ones I think about most.





For February it`s just about moving forward and trying not to get tripped up in the shame. Keep moving keep building. I started the new year working on a routine, that kinda fell away from me hoping to build that back up again. I also need to focus on my health more as I`m having some possible prediabetic worries. Some days the ADHD will win, but that doesn`t mean the shame has to.

I turn 22 this month, and it`s something that...when I was a depressed 16 year I never imagined myself living past 22 and to being reaching that shore...it`s something. My first instinct is to look back at everything and around at where I am now and tell myself "What do you have to show for yourself at 22? What worth do you possibly have? A washed-up college drop out who can`t even manage his minimum wage pay from scrubbing toilets?"

There`s more than that though. I survived and I`m working towards doing something anything with the unique voice that has given me. I may not be anywhere yet but I`m working on...something... I`m not even sure what it is myself yet.

Also, money managing that`s another February goal...as my checking has like 100 dollars in it atm....feeling a lot of shame around that atm to.

Welll...this one got away from me ... here I was planning to do some dribble about February being the month of the born again artist as I work more towards what I feel like is a lost part of myself. I guess that`s still in there too though.

I should spell check this but I`m tired and going to bed sooo.

Oh and because the video mentioned peer supports there our a few fellow writers here who always support me and that I do appreciate even if I don`t always know how to respond to it.

Shout out (and thanks) to @Some Guy @flawed personality @Cave Troll Troll and everyone else here on the site in general. If the tortured writer must be a trope at least we can all be tortured together.