Chronicals of Exzalia, a tale of innocence.

By Exzalia · Oct 9, 2013 · ·
  1. Why don't you go outside and play with the other kids?"

    A pale faced boy sat by his room window staring at the children playing below, his clothes were about as well kept as an uncastable, old and ragged, he was thin beyond reason and as usual he had that bored expression on his face. In the small boarding room, A young woman stood over him, her arms were crossed but her demeanor was by no wise harsh, just concerned. Eye brows knitted, mouth tilted in a display of disapproval. The boy said nothing in response, just brushed stray black hair away from his face.

    "Luke... your never going to make friends by sitting in your room all day, or by resurrecting spiders on your spare time, why don't you try being friendly, weave something cheery, how about a game of spell pop?"

    "I'm perfectly nice Fay, they aren't how ever," Luke responded darkly.Fay sighed shaking her head. seemingly giving up she headed out of his room."Although..." his voice stopped her advance, she looked back at him hopefully, those bright yellow eye's so common among her people boring into him. Luke wished he could gaze at them for an eternity, but quickly looked away in a bout of sudden shyness. "I...guess I could try a game of spell pop with one of them." He said with a hint of optimism

    her face brightened and soon Luke was suffocating under an over zealous hug. "PROGRESS!" She yelled spinning him around in her embrace. "Your finally coming out of your shell."

    "Fay..please, I'm not a baby and your suffocating me." She held him out at arms length, she was strong for a girl granted she was much older and he, and he was by no means heavy. "Why must you treat me like a doll?"

    "cause your cute with your whole loner wolf nonsense, you need a little love, now go outside and play nice with the other kids, don't come back till you make a friend got it?" he looked away from her bright face, but nodded.

    Luke waved back to fay as he descended down the long hall way passing the various dorm rooms, most of which housed the laughter of hopeful youths, over head he approached the marvelous golden and marble sign that graced every door in this place, it's marvelous letters read.
    Damrian royal Acadamy of eather and science. "Well i guess even the best school in all of Exzalia would have it's share of asses," he muttered and he opened the door to the wide world outside. The sun nearly blinded him the moment he set foot outside his dark dorm room, the sounds of laughing children flooded his ears, the air was cool taking the sting out of exzalias intense sun, blowing gently across the Academy. Over him the colorful streaks of windseers zoomed across the sapphire sky, there long brightly colored bodies glowing in the day light. he looked out to the horizen, Damiruu in all it's glary stretched out infront of him, a massive kingdom made of towering white and gold buildings, some of which touched the clouds and beyond. What he would not give to be here alone, just to behold a sunset on top of this grand peak which the school now stood. Away from judging eye's and scornful words

    "Look who came out of his hole." His thoughts were interrupted by a brazen voice. It was the half elf again, not that he mind half elves hell he him self was one, but this guy. Luke tensed, he bundled his fist in a trembling ball.

    I'm not looking for trouble." he said calmly.

    "Of course not, you are trouble." The the half elf responded, his bright warm skin and short but well kept orange hair seemingly reflected their enmity, they were as different as night and day.

    "You tell him Naven, Necromancer!" someone spat in the crowed spat. at that word all the kids in hearing range stopped what they were doing and started at him, things were going bad, fast.
    Luke and Naven stared each other down, the tension rose like temperature on a hot summer day, another young boy began to jitter a little eager to witness the on coming fight.
    "would you...like to play a game of spell pop?" Luke said awkwardly.
    Silence followed, the kids stared at him dumbfounded. "well?"

    "Hmm, you challenging me to a game of spell pop? I'll have you know I'm the champion, I don't want to waste time on a nox user like you."

    "sounds to me your just scared, does my necromancy scare you that much?" Luke, grinned as the taunt struck Naven like a sword, suddenly getting angry he pointed his finger at Lukes chest and yelled.

    "I ain't scared of a scrawny pathetic excuse for a mage like you!"
    ........
    Fay stretched and wiped her brow, looking back at the dorm room she smiled contently, clean as a whistle. her eye's drifted to the window, below her on the play ground Luke and Naven squared off surrounded by a group of cheering students.
    "He's making friends already." She said smiling, then went back to cleaning.
    ......
    "Naven goes first. let the game begin!" a student called. Naven pointed his hand in the air and streams of light rushed towards him, they seemed to flow in from no where, little bits of light coming together making a steady stream. It collected around his fingers and then, he released it! it spun then twirled, exploding in a dazzling array of light, bright golden brown rays fell on everyone like the sun it's self. The boys cheered the girls fawned, Naven stood there looking proud.

    "My turn." Luke took his stance on leg in front of the other, hands outstretched, like naven light seemed to flow towards him in streams, But unlike Navens it was a dark light, one that acted more like a mist than a river. Gently flowing, the collected in his hand. "corruption." he muttered and the black river shot out at the rivers of light, upon contact they stained Navens beautiful work black and like an angry cloud rained down the dark shadows like upon the surrounding children.


    "Eww, Nox is all over me." A girl whined wiping the darkness off her. The others seemed equally un amused.

    "huh, you call that beautiful? more like gross, looks like I win this one, you fail to even top that spell pop." Naven said proudly.

    "Your wrong." Luke said calmly, "Nox is just as beautiful as Althea, all the eathers are equal, what's more winning at spell pop it determined by two things, the skill of the weaver, and the beauty of the weave to the audience. They might not of liked it, but I completely countered and changed your eather, this round goes to -."

    "What's that? I can't here you over all the winning I'm doing!" Naven interrupted getting close to Luke and putting his hand over his ear mockingly, then he raised his arms in the air and strutted drawing more cheers from the others.
    Luke rolled his eye's. "you don't even follow the rules of your own game." he muttered.

    "he's right you know." a voice sounded from with in the crowd. the dark eather that hung over them began to fade letting through the bright sun once again, Luke winced from the sudden light as another student approached. When he eye's adjusted he suddenly began to blush, his tongue tide, he became speechless. It was Vava.

    Vava stared at Naven looking annoyed, "although Nox is the most deplorable eather, he completely countered your spell, Luke wins this round."

    "Vava baby, why you have to be like that?" Naven said slyly getting close to her, he too was blushing at her presence. A high elf, they always had an unexplainable beauty to them, even their children. Luke looked away from the golden haired, blue eyed wonder.

    "Don't call me baby." Vava said sternly, "I may not have know all your human slang, but I know what that human term means, I have lived in Damiruu long enough to learn, now admit defeat or go to round two." Vava crossed her arms glaring, beautiful yes, but full of thorns two she was far more then just a pretty elf. Luke liked that.

    "Fine, for you babe." Naven turned back to Luke frowning, "try and top this!" Naven hands began to sway, then circle as more of the shining eather flowed towards him his eye's shut close as he focused his weave, the eather spun and twirled dancing frantically before collapsing together in a dazzling light. The students covered their eye's and when they were finally able to look Naven had wings! they were wings of light, each feather finally crafted as if he had taken a fine needle and made each strand him self, they unfolded and hovered over them displaying all his skill at the art of weaving.

    Luke scoffed. "impressive, but impracticable, you could never fly with those flimsy things."
    Naven crossed his arms and angrily stared at him. "It's spell pop you dunce, spells don't need to be practical! Now just try to corrupt it, or make something better." They all gazed at Luke expecting him to fail.

    Luke nervously looked down at his shoe's. "I can't beat that it's true, but, I can't back down now, not in front of..." he looked over at Vava the only person who did not seem completely disgusted with him. "A possible friend? maybe if I can impress her enough, use my most powerful weave, show her just how skilled I really am, maybe she will be, maybe even...more then friends?."

    "Whats wrong? oh wait I know, you just realized how hopeless you are!" Naven began to laugh, mocking him. he pointed and laughed like a devil, forcing it even when he no longer found it funny just to humiliate him.

    Suddenly and with out warning Luke exploded with eather, Nox flowed out in black waves, washing against the groups feet. It shut up Navens laughter as Luke began to display all he had to offer. his hands moved in complex patterns, he even began to move his legs, almost dancing with his own eather, like two performers on a stage. his movements mirrored how he felt inside, a desperate yearning for acceptance and affection, feelings he ignored before were spurred on by a spark of hope. Why would Vava the most attractive and desirable girl in school defend him of all people? could it mean? he poured his mind his thoughts his very soul into this one spell, it was more then just a game now, it was his chance, his one chance.
    Finally he stopped his rhythmic moving. "watch me Naven." he said addressing the stunned opponent, but looking, at Vava. he raised his hand and the weave activated.
    .....
    Fay sat down staring at her self in the mirror, her dark skin had a very rude looking blemish right under her left eye. A pimple, a small one but hated none the less.
    "Oh no, not when I'm having a date tonight!" She proclaimed staring at the offending blight. very carefully she weaved red light around the tip of her finger, then slowly moved her hand close to her cheek, "I'll burn you off, just got to make sure not to burn my self, steady, steady."

    The building suddenly rocked, fay fell of her chair the red eather exploding blackening the whole right side of her face. She jumped to her feet in shock and annoyance. "The hell was that?" she cried angrily, she climbed back on her chair and looked back at the mirror, and upon seeing her fried hair and ashen face fell off again. "heads are gonna roll." She muttered lying on the floor angrily staring at the ceiling. She began to mutter curses. slowly her eye's widened, her sense tingled, the air grew cold, she felt slightly weak. Panic shot through her as she realised the place, her room, the whole school seemed to be over flowing with Nox eather.
    "Shadow mages?" she said breathlessly, her bad hair day forgotten she dashed out of her room and down the dorm hall way ready to defend the students to the death.

    The students were all off their feet from the blast of nox, only Luke stood, he glared at Naven grimly. Then stretching his hands to the right of him he said wolfishly grinning. "try and top this."
    To the right of him, was a dead windseer that stood, reared up like a snake, strips of flesh slopping off, the misshapen creature of beauty now tainted, you could see through it's eye sockets to it's brain, grey from decay, it's ribs were visible on the right side of the body, it's left covered by only paper thin skin. It attempted to call to it's master, but rotted focal cords turned the other wise bird like call to a low raspy cough.

    "watch this. Bub roll over!' the wind seer did as it was commanded, rolling over once, spilling only a little blood on the ground.
    "sit!" it curled up coiling it's self like a snake. "Good boy! now speak!"

    It barked a sickening grunt, Luke looked back at his audience with a sense of satisfaction. "It's my most powerful weave, It can fight a war boar by it's self, and fly just like a regular wind seer, pretty cool huh?"

    No one spoke, know one even moved, elfs half elfs, humans scorchfeinds, airmids. Every single one of them just stared on, horror apparent in their eye's. like statues they beheld the disheveled corpse that moved with a glitchy motion. One girl looked particularly mortified, only when the creature inch close could she react, with a scream. She turned and fled, her panic sweeping across them all like wild fire, child after child taking off gripped by fear.

    "Hey, don't run, he's friendly!" Luke called out to them, but they didn't even look back.

    "You Fucking freak! What the hell is wrong with you!" Naven roared, he grabbed Luke by his shirt and pulled him in.

    "I...I was just, I thought you would all like him, doesn't every kid want a windseer?" Luke said his hands raised.

    "not a dead one you fucking shadow mage!" Naven pushed him to the ground, "I'm going to kick the shit out of you!"

    "i'm not a shadow mage just because I can use necromancy! I just-" a swift kick silenced him. It knocked the wind out of him, he looked up to see Naven rear back and swing his boot at his face. he closed his eye's waiting for the impact, it never came.
    A fierce some screech sounded, and the Wind seer was upon the person who dared threaten his master, it slammed Naven to the ground then pressed it's weight on him, trying to crush him.

    "Bub! down boy!" but the undead creature didn't listen, he kept squeezing.

    "Bub I said down!" Naven let out a cry, a sickening crack could be heard. "Bub! why arn't you listening? I said down!" Luke commanded
    a bright light flashed, it came from the right and impacted the Windseer, Luke spun around to the source, it was Vava. she weaved again, and sent another golden spell at the creature, it screamed as the eather burnt away at it's flesh, turning in a ferral rage it charged Vava screaming angrily.

    "No Bub stop, stop I said! please!" Luke pleaded, but he could do nothing, all his practice, all his training. and now he had to mess up, now he had to summon something he could not control. had he messed up the weave? had he incorrectly bended the eather at some point? none of that mattered, not in his state of over whelming panic. but all he could do was scream stop, as his undead monstrosity charged into her.
    Another blast sounded, this time creating a red hew, hot eather suddenly burst from the wind seer, turning it's bottom half to ash. right as it was about to crush Vava a barrier flash in protecting her. Fay warped in standing beside the young elf.
    "What in Charon is happening here? who made this?!"

    "it was Luke." Vava said breathlessly, holding her chest in fear of the thrashing creature.
    "Luke? this is way beyond what a mere child should be able to do." Fay drew in more red hot rivers and smote the creature a second time, reducing it to ash.

    "Are you sure?" Fay said turning to the young elf. Vava looked over at him, their eye's met. Luke as tearing up, he wanted her to see how sorry he was, but he could tell. all she saw was a monster. A hazard, a deadly bomb that had been let into the school by grace alone, it was for the extermination of people like him that this school was founded, all he could see was terror in her eye's, terror and rejection.
    "Gahh! I think my leg is broken." Naven cried pathetically, holding his thigh gritting his teeth.

    "Vava get the clerics quickly, tell the clean up crew to burn the remains of that thing, and Luke." Luke looked up, fay gave him a hateful stare.
    "I..I didn't mean-"

    "Room NOW!" She yelled. He winced at her voice, but didn't protest. No student stood in his way as he sulked back to his dorm room, they parted for him, terrified of his very foot steps.
    "I bet you his father was a shadow mage,"

    "he's terriyfing."

    "was that thing that fucked up Naven his? no way."

    *Bam!* Luke shut the door to his room, and slumped back on his bed.

    .....
    An hour past Fay walked in closing the door behind her. greeted by a swift "leave, me alone."

    "The hell I will! What were you thinking? I said play a game of spell pop, you summon an undead abomination and sick it on everyone!"
    "That's not what happened!" Luke yelled defiantly. "I just wanted to impress them!"

    one hand on her hip, the other pointed out the window she countered. "well that's what they're saying! Do you have no self control? Now my ass is on the hot seat because I'm responsible for you, how the Charon do you expect me to prevent you getting expelled? God Luke why can't you just be normal?"

    Fay flopped on his bed her hand holding her head in frustration. for a moment they both just seemed to sulk there.

    "Then let me get expelled, I didn't belong here anyway..." he said darkly. moments passed as the two sat in silence only broken by Lukes futile attempts to keep from sobbing. "You were accepted to this school because of your promising talent and ability, never have i seen anyone master eather so well so early in life. if you don't belong here then i don't know where you would belong. look, I'm sorry i yelled I just, I want you to be happy and your not making it easy."

    "I'm sorry." Luke said weakly tears streaming down his face. Fay moved in and wrapped his arms around him, "You know your like a son to me Luke, ever since you were brought here from that decimated village all those years ago. Don't cry, I'm here for you okay?" Luke nodded, the warmth of a woman, it was a rare and wondrous thing for him, he hugged her back and in that moment, all the eather in the world was less then this simple embrace. If he had all the eather, he would do everything in his power to hold this moment, freeze it eternally, keep her from leaving him. Worlds may die, reality may crumble, all of it he would gladly sacrifice just to be like this a few moments longer.
    "Your a good kid Luke, believe it. Now get some sleep, I think I know how to keep you in school, if what you say is true then we can forgive an accident. I'm putting my neck out for you though."

    The boy nodded, and Fay pulled away. "good night." She said softly shutting the door. Once again he was alone in his dark room watching the world outside flash by. Well not completely alone, beside him a shadowy form took shape, a dark hand caressed his back, cold to touch, it was not at all soothing.

    "see what happens when you try to fit in? even Fay is terrified of you." It whispered.
    "go away, no she isn't." Luke said stubbornly.
    "Hmm she's good at hiding it." it responded, "All you have is me, don't worry my little one, I will make all the bad mortals go away, but only if you trust me."

    "No, your wrong. fay is with me, now be gone. I'm not in the mood." the shadow grinned, but obeyed fading back into him. Sleep called him, as his eye's began to close.
    Luke dreams were wondrous beyond measure and strange. the type of dreams 13 year old boys have for the first time, it involved fay and a wondrous love affair. He had had them before, and though in the morning he was embarrassed to even think about it, at this moment, they were the best thing in the world as, close to intimacy as he had ever known.
    -to be continued...

Comments

  1. Macaberz
    The message that is conveyed here and the profound deepening of Luke's character is wondrous to behold. I am quite sincerely touched, and impressed. From a technical point of view, I believe several improvements could be made, the dialogue didn't work all that well for me. Still, I can easily forgive some of the technical shortcomings because you've shown great character development here. Overall, I think this is one of your best pieces to date. It most certainly will be if you tighten things up and make the dialogue a bit snappier.

    Good work Ex. Makes me feel excited for ToE again (but I am not going to re-enter another time for credibility reasons).

    EDIT: I guess what I am saying is this: given all the things I learned about Luke through TOE 3, this is quite profound. As a stand-alone piece however, it has some shortcomings.
  2. Exzalia
    lol your always welcome mac and thanks for the honest critique!
      Macaberz likes this.
  3. Exzalia
    hmmm...well yes it's made assuming you know of luke already, if you wouldn't mind telling me how I can improve in more detail I would be grateful.
  4. Exzalia
    oooh gotta go I'll be back later!
  5. Macaberz
    Your version:

    Why don't you go outside and play with the other kids?"

    A pale faced boy sat by his room window staring at the children playing below, his clothes were about as well kept as an uncastable, old and ragged, he was thin beyond reason and as usual he had that bored expression on his face. In the small boarding room, A young woman stood over him, her arms were crossed but her demeanor was by no wise harsh, just concerned. Eye brows knitted, mouth tilted in a display of disapproval. The boy said nothing in response, just brushed stray black hair away from his face.

    "Luke... your never going to make friends by sitting in your room all day, or by resurrecting spiders on your spare time, why don't you try being friendly, weave something cheery, how about a game of spell pop?"

    "I'm perfectly nice Fay, they aren't how ever," Luke responded darkly.Fay sighed shaking her head. seemingly giving up she headed out of his room."Although..." his voice stopped her advance, she looked back at him hopefully, those bright yellow eye's so common among her people boring into him. Luke wished he could gaze at them for an eternity, but quickly looked away in a bout of sudden shyness. "I...guess I could try a game of spell pop with one of them." He said with a hint of optimism

    her face brightened and soon Luke was suffocating under an over zealous hug. "PROGRESS!" She yelled spinning him around in her embrace. "Your finally coming out of your shell."

    "Fay..please, I'm not a baby and your suffocating me." She held him out at arms length, she was strong for a girl granted she was much older and he, and he was by no means heavy. "Why must you treat me like a doll?"

    "cause your cute with your whole loner wolf nonsense, you need a little love, now go outside and play nice with the other kids, don't come back till you make a friend got it?" he looked away from her bright face, but nodded.

    My version:


    A thin, pale-faced boy sat in his room, his clothes were about as well kept as an uncastable’s: old and ragged. Resting his chin on his hands, he gazed at the children playing below. A young woman watched over him, her arms were crossed, her eyebrows knitted together and her mouth tilted in a display of disapproval.

    “Luke, you need to make some friends.”

    “I am fine.”

    “Other than resurrected spiders. Try being nice, weave something cheery, like a game of spell pop.”

    “I am fine Fay,” Luke repeated. “They just aren’t.”

    Fay sighed in defeat and was about to head out of the room.

    “Although…”

    Fay stopped her advance and gave the scrawny boy a hopeful look. Her bright, yellow eyes boring into him, trying to determine if he was being genuine.

    “I guess I could try.”

    Fay’s face lit up as she stormed over to Luke and nearly smothered him in a hug. “Progress! You’re finally coming out of your shell.”

    Luke wrestled himself loose, “Fay, please, I am not a baby. You almost suffocated me.”

    Unfazed, Fay held him out at arms-length. She was strong for a girl, and older, and Luke was very light.

    “Why must you always cuddle?” He complained.

    “Because you’re cute when you try to be a loner. You need a little love.”

    Luke scuffed his feet in embarrassment. Cute? He didn’t even dare look at her.

    “Now go outside, play, and don’t come back until you’ve made a friend, okay?”

    The difference:

    Obviously, I am not going to proclaim that my version is by definition better, it isn't. I just felt that what you were trying to communicate could be expressed more easily and clearly through dialogue, so that's what I focused on. I will not focus on some of the grammar issues as I know you can't help them, and they aren't that damaging to the flow of the narrative anyway.

    Your first paragraph is trying to establish the scene, and it's doing a pretty good job at it. We have a boy watching over the other kids playing outside. This gives a strong message straight away. He isn't playing, he is secluded from them. So far, so good. You run into difficulty however because of the things you're trying to disclose about Luke.

    1. He is pale.
    2. He is thin.
    3. He has black hair.
    4. He is poorly dressed.

    Most importantly, your first sentence is describing how he looks, then you jump to how he's dressed and then you jump back to his looks. I feel it's better to group the description of his looks together, then describe his clothing.

    Next up is the way Fay is standing watch over him. You're repeating yourself a bit. First you tell us that he look is one of concern, then you show us by telling us that her brows are knitted, her mouth is titled, etc. I felt that merging the two together would deliver the same message more clearly and profoundly.

    Now the real fun begins. Dialogue. I think you've choosen the right words and 'type' of phrases most of the time, but I can not sense a distinction int the way Fay talks as opposed to how Luke talks. Luke is a 13-year-old boy, Fay is an older girl, their speech patterns are going to be different, because of age and (like it or not), gender. Moreover, Luke is in a gloomy mood, and I didn't feel that he would say such long sentences if he was as depressed as you're trying to make him look. From my own experience, you don't really want to talk when you're depressed, so I thought that making Luke's dialogue much shorter and snappier was a good way to display that.

    My last note would be that Luke is complaining to Fay about being treated like a doll (I can't put my finger on it, but I don't think a thirteen year old boy would use the word 'doll', perphaps because boys (usually) don't play with dolls...I don't know, it's a small detail). Anyway, him complaining to Fay about that, then waving to Fay in the next sentence seems like too much of a mood swing. Having Fay wave at him however, would make for a strong image.

    Conclusion:

    Please note that I've really gone up and close, which is also why I limited myself to the first few paragraphs. Out of all things, I think your dialogue needs the most work. @Cogito has an excellent blog post on writing dialogue. For one, you don't need to write "he said" or "she said" behind every piece of dialogue. Moreover, try to boil your dialogue down to the bare essentials. People don't talk in long sentences, the user @blackstar21595 has some excellent advice on this which could be summarized as: the shorter your dialogue gets, the more realistic it becomes.

    Of course, as with any writing rule or guideline, things should be taken in perspective. @Crumpets made a post several days ago in The Scrolls of Iria where his character Key was droning on and on, to comical effect.

    As with anything, what I've written down is purely opinion based, I am just another guy trying to improve his writing so don't just take my word for it!
  6. Macaberz
    Was that of any use to you, Ex?
  7. Exzalia
    well you'll see soon, I'm half way done the second part :D
  8. Macaberz
    So when will you have part 2 up? I am quite curious to see where you will be going with this ex.
  9. Exzalia
    it's about half way done, I'm running into one of those days where you right something and it good, but could be better and you not sure why you feel that way, I'll do it though
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