Complications of a Modern World... Recent Diary Entry
Diary Entry: April 24th 2012 23:37pm
Last week, you contacted me.
Almost three months on, and yes, you still cross my mind. But my concerns are not ‘being civil for your 18th’, I’d much rather not be anything at all.
My heart has shifted. My letters are no longer to you.
How can I even repeat your name as if you were ever truly mine? How can these feelings be true? Are they true? Or just a delusional fantasy I wish to hold onto? I cannot be sure. Though I am sure that I really, truly, like you. Not love, I don’t know if I can let anyone in that far again… but I was ready, prepared, elated, that you suggested the ‘fresh start’. You have no idea.
When I first met you, never did the thought cross my mind that we could hold such an intimate connection, physical, emotional on my part. The strain is too much for my mind to bare, and I’m not sure who has ruined this second chance; you or I? I guess I am not used to being close to someone for short periods of time- my last relationship was intense. But somehow you complete me, and when I am with you I cannot help the smile which gleams across my face.
I miss you…
Saturday night. What happened? Was it just a drunken reconciliation? Or did you mean it when you said you missed me? Do you even remember? … So many thoughts, questions- no answers. I do wish you were honest with me, I really do. I am honest with you.
One question lingers in my mind- do you love me?
A no-doubt drunken comment not meant seriously by him, though taken for granted by the hopeful entity, named, myself. I cannot believe anyone will love me, for love is a feeling of deep intensity, only understood through experience. I like to think I experienced this once. I also like to think I am stronger now.
Will you talk to me again? Probably.
Will you speak the words I long to hear? Probably not.
I guess in the brash complications that make up the world as we know it, life does not meet the ideals of any woman, or man. Relationships are for those willing to partake. Not those who are scared of commitment, failure, rejection. We are those people.
Honestly, I would love to be in your arms again. For you to call me yours. To be committed, insane at it sounds. But these feelings have been kept enclosed in a cage of fearfulness, only relinquished when I met you. You, Mike. You mean a hell of a lot to me, and I’m sorry I had to lose you to see it. But I never thought someone could like me ever again. As intense as you did.
I’m sorry for being me. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be the perfect companion to fulfil your needs. I just wanted you to care, to show you cared. I am just as scared as you are, I find it hard to trust. But you know something, Mike, I trust you.
I trust you.
I’m sorry for everything, my feelings often override my mind.
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