Constant Reminders of my Manliness

The weekend just passed, GF was out shopping, which left me to complete Resident Evil 5, which I had enjoyed enough to play for a few days and I only had a few more levels left to complete.

After a while of living the dream of butchering Africans in their homeland in a totally non-racist game, I began to hear a buzzing. It was quite faint, but there.

"Oh great." I actually said aloud. "Freaking wasps." The wasps hadn't been an enemy in Resident Evil for years, but they had brought the Lickers back, so why not the wasps? Steeling myself for what could become the most annoying enemy in ages I pressed on in the game, making sure to stock up on handgun ammo.

"Come on, you frackers." I said, the buzzing getting louder. And that was when my phone began to ring. I squirmed around on the sofa to work my phone out of my pocket, saw it was GF, so I couldn't really ignore it, paused the game and answered the phone.

That was when I realised. Every game noise had ceased except for the buzzing. It was still coming from behind me. What I had at first assumed was the surround speaker making the noise turned out to be the biggest f'ing bee I had ever seen in my life. I'm not really one to exaggerate, so you know I'm being honest when I say it was the size of cow. This guy was massive and trying to get out of the window.

The instant my eyes landed on it, I screamed like a complete woman and threw my phone at it. I'm not normally one to panic like that, but I little flying insects and bugs and ****e like that. I have a real paranoia about them going in my ears or nose or any part of my body. Not sure why. I was having a piss a little while ago and a moth got in the bathroom window. I was terrified it was going to land and make it's way down my shaft, which basically made me spas out over the pain while trying to keep a steady stream.

Needless to say, the phone missed the bee, hit the frame of the window and fell to pieces. So there I was, trapped in the flat with the Zeus of the bee world, no phone except the house phone that was stuck next to the window, and zero weapons. The bee had me hostage in my own home.

Sucking it up, I moved slowly towards one window at the opposite end of the one the bee was hoovering by, and opened it. In what I can only describe as the ultimate dick move by God, as soon as this other window was open another freaking bee flew in through it. This one wasn't nearly as big as the first, but still a hefty fracker.

And then I saw what attracted them. I had brought my GF some flowers in what was properly one of two romantic gestures I've done in a six year relationship (the other one was calling her from Las Vegas). That'll teach me. As the new bee approached the flowers, and the other tried to escape the living room, I did all I could think to do. Waving one of the flowers towards the giant bee, coaxing it over, I grabbed the flowers and threw the entire vase out of the window.

Both bees made their way outside and I quickly closed both windows and sat down to relax.

I imagine I'll be starting my period soon.