Cynical

By O.M. Hillside · Mar 22, 2019 · 558 · 7
  1. Everything seems like bullshit, even everything I say and think. Inspiring crap makes me cringe. Demotivating crap makes me roll my eyes. I'm sick of feeling this way. I used to be able to look at something or read and just take the meaning of it and roll with it. For months now, I'm skeptical and cynical towards everything. I don't see genuineness in anything anymore. I know that people are just living their lives but we're all animated by similar sets of complete b.s. It's actually a super unpleasant frame of mind and I hate it. I don't know why cool characters tend to be cynical. Being this way is as uncool as it gets. It's actually the making of a complete loser. Maybe it's because a lot of people these days are a little cynical and see themselves in those characters. Yeah J.P.'s probably right. If I was religious I (probably) wouldn't feel this way. I even tried just because I wanted these feelings to stop. But I literally can't believe that any of it is literally true. Only true in his pedantic view of "truth".

    But I don't give a shit about J.P. I had a father figure growing up. I know about cleaning my room, keeping your head up and finding a purpose and all this. Hasn't stopped me from being depressed and purposeless(but my room is pretty clean, I'll tell you. Little messy sometimes, but clean). And writing isn't coming to me anymore. This is what really bugs me. But I can't complain because it's actually my fault. I'm not reading enough, I'm barely paying attention to anything going on around me, I'm unmotivated, I'm just smoking weed and drifting off when I'm not at work. I've gone a complete 180 from a year ago when I was literally doing everything possible and getting results. I don't know exactly what happened. I know that the people I was with and the girl I was dating made me feel lonely somehow, felt college was a waste of time, my family also made me feel lonely.. And I just dropped the weights at some point and haven't picked them back up in a long while now. And I'm only 21. I thought feeling this way was supposed to happen way down the line after decades of eating fast food and then your wife divorces you and takes half your shit and your house and whatnot.

    It's not over, though. I know that. I can see the writing on the wall, and this isn't going to last. I can't do this forever. I'm definitely done with weed for now. I'm getting the sense that I'm letting it kind of zombify me, which is just making matters worse. Luckily weed is easy to stop. So hopefully things will start to get better.
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  1. GrahamLewis
    I was talking with my 22-year-old daughter the other day, about how hard it can be to grow up in an age of intentional irony, when everything seems subject to scorn. It must be hard not to see any solid truth to rely on.

    That said, I'm sure you will find your own truth, and this confusion is part of that seeking, whether you want to feel it or not. In one sense age doesn't matter, but in another it does. You are young and likely have considerable time to work through this. Don't give up, and don't let anyone convince you to believe in something you don't just because it will ease your spiritual discomfort. You need to listen to your inner voice.

    BTW, as you suspect, the pot probably isn't helping things.

    As always, IMHO.

    GL
    GrahamLewis, Mar 22, 2019
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  2. jim onion
    ^Age of intentional irony. Isn't that the fucking truth. I'm sick of it myself. At best, it feels similar to how inverting tropes can become cliche: jaded.

    I don't smoke weed because I always have a bad time, but yeah, that might be part of what's killing the motivation.

    Feeling lonely is always worse than being alone. Robin Williams has a great quote about this, I think.

    Try to build habits, one at a time, that facilitate motivation. Pick anywhere you want to start. Just start somewhere. Out with the old, bad habits, and in with the new good.

    I've not much advice for how to deal with the ladies or dating. I'm broken and cynical beyond repair, so I sealed off that part of the house and I'm trying to learn how to be content with focusing on the rest. Maybe try doing that for a *brief* time. Focus on other things.

    Relationships and "love", which I have an increasingly difficult time believing in, seems totally beyond my control and understanding. So I clicked Unsubscribe on those metaphorical emails and I'm doing my best not to look back.

    Or to meme it another way, it's kind of like Alex Jones says. When it comes to relationships and love, "I'm kind of retarded."

    On a deluded good day I see it as a lottery. On the typical day, I'm completely certain it's a load of bullshit and a waste of time.
    jim onion, Mar 22, 2019
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  3. Magus
    Magus, Mar 23, 2019
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  4. O.M. Hillside
    @Graham, yeah you're right. That probably has something to do with it. You tend to have a way of shining a light on these things plainly. Thanks man.

    @Foxxx, you too. And man that podcast was fuckin historical. I watched the whole thing twice. And yeah, inversion and subversion was really popular this generation. I thought that stuff was super clever until I realized how easy it is to do, and how pointless it actually is. But the point is that it's pointless, which is just dumb tbh. The Good Place (it's on Netflix) is a good example of this subversive culture trying to find it's way to some kind of objective or at least reliable code of morality. It's actually pretty interesting and sometimes it's even funny.

    And Magus, that is spot on. Remember seeing that episode when I was like 13 or whatever and "getting it". Now I get it and that song almost makes me cry. Almost. Haven't even been able to that in a long ass time. But Southpark is really wise, even the newer seasons have actually gotten better. Those guys are talented. They got their fingers on the pulse of our culture like no other I've ever seen.
    O.M. Hillside, Mar 23, 2019
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  5. paperbackwriter
    got half way through and my thought so far...
    dont be addicted to cool. cynical is NOT cool. only teenagers think that way.
    it could be one of my misguided assumptions too.
    paperbackwriter, Mar 23, 2019
  6. paperbackwriter
    My advice would be choose the tough unglorious route. The one that seems uncool now but pays dividends later.
    Im 61 and going through growing pains still. Dont wait until my age. Choose maturity sooner than later.
    paperbackwriter, Mar 23, 2019
  7. paperbackwriter
    edit
    we are all addicted to cool. just different versions of it as we age.
    so what in essence we are addicted to is what others think of us.
    carve your own niche......oh sorry that sounds so trite...ignore that one
    paperbackwriter, Mar 23, 2019
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