It feels as though I've been hammered this year with reminders of the fragility of life and the reality of death. I know I'm not the only one who experiences a year of such reminders. You get to a certain age, and it just becomes a series lives cut off for one reason or another like wheat in a field mown over by fate.
My father is now officially a cancer survivor, having undergone an operation on his prostate. Dreams, sudden misreadings of text, facebook status reports are the only external indicators of my unconscious and conscious anxiety. Death becomes all the more real when it comes to a parent, the one who raised you. The one who comforted your tears, took care of you and felt like the strongest person on the earth.
Today I walk into school only to find out that our guidance counselor suffered a heart attack and died. I'm getting so I hesitate to use the word "died" anymore because for many it indicates such a finality.
I've been a Christian all my life, but when I think of death, I don't picture some palatial golden country filled with mansions. When someone dies, I want some concrete answer--something that I can hold in my hand, understanding its properties. I want to reduce death to scientific terms and get to an actual definition.
At this time in my life, I wonder if I'm a Taoist or perhaps a Pantheist, believing more in "mother nature" and her ability to whisper words of wisdom than in the religious symbolism of the Church. It's certainly more comforting to my mind than any litany I've ever heard. For me, it's been more comforting than any Bible verse I've ever read. God forgive me, I am beginning to believe more in Natural Law than in any kind of religious law passed down through the generations. There's something more eternal about it, and unable to be changed by human error. It's not imposed upon anyone; it just is.
I wrote a poem in the writing review. It's just a quick, rough draft, but I think at least it shows where I'm at in terms of emotional processing. While I asked for reviews--I've posted so little on this forum, I felt it necessary to at least contribute something I've written lately. (I've been in a bit of a slow period lately)
If you read this, I don't really need a philosophical lecture, but feedback is welcome. ;-) I'm just thinking out loud right now.
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