December 25, 2009

It was worth it.
Driving all the way here on the brink of exhaustion, my faulty radio making me scream every time it went static. It was more than worth it.
I lean my head against the seat and don't even try to stop the stupid smile from showing on my face. You're so beautiful, even in the dark, with just the faintest light from the moon shining in through the rear window, I can see how beautiful you are; it makes me heart hurt to look at you. I want you to touch me, but I'm too afraid to ask, so I'll wait until you want to do it yourself, and until then this is good enough, this watching and memorizing you and your lines. I think I love you more right now than I have in a long time. I lean my neck forward and press my lips to yours, breathing in deeply, tasting you and feeling that familiar warmth spread across my chest. Your hand brushes my cheek; the hard calluses scratching and making me tingle.
Should I tell you that's what I'm feeling? Or would that make it go away, this easy peace that comes in the still of the night, when all we hear is each other breathing? My eyes burn from how tired I am, and I fight to keep them open, even though I want nothing more than to curl up against your burning body and sleep. I love that, more than I love a lot of things in this life, being held by you all night long. I slip my hand behind your neck and pull you towards me, the way your breath comes faster making my heart pound. I wish I could tell you what is going on inside me, so you know that you're not the only one who feels this, so you know that I'm not totally unfeeling. I feel you; I feel your skin, the heat radiating from your body, your moist breath on my face, your fingers pressing into my skin, your arm wrapped around my back, lifting me to your chest.
I feel it all.
I just want to lay here and feel you breathe, until it’s the only thing in the world that can reach me the way you can. I want to you to whisper in my ear that you love me; I want you so show me in a way that makes me understand.
You ask if I'll ever believe that you love me. I'm not sure, but right now that doesn't matter to me. It's worth it, not being sure, because I know I love you, and right now that's enough. Right now, it's worth it.
You're smiling at me, and even though its dark and you can only see the outline of my face, I want to hide; I want to hide the pure unabashed love that I know is in my eyes. I fight it, the urge to keep my feelings inside, and tell you that I love you. You kiss me, and suddenly it was worth it, all of it. All the months without you, the months of hurt and fear and anger. All of it is made worth it by this kiss, by the way you press me to you and hold me like you never want to let go. Because that is what I feel. I feel you wanting me, and it’s more than enough for me tonight.
Tomorrow might be different, tomorrow I might want more, and tomorrow I might not feel this. But right now, this is all I'll ever need.
You.
And when you leave, I will keep this night the way I keep your picture and your shirt, as a reminder that times can be good again, even if I have to wait another painful six months until it happens.....I will wait.
I will love you.
It was worth it.
Driving home at three in the morning, my eyes so blurry I can barely see the highway, my body trembling from all you've done to it, my mind whirling from the thoughts I can't keep out of my head.
It was worth crawling into bed alone, wanting to cry from how badly my body ached to have you hold me.
Loving you tonight, even if it was only for a few hours, was worth it.