depressing week

By RHK · Apr 15, 2013 · ·
  1. Last week was pretty depressing.

    One of my pet rats, Sobeknofru ("Sobey"), had a stroke (all my four rats were named after Egyptian queens: Sobeknofru, Twosret, Nefertiti and Hatchepsut). As a result, she was too weak to feed herself so I began to hand feed her 3-4 times a day. I also washed her every couple of days since she wasn't able to do that either - or not to any satisfactory degree.

    She was doing better for a while there, seemed to be improving...and then she had another stroke. She didn't recover from that one. She lost a lot of her balance and coordination and seemed to be pretty out of it most of the time. Still very eager to eat though, flopping out of their igloo when I approached with her food. But she was losing weight even with regular feedings, and moving even a tiny amount made her pant.

    So I took her to the vets today and had her put to sleep. Even though I feel it was the best thing for her, and for my sanity as I hated watching her deteriorate, I feel immensely guilty. Guilty because despite everything, she was still willing to eat and make a go of it. She didn't give up. I did.
    But in the end I can only use my own judgement, and rightly or wrongly I judged that the situation was probably distressing for her and that it was kinder to put her to sleep before she deteriorated any further.

    Sighs... I feel very tired after all that. Agonizing over what to do. Trying to juggle looking after her with my university work... I suppose I need to throw myself into that for the rest of the day. Writing about Waiting for Godot at the moment... Seems strangley apt. But I have fallen behind schedule and I really need to bang my argument into a coherent shape.

    On a more positive note: I'm generally feeling positive about writing at the moment and I'm in danger of getting addicted to this site again. And I sent a poem to a magazine and the editor actually bothered to put a PS on my rejection letter! :p (Ran something along the lines of "I like it but not quite enough") So I will regard that as a positive thing since I didn't expect to get any comment at all.

    ---

    Pain,

    After the violence,
    a vague suffocation:
    Cotton in the lungs,
    A fog in the brain.

    Nigh invisible to the eye,
    Heavy in the heart and sigh -
    Better to assume its
    omnipresence.

    Yet pain remains
    a lonely burden,
    and hard to share:
    a dull dried-up stare.

    *I know this looks to have something of a patchy rhyme (non-)scheme, but I didn't actually plan for it to have any rhyme scheme at all. It just came out like that.

Comments

  1. Em_Anders
    That's an awful event to have to experience. My condolences, RHK. I've had to put down my two cats and my Great Dane, Henry, and still get depressed and miss them on a regular basis. I hope things look up for you and your remaining furry family members continue in good health.

    And, I like your poem =)
  2. RHK
    Thanks - despite what I said in my poem about sharing, writing the blog (and poem) actually helped a lot. :) I still feel sad when I think about her though.

    Thanks again for your kind comment :)
  3. Em_Anders
    Sharing is a form of therapy. You share your feelings, you heal yourself. We share good feelings and spread the wealth :D

    Have a happy Friday!
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