Depression, Social Anxiety, and Self harm
Well, my depression is kicking my ass tonight, so to prevent myself from doing the self harm part I figured I would write about my issues to keep myself busy. Well first off, like the title suggests, I have depression, social anxiety and a habit of self harming.
Well, basically I have clinical depression. I'm tired most of the time, have next to no motivation to accomplish anything, and I don't even have much of a will to live. Hell, I probably would have killed myself already if I wasn't so apathetic (the sad part is, I'm serious). I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Its so f***ing frustrating at times. Like part of me really wants to care, but for some reason I just can't most of the time.
This one really sucks. Many times when I have to deal with people in real life, I come close to haveing a panick attack. The idea of talking to someone I don't know very well on the phone, or calling them is f***ing terrifying. For whatever reason, It seems like I have to do every thing perfectly infront of others. And there is no way I would be able to be really open to others about my issues in real life. Again, very frustrating. I really want to make close friends, and get a girlfriend or boyfriend, but if I try, I'm more likely to end up with a panic attack than to succeed. So, I'm basically a shut-in at this point.
This is something that I'm sure that anyone who doesn't do it, will think its crazy. I do it because it helps with the anxiety and depression. I probably started doing this in middle school. Back then, with out even thinking about it, I used to press the ends of my fingernails into the palm of the opposite hand. Through out most of middle school I had marks on the palm of my hands from doing this so much. Now, I usually cut, and I'm really sorry I started that habit. Its pretty addictive. Though the most f***ed up thing about it is that it works. While I feel the pain of it, I just seem to feel relaxed and content. When cutting isn't an option, I'll bite down on one of my fingers instead.
So...yeah. Anyways, I guess I feel a little better now.
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