Dialogue with a Sexist

Kangaroo moods, do you know what you need in your life? A bit of bloody stability. You ever think about getting yourself a girlfriend?

If anything that would probably make me even less stable. Women are utterly mental man , I’m tellin’ ye.

What do you mean?

On the surface there’s this picture of normality, but if you scratch below that outer hardness more often than not you’ll find a world of shit sleeping underneath.

Sweeping generalisations! Not all women are like that.

Yea but a lot of them are, that’s the thing. So you see this girl, right, and she’s nicely dressed: stylish clothes, nice make-up, hair straightened. And you start a conversation with her. Just a superficial one about the weather or some shit, nothing serious. All superficial. Do you see anything wrong with her? Of course you don’t. It’s during the day for fuck’s sake. They know how to hide. They’re self-conscious about what others think so they keep this screen up. But they’re more convoluted than men. Find her on a bad night with a bottle of vodka in her hand, hormones raging, and what will you see? An emotional wreck, that’s what you’ll see.

If I were a woman I’d probably slap you in the face

See what I mean!? Women think they can just go around slapping people in the face because they’re so sensitive about this whole sexism thing. Let’s face it, we’re different. It’s not fair that a woman can just take advantage of her sexuality at every turn but then complain about inequalities of the sexes. You play the game you deal with the repercussions.

I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Women use their sexuality all the time to manipulate men’s naivety. Picture the scene. There’s that flirty girl sitting in the corner batting her eyelids at every lad who’s stupid enough to give her the attention. Men think with their penises, you know that. All a woman has to do is throw out an ambiguous flirty remark and they have the upper hand. If she’s attractive, the deal is done. Any red-blooded male laps it up. Even if he’s privy to the game and he knows she’s just being a tease, there’s a small part of him that clings to a ridiculous hope that something might materialise at a later stage.

Sounds like you might have gotten a bit of rejection in your time, my friend. Any truth in that?

I may have fell victim to a few scorpion women but who hasn’t?

Here’s what I think: All sexists are sexual failures.

Excuse me, I’m not a failure.

Their beliefs are driven by fear, whether of rejection or intimidation. It kind of reminds me of the racist scenario. You tar a whole race or group according to the actions of a few who do indulge in the stereotypes. You see a young black man behaving disgracefully on a bus, and you’re stewing near the front while he’s jumping ‘round the back making a scene. And you use that bitterness to base your opinion on his whole race. It’s not really fair is it? At the end of the day you’re condemning a whole group of people who’re not here to defend themselves.

It’s broader than that though. Women have a different make-up altogether. They have this extra card that they were born with. You can’t blame them for using it to their advantage. But sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach. There’s a certain crude element to it, because the poor naïve simpleton’s heart quickens at the brush of his thigh, and he acts accordingly to the flutters of his heart and or his penis.

That poor naïve simpleton being you?

I speak for all the simpletons of the world.

So what do you propose then? Ignore all females?

I’m not saying that. I’ll still engage in the game. It’s just I’m saying I’m above the pettiness of it. I see that kind of frivolous behaviour a mile away and I’m not fooled by it. I see it as the utter manifestation of vanity and it’s disgusting. Women might think they’re playing me like a fiddle, but in reality, it’s me who’s playing them.

Complaining about frivolity while admitting to your own frivolousness. How ironic!

But what I won’t do is take it to the next level. That next level being a long-term relationship. Fuck that shit. If you’re one of them unfortunate little souls to have become entangled in one such state of affairs, then I say good luck to you. You’ll be dealing with an unstable schizophrenic who’s main personalities are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. More often than not, Mr.Hyde will reveal himself to be the dominant one and you’ll be lying in bed at night thinking to yourself, ‘Where was that lovely person called Dr. Jekyll who I first knew and first fell in love with? The bubbly, easy going one with a good sense of humour, where the hell did he go?’ And the answer is, he’s gone sonny jim. He was never there in the first place. She just used that personality to hook you in and gain your favour and love.

That’s outrageous.

It’s true though! It’ll be a constant battle with insecurity, jealousy, mood-swings, manipulation, emotional blackmail and guilt trips. She has you by the testicles and there’s no getting away… A year into the relationship this is what happens: ‘Honey, I was thinking about heading out for a few beers with the lads tonight. You don’t mind, do you?’ She looks at you for a second, a crazed look in her eye and the thrust of her argument is like, ‘But what about me!?’ she’s saying to you. ‘Why do you never give ME any attention? Why can’t you just stay in tonight with ME and we can watch The Notebook for about the 100th time?’

Haha, that’s absolutely ridiculous! No women are like that.

So you persevere and you say to her, ‘Look, I haven’t been out with the lads in ages and I’m going for a few beers no matter what you say’. Your stubbornness has caused her to use her last defence. She’s saying to herself, ‘That’s it. He’s not getting anymore sex from me.’ And she stays true to her word and you don’t get any sex for weeks! You’d nearly be better off just watching porn. And then if she ever catches you watching porn, she feels inadequate! But what the hell do you expect if she isn’t giving you any sex!?

I feel sorry for you…

Then if she’s not as vocal about it, she could be that other type. The silent treatment type. You say to her, ‘Honey, I’m going out tonight for a few beers with the lads.’ And she’s putting away the washing without saying anything for a few seconds, and then she says, ‘That’s okay’. But she doesn’t say it with any conviction, it’s like, ‘I’m saying this but there’s actually a whole subtext to what I’m saying. What I’m really saying is the opposite to what I’m actually saying, and if you don’t notice this you’ll not be getting any sex for weeks.’

I feel exhausted just listening to you.

It’s plainly obvious she doesn’t want you to go as she wants you to stay in with her to watch The Notebook. You don’t want to cause an argument so you go on ahead, but lying there at the back of your mind is your sulking wife who wants you to feel guilty for going out and having a few beers. You come back that night and you get the cold shoulder. In the morning, there’s no breakfast, and she’s acting snappy and cold, and with a hangover that’s just even worse.

So the moral of the story is, you don’t want a girlfriend then?

No what I'm really saying is, I want a girlfriend. Everything I just said there, I didn't mean. I'm now like a woman, I say things but I mean the opposite of what I say...

You're crazy...