Dido once sang, "I will go down with this ship. I wo't put my hands high in surrender. There will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love, and always will be."
I never thought I'd be that kind of girl, falling "blindly in love," not seeing beyond the eyes of the guy I find myself wanting so badly. Not that I am now, I'm just teetering too close to the edge of it all.
Even in middle school, I couldn't date somebody I didn't see going anywhere. I'm not a gold-digger, I just figured out early in life that the neediest of men and boys are the ones who have no ambition. If they've nothing to focus on, then they will focus on you untill you lose focus on yourself. I don't want to have to say "I love you" everyday, saying it that often means one of us is lying or the other one needs to be reminded. Why should I have to remind you I love you? I can't be that cold and calculating that you can't see that I love you. I cannot stand dating a needy guy. And even worse, I don't like throwing my emotions on the line if I am not sure where said line is being cast. My emotions will not be the lure which baits you to me.
That brings me back to the pint of this all. I told a guy, oh, two months ago that I'd liked him for about three months at that point. It was funny too, I had planned to tell him, but he wasn't at school and it slipped to his best friend who I had also befriended. Now, because of his best friend, it slipped to his sister. She was exstatic about it, just waiting for me to ask him out. Little did she know, I wasn't going to push it that far, I just wanted him to know I liked him. So I called him the night I told his friend. He said, "Okay." That's all.
Okay is worse than "No." No means that I get to move on, don't need to wonder how you feel, I know, so I move on. Okay is like being on thin ice, suspended over my own emotions, confused as to which way to skate off to. Do I push you 'til you say yes or no? Do I simply stand here as the ice disappears beneath me? Or do I just act as if nothing happened?
I took Option C, and it was a mutual decision. Sure, I got the funny looks when he realized that another of my guy friends hits on me, and hits on me hard (note to self, tell him "no dice dude, no dice"); and yeah, I'd get the odd habit like stealing my food after I've started eating from it; or the taking my swizzel sticks after the sugar was gone (I have never know somebody to want a wooden stick that used to have sugar on it, never in my life until him); but I never got a definite answer or response from him. We just went along as if nothing happened. And nobody was in his mind to give me a clue. And I had decided that all I could do was tell him.
Yeah, I broke my own rule, I cast my emotions out on that line, but ne'ry a fish did I catch.
Said fish has recently done the last thing I'd have though him to do. Well, not "him" as him, more like "him" as I a guy I liked. Like, present tense, still like him, and he's still a drop-out. And I still like him.
Emotions should come with manuals, "The How To of Being You." But nobody'd read them, sooo...anyhoo.
I will go down with this ship, I'll just be holding my hands high in surrender. That white flag has been stained blue, and, if a certain Panda is reading this, nothing's changed, I still like you.
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