Published by cydney in the blog cydney's blog.
Just posting thoughts here & hope there's no imposition.
Don't you hate it when someone thinks you're thinking what they're thinking?
I am way too sensitive sometimes.
I don't know why.
I know who cares about me.
And I know that one little word,
one misunderstood thought,
one night or one day
won't change that.
The magician mixes his chemistry
at a price. I should be sympathetic
but what I am is empathetic.
I pay a price too.
Destiny In the Air
I'd like to hear
loud and clear
but there's so much interference -
static on the screen, noise
in the ear.
I guess that's the wrap
around this gift -
I always figured
as long as I didn't do anything wrong,
really really tried not to mess up,
I wouldn't be blamed
for stuff I didn't do.
In the last few years
I've discovered that's not true.
Don't know why
it took me so long.
I remember a really good sermon
about integrity -
acting the same way all the time
as if God were watching.
I'm not perfect by any means
but I've always remembered that message.
Determination: No one heals overnight.
Longing: I want to have fun again.
Some memories are so bad & still hurt. Then you have memories of something that someone said or did that point the way to better understanding yourself.
I'll never forget a discussion I had with a lady at church. I was telling her how I'd had a terrible experience on a favorite website (where I had once been well liked & accepted) & that the logical thing to do was just leave & never go back. But instead I seemed even more obsessed with it. She told me 'you keep going back because you were rejected & you keep hoping the same people who hurt you will accept you once again.'
I think she was right. In my moments of anger I wanted to say 'I'm just here to piss you off' but deep down inside I wanted them to love me again.
Am I experiencing a reoccurring nightmare or is it just my imagination?
Anyway I gotta go to work.
Have you ever tried to ignore something or pretend it isn't there hoping it will go away & it never does?
Labor Day Weekend
I'm kinda afraid to move
afraid to speak
but I don't wanna sit here
and do nothin'
and I don't wanna
sleep my life away.
Love this song "Cause Baby, We're Fragile"
He thinks I should be warmer & softer & I've been drinking wine & crying all night because it's not me who needs to reach out. It's him. He needs to stop being so shy, step out of his comfort zone and share his feelings honestly. If he can't do that I have to conclude he is not sincere,
I wonder if he thinks I might be too hot to handle!! Lol. He can't handle me! haha
Whoa that wore me out saying all that.
I wrote a lot right here!
The Real Disturbance
because I've lost friends
(who apparently weren't real friends)
and lovers who cheated
and want to come back
as though nothing ever happened/s.
But what disturbs me the most
is that my spirit has lost its freedom.
You would say, that's your problem, your fault.
And you would be right.
But it's also ok for me to write about it
and to look at you with a suspicious eye
because you don't, or won't, stop
doing what you do.
Flashbacks & Patience
I get so terrified I can't move
and then when I do -
- it's the wrong thing!
How would you feel if you felt like someone was watching every move you made and analyzing everything you did (negatively) and you hoped you were just paranoid then you found out it was TRUE??
You'd probably write lots of run-on sentences. And try to make jokes.
My love story
(No ordinary love, by Sade)
When I get a little tired,
a little sloppy, a little sentimental
I think about my love story -
just MY love story,
when it was the only one
and everyone knew
he was the one I wanted
and I was the one he wanted.
The only question was
how odd it was that those two
would want each other.
How can I get back there?
To a time when things were real?
and every single day,
every single hour
was not a fight for survival.
I'll keep hiding in this little chamber
and only come out when I can't stand it anymore
and you can keep putting me back
when I get in the way.
It wasn't always that way
but that's the way it's become.
From the greatest to the least
I'm so emotional this morning! I'm sure I'll get over it.
tears of joy
I don't ask for much.
I just want to log on to the internet
and be loved for just a few minutes.
Can't you understand?
I'm gone all the time
because I learned what's here
is not real.
It never lasts.
It means nothing.
But just for a few moments
someone loves me.
Some one thinks I'm worthy.
And yet there's all this competition,
all this jealousy, all this wtf f stuff?
You were yourself all day and all night.
You rule the world.
Why can't you just leave me alone
for just a minute?
I don't understand.
You have what you want, here,
all the time.
I have nothing.
I work. I'm poor.
Why can't you just let it be?
Should I apologize for being so emotional?
I think sometimes I don't take the time to be sad, don't let myself grieve over friends and family and lovers lost. I want to say it's not the relationships, it's the situation, but that's not true. The folks I love and the loss of them are what make me sad.
I wish situations and circumstances all along my path, could have been better. I wish I'd done the right thing, made all the appropriate moves, but I'm such a train wreck, and if I'm not the wreck happening, I'm like one waiting.
I look back and I think, what could I have done differently, and there are so many wrong choices, I can't begin to reconstruct my life.
Situations, reactions, conversations, scenes run over and over in my mind. They're painful. I feel all the same shame like the first sexual abuse as a child.
Shame, embarrassment, guilt - it is all there, happening again and again.
The entire point to this was to say, I wonder if I took the time to cry and grieve and be sad, if maybe, I wouldn't be so angry.
but I can tell you how I feel
only sometimes like now.
I can tell you I love you
I can tell you I'm disappointed
I can tell you
I'm barely hanging on
because hurt is the fulcrum
that pushes me away.
All you have to do -
stop hurting me,
I see all the pressure.
I SEE it.
But I can't help
but ask for help.
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