I remember a few months ago when we were cleaning the house for inspection. You were attending the pot plants and I was wiping down the computer table. Due to an enormous amount of psychological stress you were under, your mood had reduced to something vicious that day, as you had been pretty short and stubborn with me for the latter of the afternoon.
I was trying my best to not let your mood affect me, as I knew it was just a product of your mental state, however at the breath of one last short-tempered snap, scolding me on the quality of my cleaning, I couldn't help but let a few tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. I tried to hide them from you, but like any Mother, you were able to detect the sound of my sniffling with an electric-fast flash, and thus quickly responded with a soft, maternal, 'what's wrong?'
You're being too mean, I replied.
I could see you were as upset by this as I was, quickly gathering yourself by my side.. 'come, I want to show you something.' With your hand on my upper arm, you guided me to the photo stand. You picked up the photo of you and I on my first Christmas.
'Look', you said,
'This is my FAVOURITE photo of you and I. When you think I don't love you, you just look at this photo; I do love you. I love you more than you could realise'.
Mum, at that moment, I felt so happy I could've floated away; not because I didn't know you loved me, I always knew you loved me, but because you said you loved me with such conviction and depth, that the very sound of your voice took hold and cradled me with a kind of nurturing warmth that, as I now realise, only you could provide me with.
When I decided to write a eulogy I didn't know what I could say that could properly justify how much I love you, and what a beautiful person you are. There's just so many things I want to say to you, for you were such an incredible human being, and Mother.. but, unfortunately, as I stand here before you, amidst in the reality that you're gone, the torn, shredded sinew, all that is left of my once whole heart, twists and aches with such excruciating valour, that I can barely breathe out the words on this page.
All I can really say is that I miss you terribly and that you are irreplaceable- and that all I want to do now is climb to the highest peak on Earth, so that when I scream out, 'I love you Mum', I might be close enough to heaven for you to hear it.
Wish me luck.
I love you,
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