Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

Only to get crushed by the rabbit.
A big fat rabbit.

On my last blog post I mentioned falling down the rabbit hole. It was going to be a sold out weekend at the wonderful world of hotel housekeeping. I did indeed fall into a rabbit hole for that weekend. Sucked into a world of it`s own cut off from my reality. The catch is that didn`t last for only that weekend.

I stayed down there for quite a bit. Even made a little base camp. Toasted weenies.

I`ve had this job for six months. Started right before the start of summer. Getting this job was the most random thing ever. I went to community college after high-school for about a semester. My depression and anxiety ate me alive. I was still coming out of traumatic events, and got far too overwhelmed. I ended up dropping out......after flunking most of my classes and getting on a academic probation list. After that gut punch to the whole self esteem thing I went into the bum years. Were I sat at home and attempted to look for work or set up side gigs. To no avail, everybody here is looking for work. You`r getting chewed up in the numbers game. That and I had pretty much no work experience. I grew up in an abusive home, which then took a plot twist where I ended up having to take care of the dieing abuser. Rounding out the school years my mother had her breakdown I ended up cyber schooling to help with her. Then there was my failed college experience, after getting screwed out of work study. No real room for part time jobs, I did have one thing working in a family store which soon fell apart. Even that i`d get asked about the giant gap and "what I did for money". Of course what I just laid out isn`t something i`m gonna pick apart in an interview so that was always fun.

There was this one string of opportunity with my photography working for the symphony plus doing party's and events. Then my anxiety got in there. I would look at photos for hours and hours and my brain would convince me that each one of them where utterly worthless. I would then become depressed and stressed, stopped finishing jobs and I couldn`t switch to focus on another batch because then i`m freaking out about the older batch not being done. So that fell apart.


I ended up getting a job coach to help find work. He was a moron`s moron to the point it was insulting. No what was insulting about him was how normally stupid he was. So much of what he did or suggested was, irritating and foolish but he was so god dam normal. His co workers liked him he had thank you`s from clients posted around his office, and even got a promotion. He`s the perfect type of boot licker who believes fully in the system and doesn`t question or think about anything further then his morning Wheaties. A big fluffier, or as I call it flat out lieing, in job interviews. Or rather deceptive wording like calling serving cans of soda as slinging drinks while interviewing at a bar. Smooth talking should get you shot like it did back in the old west.

My extreme dislike for that man aside, he had nothing at all to do with getting this job. I am a member of many job looking groups on Facebook and I saw a post about open interviews. Didn`t even say what department. Figured it was a lost cause anyways so wasn`t gonna go but had to go downtown anyways on another matter so I ended up there. Where I learned it was for housekeeping....last thing I ever though i`d be doing. I remember I got nervous waiting and was about to leave when the only other guy there looks at me and says "You gotta do what you gotta do." He went in right before me and came out telling me it was easy and i`d be fine.

Never saw him again.

soooo

he didn`t get the job.

Mayhaps he was my guardian angel manifesting to not let me fuck up again.

I got the job right at the start of the busy season.

Boy was it busy.

I had a hard as hell time adjusting to the job. Felt like I wasnt getting anywhere fast and my trainer hated me. It`s ok though, even the person who would later get promoted over the trainer used to go home crying because of her. Once I got put with better trainers...every dam trainer in the place it felt like...it got better and I got it. Still ups and downs, ups and downs to this day. I`m starting from a different place from most people, autistic, ADHD, dyscaluca, traumatized, depressed, a former cripple, and all the other backstory no one there will ever know. However I always get there no matter what. Doctors said I would never be able to walk after a head on collision, I walk everywhere I can now. Was supposed to be non verbal....my first word was pepperoni....a little later than others but more impressive. I couldn`t go to high school because i`d get trampled (school distract actually told me this) I did that. Tried to stuff me in the children's chorus when I was part of a singing thing (long story) when the video cameras where there i`m the one they focused on. I used to not be able to tie my shoes, turn doorknobs, and etc. I get there...eventually and i`m getting there.
However it`s this long over whelming process. On top of the normal overwhelming process of any new job, on top of the overwhelming busy season. Hotel housekeeping`s the hardest job in the hotel, you clock in at eight or nine then work until the works done. Could mean four.....could mean eleven o clock at night. Second ones the most common. Not to mention after I joined they lost a majority of there staff. I spent a long time as the only part time person there. Doing pretty much full time hours, pretty much because they had to schedule someone. We`ve got new people but they keeping calling off and off and off

I had a original point

I`m rambling hard.

It`s kinda what this junk draws for though. Polished blog posts will go on Medium or WordPress. This is more of a..junk drawer. Rambles ,stream of consciousness, experiment, self expression, and just a place for me to let things out. For me to just write about my experiences as I work to sort them out and over come them.

It`s my safe space.

RABBIT HOLES

I tend to try to do to much at once and then get overwhelmed. That happened this past September, work keeps saying we`ll slow to a dead crawl after this and then....we don`t.....it`s getting better though. Hell we had a big beauty pageant in tonight and got out at five

FIVE

While being overwhelmed is understandable I cant exist that way forever. I need to set a routine, I``ve had those before it`s getting them to stick that it`s tricky. I recently found out is a common thing for things that work for a time to fill in the executive function gaps in ADHD brains don`t always stay working. You have to keep changing so it works.

Good to know.

Also sounds exhausting, everything is just so exhausting. I barley have all the energy it takes for me to function anywhere near like the dam Wheaties guy (job coach).

To help with that I signed up for what is a vitamin box. You fill some stuff out they determine what vitamins may help and send you a 30 day supply all pre set in little pouches you just pull from a box like tissues. Not only will it help my energy, it`s also kinda mental health proof. All pre set, convenient, even kinda fun delivery method, and it`s tailored to you.

I have to find hacks like that to get around what I need to.

I can`t do it alone.

So I found another hack.

I`ve been to therapy once or twice before it helped. However my mother has fallen into a pit of aliens and Illuminati bullshit and no longer believes in that type of thing. It`s funny she forced me into it, and once it started helping me she became like that and forced me to quit it.

Living with her and being unable to drive, as much as I wanted therapy
it was a hurdle. I`d have to sneak around her, I did do that once...then right after I got a letter saying my insurance had been cancelled. Fun.

I signed up for Betterhelp though. They`ve had issues yes but for what I need right now? It works.

Dear god I expected this to be a ramble and even I didn`t expect to ramble this month?

I guess I just have a lot on my mind I always do. This is kinda a good glimpse into how my thoughts collide together.

Idk something about today inspired me. Halloween was bad.

I love Halloween, October has this great energy to it but this year.

I was to overwhelmed, my mother was going on about the human sacrifices and the fun was gone. Then I get up today and that`s all swept away. Like Halloween never happend. November 1st people are writing books, pageant scheduled for November boom right there. Friend who said they'd move in November boom moved.
Maybe I can make something work like that to.

The beginning of a new phase of a brand new season.

Taking it slow at first though easing in. I actually will full out that college re enroll paperwork I`ve had in my desk for a few months now. Just for next fall. Give me time to set up.

Now to put this mess through Hemingway editor and post it back here.

Like I said junk-draw posts won`t be to polished sorry folks.

Well this was terrible, good night folks.

I will try to keep it tighter on the next one.

This is a mess.