TWErvin2 Jan 24, 2009
Captain Kate,

Just a few comments on the first paragraphs:

Doctor Lewis Matthews entered the medical bay, his attention drawn to the far end. He sighed as his eyes looked across the room at the stasis chamber. (what else by his eyes would look, so saying 'his eyes' is redundant) The medical staff had taken custody of the person within after the Ambassadorial ship Avalon two days previously. ('because'? Let the reader use the context to determing. Shaking head gives enough of a clue. He stopped before the chamber, shaking his head in sadness because his prognosis was grim provided radical methods weren’t approved.

Matthews grabbed the pocket computer that held her chart, entering his security code to access the file. (too exactingh or controlling. Allow the reader to paint the picture and remained involved in what's happening.) He grunted as he noted the slight deterioration in her vitals; in fact, she was dying and there was nothing he could do about it. (unless the radical mesures...maybe include that information here instead?) Shaking his head, he felt the impatience grow in his stomach by the second.

What is taking him (who?) so long to make a decision? Matthews fumed within his head (where else would he fume, again, allow the reader some latitude), while he looked (stared ?--'looked' is weak) at his patient within the stasis field.


Of course, just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth and good luck.