First Day of College

To start with a focus on the positive, classes went well! I found them without trouble, although I'll definitely be needing an umbrella as the walk for one of them is about 5 minutes.

The professors seem very reasonable and helpful. Both the journalism and the English professor handed out their respective syllabuses, which outline all 16 weeks of the course. Convenient. I'm already building a head start on the reading. It's actually pretty enjoyable work.

I committed to helping a guy named Bob in my journalism class. He was telling the professor after class that he didn't have the required textbook. I didn't hear or ask why. From the little bit I spent talking to him he seems like a good guy; even said he'd pay me for going out of my way to photo-copy the textbook for him. Looks like I'll be spending at least a solid few hours tomorrow doing that.

But I think I've made a friend, which will be useful. And it probably looked good in front of the professor, although that wasn't part of the conscious decision. Texted Bob that he can sit by me from now on if he wants, so I can share the physical textbook with him in the meantime, and work together on assignments.

Alas, where would we be without Life?

Long-story short, I can count on the bestfriend of my ex-girlfriend walking by me at least once every Monday and Wednesday.

Long-story long: The first time we walked past one another, I pretended more or less to not notice her. Don't know if she noticed me. The second time was unavoidable, since I have to stand outside the classroom until the students-of-the-class-before-me have all left. With the way the hallway bends I was looking right in her direction, and she was looking in mine, so inevitably eye-contact was made and before I realized my mistake and could look away, she'd already said hi to me.

It seemed like a really... meh, I can't really say hostile. It definitely wasn't friendly. Uncertain, I guess?

My response was about the same. "What's up." With a "smile" that looks something like this face:

In other words, the type of response I tend to give to strangers. A room-temperature shoulder.

A flood of emotions rushed through me, and only half of them have to do with her directly. It's taken me a long time - years - to unravel this sensation into each individual feeling, and then figure out the reasoning beyond each one of them. Let's start with the first half that are about my ex-girlfriend--in other words, everything that her bestfriend reminded me of.

It reminded me of the embarrassment and stupidity of trying to get back together with her after a year. I remembered how cold I was when I told her we can't be friends, while at the same time paradoxically remembering that the reason we can't be friends is because I can't help how strongly I still feel. And part of me felt like her bestfriend could see right through me when she saw me, because she already knows all about it.

Which isn't a good feeling. I mean, I know I didn't act malevolently and really my mistakes were just made out of hopeless romanticism and ignorance, but still.

And of course, this person who I'll continue referring to as "ex-girlfriend's bestfriend" might as well be an angel on earth. I don't say that lightly; I'm agnostic. I just really have never cast my eyes on a more beautiful looking person, and in her presence - especially under her gaze - I feel thoroughly judged. Lady Justice without the blindfold. Not to mention that she's a really good person as far as I'm aware, with a great personality.

Yet there's some masochistic element at play here. I refuse to hide, or walk a different way to class. Maybe that's only because I know doing either of those things would just make me weaker.

I don't like the flood of emotions. The turbulence in my stomach, the kick to the groin, the punch to the gut, the nervousness, the sudden weakness and tingling, the anxiety of feeling like my past will never let me leave its web, mixed with the frustration of having a carrot dangled in front of my face that I can never have.

From now on when I stand outside waiting for the class to start, I'll deploy the earbuds. I seriously can't let this barrage of emotion that ruined high-school for me, also ruin college.

And here I thought I'd finally escaped its clutches. I can keep running but I guess I can't hide.