Over the last few months, I have been feeling very lonely, and getting more and more depressed. One of the reasons: nobody seems to want me around. Sure, I get invited to the parties. I've been to four since September. The only time I ever went to more was when I was living in residence at school and half of the parties were in rez. It's the every day stuff I miss. Having dinner with friends, going to shopping, hanging out at a friend's house and watching TV. I got a little of that last year, but it stopped around September. People tell me they're just busy. They have time for all their other friends, just not me.
One day, when I was in high school, I read a story in my class that impressed everyone. One girl offered to do my makeup for prom. I felt great. Then she talked to some other girls about going for ice cream after school. I suddenly didn't care about the makeup anymore. I wanted to be the person they wanted to come with them for ice cream. That sort of thing probably doesn't seem special to anyone else. Something as simple as lunch is more valuable to me than anyone could ever imagine.
I once asked a friend if I was ever going to be invited to learn how to play D&D. She made a whole bunch of excuses about how they already have enough people. They'd let me know. The next time someone who wasn't in her D&D group brought it up, she said that person should join them, no hesitation. I didn't want to believe that person was making excuses. Now, I don't know what to think.
When I was thirteen, a boy pointed out that I come on too strong. Until today, I thought I had fixed that. It was as simple as letting people know I was interested. But everyon knows. The whole world knows. Yet I still get excluded. Today, someone reminded me that I have a strong personality that scares people off. But I shouldn't change it. No of course, don't change who you are, even though it scares people away. Just find people who accept you for you.
I've tried. I've been trying my whole life to find these people. I don't know if they exist.
And please, anyone who feels the urge to give me advice, don't. You won't be telling me anything I don't know. I have been doing what everyone has told me my whole life. I still spend nearly every evening by myself.
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