Guilty of my birth right

Published by Charisma in the blog Maniacal Mysteries Untold. Views: 99

This is a pretty random realization, but I'm confessing it because it's closely related to the forums.

I feel so guilty today. I don't know why. I log on to the site, see some stuff, and I feel like disabling my account. This is just unfair! Especially because I have no diagnosis of this problem. I can't relate to anything concerning this sudden eruption of hate and guilt.

Then there's my real life. I always believed that my life is a unique one, stable, happy and satisfactory, in which there has never been no doubt. I could never ever start, let alone finish counting the blessings in my life. But maybe the problems one faces is related to mismanagement of one's blessings. Which means that the troubles in my life (big or small) are my fault, which is true and I accept it. But what I can't accept is that there is no way out. No way out at all. And if there is, I can't get there. Sometimes, as if - I am guilty of being born.

I guess I've earned this, but sometimes people act so cold and uncaring towards me. They don't think for a moment before telling me that I'm a whore, slut, prostitute or (censored profanities). I accept it, that I probably am that way - but is that it? I get to be the bad girl, and there's no way I can fix it? I know the way, but I can't seem to find it anymore. I don't want to find it anymore either.

Then these people don't ever forget my bad points. There's not a moment in the day I don't hear the bad points about me - no exaggeration. I eat or not, sleep or not, stand up or not, sit down or not - there's always an issue. Then, when I avoid them and sneak up to do things my way at their backs, there's this mixed feeling of freedom and guilt. I don't want to disobey - but I'm not a slave! I want to be a great person, but I'm still just human. I just really, really, really wish I could either lose my memory, or I could lose my ability to feel. It would be so much better.

Well, this vague and ambiguous confession is over.
  • MarcG
  • Wreybies
  • Charisma
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