Life has been weird these last few weeks.
Haven't eaten a square meal in awhile; can't choke down food for some reason even though I'm starving and I feel like I'm losing weight.
Transitioning has gone from my mind. The stress of trying to pass was almost worse than the dysphoria itself. Added to that the social stigma, the health risks with hormones and surgery, and the stress on my family, I've made a decision for myself.
Even if I transitioned, I would never be completely male and as such would never be satisfied with myself. I would be stuck in between, in limbo, for the rest of my life. As such, I'm not going there. I'm back into my half-girl, half-guy clothing. Shaped my eyebrows, shaved, dug the bras out of my closet.
And frankly, I missed feeling comfortable. I missed not having people stare whenever I walked by. The stress has been lifted and I feel like a million bucks. Or at least I would if this week hadn't been a depressive one. But that's nothing to do with gender; that's just my effed up head.
Been getting a lot of writing done lately. I think it's partly due to Ray. Me and him are funny. We're both basically mental cases, so we actually get along. We understand each other. We get that when one of us is depressed, it'll pass. We get what it feels like to want to die; I think just having someone who understands that feeling makes everything hurt a lot less.
We have doubts, of course. We're not the most optimistic people. But we'll do OK I think. We don't really have anyone else.
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