Happy Thanksgiving!

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  1. Seriously though, the stuffing gets made in the oven a day or so before. It's not safe to stuff a turkey that's going in the smoker, and I can't do it the same day because the genius who wired my apartment building put all the outlets on the same breaker, so running the oven and smoker at the same time results in a blackout.

    So stuffing in the oven, turkey in the brine, my favorite is an apple juice/bourbon mix with some garlic, cloves, nutmeg, stuff like that. Stuffing is pretty simple, toast, Italian sausage, onions, carrots, apples, sage, marjoram maybe, gummi bears, whatever.

    Turkey gets rinsed, dried, and buttered. Take the butter and mix it with sage (definitely) and whatever other aromatics take your fancy. Butter the outside, and peel back the skin from the meat around the rear cavity and neck and cram as much butter as you can into the gap. Doesn't matter if it's chunky and lumpy, it'll melt soon enough and recongeal in your arteries after dinner. Quarter an onion, an apple, and some carrots and celery and stuff them into the cavity and neck area. This stuff is going in the trash later, but it'll flavor the meat and most importantly the gravy.

    For the gravy, get a disposable aluminum pan. The turkey is going on the highest rack in the smoker, the gravy pan goes on the lowest. Put a couple sticks of butter, smash a couple cloves of garlic, slice an onion, apple, some celery, and a bit of carrot and put them in the pan. Add a quarter bottle of bourbon, or enough to lightly cover the bottom of the pan. As the turkey smokes, its juices will drip into the gravy pan, which will also be picking up the smoke from inside the smoker. The butter will melt into the bourbon and cook the fruit and veg (it stays in the whole time, several hours).

    Don't forget to make your mashed potatoes during this time. It's easy, wash, cube, and boil some potatoes. When you boil them, put one clove of peeled garlic per potato into the same pot that you're cooking the spuds in, or to taste. Boil them for 12-14 minutes or until a fork smashes a cube easily. Drain the potatoes and get them into a bowl or stand mixer quickly, and add a bunch of butter. How much? Dunno, whatever you think is right, plus 20%. Put some parmesan cheese in too, it's good stuff. Mix the hot potatoes until the butter has melted, and then add cream. Whole cream, it'll coat the butter in your arteries to promote smooth lipid flow. Add the cream sparingly, if you put too much in and your spuds go runny, you can salvage things by adding instant mashed potato powder. Once the consistency is right, taste things and start adding salt and pepper until they taste right. Cover with Saran Wrap and move on.

    My smoker only goes to 275, which isn't hot enough to crisp the skin on the turkey, so when you're about ten degrees short of your goal, move the turkey to the oven at 350. At this point, pull the gravy pan and dump everything into the food processor and pulse it to chop up the veg.

    A traditionalist would be making a roux of flour and oil at this point. I prefer to add two or three packs of turkey or chicken gravy powder and stir.

    When the turkey comes out of the oven, wrap it in foil and put the stuffing into the microwave to heat up. Check to make sure the potatoes are still warm as well, and adjust as necessary.

    After about half an hour, the turkey will be ready to eat. Scoop the vegetables that you stuffed into the cavity and discard them, there's a slight chance that they may not have reached a safe temperature, so their job is done.

    Cranberry sauce comes from a can, and pies from a bakery. If your guests want side dishes, let them figure it out.
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    matwoolf likes this.

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