Hate-Watching Fakespeare

Helloooo,
So, I've been on a history kick recently, I'm sure some of you have noticed. And I became interested, in a morbid sort of way, in this movie Anonymous(2011), which deals with similar stuff to my historical novel, including my main protagonist as a villain. But it has quite nice and relatively accurate costumes for a Hollywood drama, and at least it's trying to be clever. Albeit that the "cleverness" derives from the relatively absurd suggestion that Shakespeare wasn't Shakespeare, but instead was a patsy for Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford to write plays without being recorded as such. Join me on a magical journey of strangely watchable shittiness.
So first of all, why the hell isn't Shakespeare, Shakespeare? Well the film starts with modern, real-life Derek Jacobi(and he actually believes some of this stuff IRL!!) presenting the premise to a modern day theatre audience. Shakespeare is really well-known and performed, but we don't know that much about William Shakespeare the person other than drab records of formalities. And he didn't mention any manuscripts in his will!!!(Nevermind that the Playing Company probably owned most of them and that not willing them to your relatives directly was normal). Also his daughters were "irrefutably illiterate" (lol, no they weren't). So some wacky special effects are visually shown making the scenery of a historical scene and suddenly we're in the early 1600s. It's all rather clever if it weren't so wrong. He's tryin' good old Emmerich, he's tryin' god bless him. If only he weren't shit at actually being artistic.
Ben Johnson(other writer) is running from soldiers holding a bundle of stuff. He hides it underneath the stage floorboards of the Globe, and we see that it's a folio(I wonder who wrote it??). The soldiers burn down the Globe to "smoke him out", nevermind that didn't happen to till after this film in an accident. He's captured and brought to an interrogation room in the Tower of London. Sir Robert Cecil, in the spooky shadows, is in charge of the interrogation and wants to know about the plays. It was the plays in the folio. It's obviously supposed to be the First Folio, which is apparently written by Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford. Johnson refuses to give him the location. Then through a slap montage we transition into "five years earlier", be ready, from here on out we're going to transition back and forth with wild abandon and questionable sense of plotting.
Oxford and Henry Wriothesley, 3rd Earl of Southampton are going to the theatre. The touch of the planks in the street as a little walkway is quite nice, referencing the dirtiness of the London streets. Henry's outfit is S O S P A R K LY, I like it. One of Ben Johnson's plays, Every Man Out of His Humour, is being played, but when the play upsets a nobleman who resembles one of the characters, some soldiers arrest the actors and the outraged Johnson. Johnson being arrested for a seditious play places this as 1597 probably, but the play in that incident was Isle of Dogs with Thomas Nashe, so this doesn't make any sense other than that we have more actual text from Every Man and apparently they really wanted direct quotes. The denouncement is attributed to William Cecil, Lord Burghley, which seems iffy given that a public declaration should probably mention the Queen but whatever. Also Christopher Marlowe, Nashe and some other playwrights that were historically Shakespeare's friend circle are here watching.
Oxford and Southampton go to Essex House, local residence of Robert Devereux, 2nd Earl of Essex. He and Southampton play tennis and Oxford acts as judge of the match. He proposes to Essex that theatre has political power using the example of the controversy of the play he just watched. Essex likes swords though(this is very accurate to his character) and remains unconvinced. He and Southampton then have a secret(!) conversation where he says that Burghley is promising James VI of Scotland the crown as Elizabeth's heir, but he should totes be king. It's not that secret given a servant and Oxford are both outside, and Oxford listens in a sort of alarmed way. He talks to Southampton, who reveals that Essex's claim derives from being Elizabeth's rumoured bastard(???) but Oxford says that Essex is too bravado and they should be more careful. Apparently he thinks putting a bastard as an heir is a-okay and even implies that he is the "rightful" king. I'd like to note that Burghley never actually wrote to James, who's mother Mary, Queen of Scots he was instrumental in executing. Essex actually wrote first and it was Robert Cecil who then continued on. But here, I suppose to simplify things and because this film is obsessed with bastardy, he's essentially the "Cecil candidate" and totally-a-bastard Essex is the counter claimant. This is bullshit.
Southampton is at court next and Robert Cecil, now actually illuminated properly, talks to him briefly. Essex is with the Queen privately because Burghley, Robert's father, is busy with work. Essex and the Queen then come in and Southampton offers her a gift from a mysterious someone. Some crazy fairy-dressed dwarves tell her they have a play written by "Anonymous", which IRL some of Shakespeare's plays were signed as. Robert Cecil doesn't like plays because he's an inaccurate caricature a Puritan, but Essex supports the offer. It's Midsummer Night's Dream, and Oxford is watching too, which he will do a lot in this film lurking in top levels of theatres and random hidey-holes because he's a creeper.
F L A S H B A C K even earlier, near the start of Elizabeth's reign, and boy Oxford is playing Puck in a Midsummer Night's Dream which he apparently wrote while that young. An awkward backstage conversations ensues where Elizabeth declares her love of plays but his father and Burghley clearly him want to Do Important Stuff You Little Git. Oxford clearly knows he's expected to do that, but he can't suppress his Maverick Creative Needs (nevermind this is a time where artistic stuff is trendy at court, the film wants you to think art is edgy).
Oh god are you tired yet? Cause I sure have a burning desire to both kill myself and keep watching.
Anyway, back to Johnson in 97ish, who is being released from the Tower(?) on a favour. It's from Oxford, who he brings him to his house and tells him he wants Johnson to take credit for his plays because "one does not write plays in my world"(nevermind that one of the things used by Oxfordians(people who believe some of this shit) as evidence for his authorship is comparison with poems he wrote and the fact he was known to have written some kind of plays). And of course his servant threatens Johnson if he tells anyone the truth because He Can't Be Seen to Write Dammit.
Now we meet Burghley who is being told of the Midsummer Night's Dream performance by Robert. He is unsurprised that Essex wanted to spite them, but is interested in the contents. He immediately recognises it because it's the same as in the flashback. He's worried that Oxford wants to choose the heir, even though they are arranging for James of Scotland, again, despite the historical fact that the actual Burghley never wrote to James. Burghley realises Essex is the opposition candidate, and proposes sending Essex to fight in Ireland where Southampton will follow. Robert actually gets a relatively sympathetic moment as we flashback to his childhood.
Oxford, his father now dead and a bit older than the boy Oxford, is coming to past Burghley as a ward. Robert is a solitary little deformed boy in the corner, which seems more accurate than the rest of his portrayal. Oxford proves he is Super Sophisticated when Burghley mentions tuition, and then we see him fencing with the fencing tutor. He accidentally hurls his knocked sword at Robert who is playing chess in the background. Then he's a smug dick about it instead of apologising. I'm not sure if we're supposed to agree with this behaviour but I certainly don't. Fuck this version of Oxford. Burghley sends a servant to remove Oxford's poems he's been writing against his instructions, because of course the Cecils have to act like Oliver Cromwell on steroids. Oxford notices the servant and impulsively stabs him through a curtain.
Back in 97ish, Ben Johnson is talking with William Shakespeare, one of the actors from the Every Man performance, about Oxford's offer although he refuses to give away too much who. Shakespeare suggest he can take the credit because Johnson doesn't trust in Oxford's skills.
Burghley talks to the Queen about his get-Essex-killed-in-Ireland plan. The Queen seems weirdly ignorant of the obvious fact that Phillip of Spain likes Catholics revolting against her, despite the fact he's supported it before. But it hard to know what she's thinking, because she just says "Ireland?" like she didn't expect it. Anyway she agrees to send Essex and Burghley gets Robert Cecil on the Privy Council now he's away(even though that was in 1591 and had nothing to do with Essex). Given she's agreeing to the Ireland plan it must have reached late 598 now. Not that they tell you that. And she recalls the Midsummer Night's Dream performance from earlier as "last weekend" which makes it seem like 1597 or at least early 1598. IDK about this shit.
Anyway when Elizabeth mentions Oxford's marriage to Burghley's daughter, we transition back to the wardship setting, and Burghley is outraged at Oxford killing the servant. That's justifiable; Oxford killed him just for snooping, and Oxford looked regretful when he did it. But now he's all "oh but he was stealing my poems, how dare you interfere with my life." Are we supposed to agree with him? Burghley proposes they say it was self-defence, but only if Oxford agrees to marry his daughter who has developed feelings for him. Oxford thinks he just wants an opportunity to claim rights to his estates but can't refuse under the circumstances. So he marries her of course.
They stage Henry VI in the later timeline, again without really telling you the time-switch but at least it becomes obvious with the characteristic writer's group characters of this timeline. The play is anonymous, but Marlowe knows Johnson is involved. Mark Rylance, oh god why so many good actors in this monstrosity, does the intro narration while Essex is shown leaving for Ireland. Honestly the first time I watched this segment I thought the people on horseback were supposed to be part of the play, but I suppose the juxtaposition with a war play makes sense so whatever. The play goes well, but Oxford won't endorse Southampton leaving with Essex, although Southampton goes anyway. Shakespeare takes credit for the play and Oxford is upset.
Let's leave it here for now so this is more readable and I'll do the rest in reply once someone's actually read it, assuming you do.