Having problems with life.

On April 16, 2009, a great lady lost her battle of aggressive lung cancer. She died quietly in her home at 12:09 PM. Sadly, I was not there to see it; I was in school at the time.

Her viewing and funeral were nice, but all the people I saw there did not really care about my Mawmaw, as I called her. They were laughing and chatting, when they should have been grieving over this tragic loss of a beautiful spirit.

I'm really hurting right now. All of this, plus my dad in the hospital for the umpteenth time in a row, is not helping me at all. My grades are failing, and I am falling into nothing, desperately trying to find something to hold on to. My grandmother was my rock, my strength, when I thought I could no longer go on. This is one of those times, and now that I do not have my rock, I must learn to continue on.

Her death must have served a purpose, but I don't exactly believe in God. I know there has to be something out there, but I'm not sure if its named "God".

One good thing came out of her passing; I made things right with my biological mother. I have been angry at her for over a year now, and now that I think about it, it was a silly thing to be angry about. I have found I enjoy spending time with her; much more than I do staying at home with my dad and step mother, who are concerned only with themselves.

Anyway, enough of that.

I think I may have developed an addiction to nicotine. And I'm only sixteen years old. I have smoked a total of four cigarettes since my grandmother's passing, and thats a lot for me. I just caught myself trying to light a cigarette out in the rain this morning and I realized I am doing it out of habit. Maybe I should try and break it now. I mean, come on, my grandmother did just die of lung cancer after smoking for forty three years.

I'm also going to try and lose that nasty little pudge thing on my stomach before summer comes. I just bought a new bathing suit and it doesn't look that great right now, and I happen to love that thing already. I would love to be able to wear it and look good.