I'm sitting in my room on a chilly November morning, and it all seems surreal to me today. I'm looking out my window and watching the cool wind blow through the trees and wondering, once again, where exactly my life is headed. Maybe here? Maybe there? Who knows at this point, certainly not me. Oh, I've tried, believe that I have. Many times I've pondered and tried to put the pieces of my life together, to fit in itself like puzzle pieces just needing to belong to something else. To fit into another space just right, perfectly even.
As I recognize that my life is probably a little more than half over, I still feel a yearning for an understanding I'm not sure I'll ever get. Maybe that's just something we find out in the afterlife. But that doesn't stop me from digging deeper and hunting it like a rabid dog. Chasing this understanding is a part of who I am. Contemplation hits at some point every day, and I get involved in the vicious circle once again.
I lose my self in my thoughts. Lose myself in pain. Pain from the past and pain in the present. Pain I have not yet been through, but know is coming. It's a dark hallway that so many stumble down... Some never make it out. In our existence, this hallway is never ending until we die. Pushing forward. Pushing against the strongest weight pulling us down. Lifting our heavy legs over and over just to survive.
At the other end of the hallway though, there is a light. It's the most beautiful light filled with hope and love. As long as that light is visible, it provides a reassurance that better outcomes are possible in any and every situation in life . it's gotten me through times I didn't feel I had it in me. Hope is something completely invisible, but provides strength beyond measure.
Hope... Hope in change. Hope in answers. Hope in love and humankind. Hope that all the pain and suffering will bring about lessons that can be learned no other way. I will hang onto hope, this day and all days that lie ahead of me. It keeps me alive, keeps me going. Gives me faith in things I can't see just yet. Hope, what an absolutely wonderful word. Yes, I think I could ponder over life's answers as long as I keep hope and faith alive in my heart. The answers will come, just not in my own time frame... And I am okay with that.
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