I don`t know where this is gonna go

This blog post, this month, this life, or this anything. That can be terrifying, not that it`s any different then what i'm used to. Though do we truly need to know where it`s all going? I mean, don`t misconstrue, some idea is good and it`s best to be secure in some way but we focus so much on being in control.

Having never really been in control myself, I know that fear well and even our whole culture seems to be built on planning. Graduating high school and/or college gotta know exactly where you're going. Past sixteen with no license? Get ready for countless "When are you gonna start driving?" or "Halen`s gonna have to get you on the ball." statements. Don't finish college right away? Automatic response "Now it`ll be to late." Even from people who never went in the first place. I`ve heard a fifteen-year-old kid go on about how life has a timeline. Other then birth and death, does it? Why do we let ourselves get so caught up in other peoples timelines? Everything comes in on its own time, it`s better to let a plant grow on its own time. I`ve taken extra time compared to others, I've had setbacks that forced me to others where choices. I let myself get so caught up and wrapped up in how far "Behind" I was to others, it tore me apart inside. Looking back though......

......

That "lost" time....

is when I learned the most about myself. When I grew into being who I had to be to get to where the others already were. Perhaps it wasn`t lost time at all.

Mayhaps it was just my time.

Of course, the extreme side of that isn`t good either. Getting so used to going with the flow, swimming with the currents of the water around you that you never do anything else. React to every change around you without causing any of your own. That`s also an easy trap to fall into, children of chaos don`t always know how to make there own fire. Can lead to feelings of stagnation, unfullfillment, and at least for me be a pretty good trigger into a depressive slump.

There needs to be a balance or an attempt at one. Give yourself time, space, and freedom you need to do what you have to do but don`t use it as a crutch. Make your moves, take your baby steps towards progress and you're goals but make sure they are you`rs. Don`t trap yourselves up in anybody else's timelines, expectations, chaos, and etc.

I`ve gone on and off on believing in more spiritualistic things but I do always come back to it. I don`t even know exactly what I believe in. A little bit of Christianity, a little of spiritualism, Buddhism, and some other Eastern ideas like the red string of fate.

The one thing I do know for sure is that throughout all the ups and downs I've had in my young life I've seen the universe shift peoples path and place things exactly where they had to be again and again. When I`ve been hurting for money and looking for presents for the three girls I do things for in the dollar store cause I can`t afford much else i`ve had old ladies stop me and give me money and then run off before I could return it. Made no sense to me and was bizarre as hell but let me do the good I wanted to. That`s even the smallest example but I do believe the universe does things in odd ways and we are all it`s agents when we need to be.
It feels freeing letting go of the idea (trying to) of having this done by blah, yadda said no excuses, and so and so will be ashamed of me if I don`t blah. Let YOUR LIGHT shine and no one else's. Work towards what you want in the way that`s best for you and that will let you do the best for those around you. The universe will open the doors it sees fit, be ready for them.

I`m trying to be.
.....................................................
.

Spoiler

.......I had no idea where I was gonna go with this when I started. Hell, I originally thought I'd blog about my diabetes concerns....next time....this came out instead.

Better get this edited and up quickly then to bed, works gonna suck me up starting tomorrow.