I don't know what to do

Published by ILaughAtTrailers in the blog ILaughAtTrailers's blog. Views: 249

I dropped out of university for the second time four months ago and I'm thinking of going back again in the spring (either to the same one or a different one). I'm hoping a different one because then I can get a fresh start. But now I'm kind of in this waiting for 2-6 months because school doesn't start until then.

I've been really depressed about my life recently. Last quarter of school I was put into psychiatric hospital because I wanted to kill myself, which I wanted to do because the girl I liked rejected me and I failed the quarter. I feel like such a failure and that if I don't pass university again this third time around that I'm just going to kill myself. I went to community college after I got my GED and got an AA with a 3.8 GPA. But when I transferred to university, I just couldn't replicate the same results and failed three out of four quarters. I've dropped out twice now. I feel so shitty and I don't feel it's a reflection of me at all.

I've been reading books, watching TV, browsing the internet, hanging with friends, and writing but none of these things seem to cheer me up. The only thing that seems to recently is posting on here my problems (venting). I really hate where my life is going. I really wish I didn't mess up school because without graduating I don't know what I'm going to do with my life because I'm not going to work fast food for forty years. If David Foster Wallace had the balls to kill himself because he thought he was a failure, then I do too.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was put into the psychiatric hospital and it would explain why I did so poorly in school -- the depression and making impulsive decisions -- but now I'm medicated and feel normal for once in my life. I'm hoping the school will let me back in because of this and possibly let me retake all of the classes I failed because that would be the only realistic way I could get my GPA back up.

I'm living with my grandmother and three uncles right now and while I don't pay rent I'm kind of hating myself right now for it. I'm two months away from turning twenty-five and I just have nothing to show for it. I thought I was going to become a professional writer or a poker player but it turns out I suck at those things. Now I'm just some lazy adult who's a failure at everything. I don't know what to do.

I feel I'm just stupid. That everyone knows it but me. My jaw is crooked and it probably makes me look like a retarded person (or Jay Leno, as my friend suggested) and when I took a picture of myself yesterday I realized I was ugly even though I think I'm just some ordinary, good-looking, white kid. Life sucks with how mundane it is sometimes.
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