Ok so I`m just gonna dive right in like a kid who doesn't understand how depth in the swimming pool works. I`ve been wanting to do this, and sitting here for hours just staring at the box wanting to make things come out and my focus just flat lines like melodramatic ER show that can`t decide if it`s a drama or a comedy. Tried to use the binaural beats I always do and still nothing.
Just put music on and go. It`s three past three already want to be done by four...gave myself an hour I guess. The thing that baffles me is all I want to do here is what I use this for which is brain dumps. Stream of consciousness rambling which this right here is in it`s purest forms. Thank you all for putting up with this shit.
What did I even want to do this on?
Well.....
March broke me, just frankly. Like if you just scroll back in the blog you can me having a lot of hope for 2020 (which is still all there) and giving each month kind of a theme in the blog post here for that month. Which March didn`t get one. Though it is the 31st so I guess this counts though spiritually this is more looking forward towards April.
....when you're social distancing and a song with the line "I wish I was out tonight"...comes on.....
February`s theme was....routines...or in the end...god knows what I put in the blog. January and the year was on old and new beginnings big or small. It seems kinda flip-flopping but I didn't want anything to in stone because you never know what life will bring or even if you're goals and wants will be the same from year start to year-end. I mean could anyone have predicted where the world is right now? I mean I was already feeling..oh I called this a great year of transformation and so far its been WW3 and fires....and then Covid was like hold my beer. I mean....it is going to be transformative for sure...and there are positive lights in all of this. I am improving and I do feel like this is the right path for me. Kinda been thinking of working on a tongue in cheek comedy piece on that. Self-improvement while the worlds on fire.
March`s theme was supposed to be habit following a routine but it turned out to be more....mental decay. ...... as things do...I started out alright. Having trouble incorporating new habits but sticking to routines, and finishing a medium piece (that would later become quite ironic) then somewhere in there my brain went snap. To describe my mental state the past few weeks....I don`t even know how...it`s like everything kept locked up nice and tight started leaking out but it`d been tucked away so long I couldn`t fully tell what it was.
You ever feel emotions and feel them strongly? But have no idea where they`re from or what they're about but it feels like...it`s just all right there clumping up on you`r chest bearing down upon you while you have no idea what to do with it.
March-April holds a lot of...dates...pesky pesky little dates..that hold scar tissue and tickle memory...though really times an illusion...but its hard to tell that to one's soul....
what does that even mean...
Honestly, I`m still a wreck.....not true.....I`m rattled and fractured still but i`m better. I`ll be ok but it isn`t going to be a breeze. From what I described and just realizing a lot of things I`ve tried to ignore. Things that don`t add up, it`s just a lot.
Then COVID on top of that, work so hard to adjust to a routine and coping methods and my normal just flipped like a pancake and that fell apart a bit though it`s coming back together. Kinda retreated into sleeping, all the time any time.
Did little things but hard to focus
Squandered the extra free time kinda, or mabye I didn`t. Maybe forcing myself through would have made things worse...it did when I went through this type of thing in the past.. I don`t know....
This is making even less sense than they normally do and its three past four. Four past four...
To sum it up. March was unproductive because I had a mini-breakdown again, I`m off most of if not all of april hoping to use it to recover and idk...build something...got some things I wanna get spinning. I think it`s gonna be alright
......Not quite ready for a mind dump I guess....Here`s to April.
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