I`m not even sure what is going on anymore

Spoiler

Oh look it`s me and my constant struggle....I feel attacked.

Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving week this past week. Mine started out in one place and ended in another. Monday was a great start to the week actually, short and easy day at work alleged start of the slow session. Seemed it in and out no problem, schedule up early, tacos for lunch, got to read my book on the bus home, home early, went out to Subway for a bit, ran into and helped an old friend and just had a good day. Kept to the routine easy enough, and that helped things go smoothly. Things go best when i`m keeping to one but keeping to one is such a struggle for me. See memes, there`s ways to do it though I just have to keep doing it. It`s may never click fully but i`ll just have to keep manually setting it keep it going. I like being out in the community passively, just observing it watching things doing the little actions that matter.

Tuesday...i`m not really remembering much about Tuesday. Maybe I was off? I can`t rightly remember. I do remember I messaged the Betterhelp counselor back finally. Then didn`t get back to him again until last night. He responded today, I read it....still need to replay to it. Tomorrow. As reluctant and slow as I am I do like him and have hopes for this. He use`s a narrative therapy style, which as a story teller and story lover resonates with me. Two things stuck out me tonight in his latest message, first a assumption based on certain things i`ve mentioned about my writing ability and talent, the second about naming the new chapter in my life "Escaping Quick Sand" and understanding how it relates to the chapters before it. The first....I don`t like. If only because...yeah. All through school I was praised on it, expected to go somewhere on it, even my dam evaluations which I don`t like reading due to chapters going on and on over all my weaknesses state that goals of writing fall within my strengths. To show for all of that I have.....never finished a writing project in I don`t even know how long. At least when I was being cringey and writing fanfic I was writing. It all just flopped.


The second thing I like much better. The escaping quicksand thing comes from ...the mud...which is a metaphor I decided to use for crippling unambitious effect caused by depression and other things on the spot.

Changing my mud to quicksand...drowning in muds more terrifying it liquidy, goopy, gets in your lungs as you try to claw you`r way out. Can almost picture like a mud monster wrapping around you pulling you down further and further. Quick sand`s pedestrian...i`m splitting hairs...and going kinda dark. I do want the next chapter to pulling past the mud. Actually building something on solid ground. I may feel like my times been wasted but I am still young.

Don`t know why I keep needing reminded of that.

Hump day went by without much note and that lead into Thanksgiving, Worked Thanksgiving which was fine, worked with one other person. Check outs got left out, and all my stay-overs no servied me so I just had to help the other finish there`s. Easy laid back day. Came home with food from my manger, and had a chill holiday.

Friday is about when things turned. Black Friday went black. I don`t know just a melancholy came over me. Went from work to a new Mexican restaurant in town for our own version of Thanksgiving dinner, that got most of it off for the night. Unttilll the next day..my routines got thrown off hard. Supply room door broke, saddled with a new worker who was...problematic..and my routine fell to shit. As did my work performance that day. That was lovely ...at least I was off for three days


which I did absolutely nothing with. I mean I did somethings. I spent way to much money on cyber Monday, I took my platonic life partner and her kid sisters to see Frozen 2, I finally responded to my therapist, I waited for the dam oil man to come, I went grocery shopping, I started packing lunches for work (because they started serving us spoiled food), I journaled, wrote down a list of goals, and rested.

Thats all fine and good but all that spare time and I just ....nothing to show for it. Remember how I said before about applying for Americorps summer session? I checked the site....I can do that now. No where near where I wanted to be by then but I can`t keep finding reasons to push push push off.

Dropped, close to 300 dollars (thats on Amazon you add up non amazon purchases its more) on a keyboard, new harmonicas, a YETI mic, a pocket synth and a 4k camcorder with a microphone. Guess i`ve gotta do something with some of the projects in my head now....got money on the line. Or it`s gone not....got money down.

I`m locked out of my account to check my bank balance to...can`t even find my SS card to change it. Need to sort out the room for that, and to set up the equipment. Guess it gives me a reason.

Most of it came today, and work went fine enough getting back into a routine. Want to add a hour in the morning and meal prep at night when I make my lunch. Got two more days off this week which seems insane. Though it`s fine by me, I don`t know how much longer I can just keep doing that job without going insane. In the very least I need a outlet outside of it. Plus the lower my check the more likely I can get my insurance back.

Something else happend Thanksgiving week. Mother came in on more of her weird conspiracy get rich quick things and claimed we had three years until the rapture.....


Do I believe that? Somethings causing a group of people to believe it, could there be some truth to it? Ive also just now overheard them compare antibiotics to chemo then chemo to mustard gas which is a bio weapon....sooo less faith. Mustard gas....why.....pick something that`s not a dam gas. Chemotherapy is radiation based.

The whole online conspiracy circle though....could write a book on that whole world one day....under a false name of course. It`s fascinating how linked it all is. You see the news cover Pizzagate, Q, and etc as separate small things but...there all linked as part of this large community that branches off into all these different factions.

But say it is just three more years


do I want it to be three more years of not being who I feel like I want to be? Like I need to be? Like I am?

A whole new decade, i`ll be twenty two. Better a late start then never, Just get started pulling through the quicksand whatever sticks when you get out....go from there. For at least the first three years of the decade if we die fine if we don`t......well then i`ll be ready for the world.

Where to even start though?

At the beginning I suppose one day, one project at the time, still nodding along to the day job and the Christmas backdrop. Just pull you`rselve up slowly whatever doesn`t land doesn`t land. Hopefully something does.

For now just get started.


For now though i`m late and my shoulders ache so i`m going to bed without even checking this.



All my worries don`t need no jury they just need me to decide i`m gonna try i`m gonna try. i`m trying i`m trying i`m trying.

That line about waiting hits me yo.

This whole post may not make any sense, I just kinda ramble. I type it for me though so it`s fine.