I'm not a very big family person. In fact, I don't have any family that I am proud of and that I acknowledge. The only exception are my sisters, both of whom I have known for about three weeks now.
We're only half-related, to be fair. We have the same father, but different mothers. When our father passed away (I was two at the time) our perfect family was split and they were taken to Oregon with their mother. Well, through the miracles of social networking I was able to find them. For the first two weeks everything went great and I felt a sense of utter happiness. And now that feeling has metabolized into a shapeless hell which keeps my mind unfocused and my emotions beset by silly theories.
Basically, I got frustrated that one of my sisters had suddenly stopped replying to my emails. For about a week she basically ignored me. I don't know why and there was never any explanation. There was no great secret or revelation revealed, so I didn't scare her off. And then yesterday she sends me an email and asks what I'm up to for Halloween. Still slightly angry at the fact she didn't even reply to a simple hello six days prior I told her that I wasn't doing anything. That's it. I suddenly became apathetic as a way to protect myself.
Shortly after she sent me another email stating she thinks I'm always unhappy. Since I was still angry I fired off an email describing all the ways that I AM happy and that she should probably avoid telling people when they are and are not enjoying their life. That, by the way, is why I named this blog entry: I made a mistake.
I never heard a response from her. I stayed up until 1AM because I wasn't sure if I had pissed her off or if I was correct in my own judgment. In all fairness, I don't know how to deal with women, no matter who they are. Whether they be my sister or some random stranger or my landlord. I am unable to deal with women of any sort. Shockingly, I am also gay.
I'm not really sure what to do. All of this is new territory for me. I've never had anyone in my family that I actually felt love for. Sure, that sounds terrible, but when you come from a family who thinks of abuse as a tradition then suddenly you realize why I am so confused about a proper family.
So, I made a mistake and now I don't know why to do. I really wish I was a smoker right now. Damn.
P.S.: I am unhappy.
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