I Shouldn't Be Up

I should've gone to bed.

Disaronno and Canada Dry's Cranberry Ginger Ale (of all things; it was what I had at hand) sounded like a good idea. After a few alcoholic waters. Let me tell you, nothing like hard seltzer water. You thought things were dangerous before. It's medicinal.

Started reading K.M. Weiland's "Character Arcs" earlier. Like, 5 hours ago earlier, I read a couple chapters before my little binge.

Oh man, I'm right at the point where I know if I lay down, I'll feel Earth spinning. What is it, 1000 miles per hour? Being drunk is a super power. The only way we can fully experience gravity and the rotation of our planet.

It's kind of scary. I can almost see the schizophrenia in my thought process when I'm doing these blog posts. Just jumping from one thought to another as if they're obviously related, but they're totally unconnected. It runs in the family. Should I be concerned? I fucking hope not. Maybe my hypochondria is just mistaking drunk ranting for a serious mental illness.

Back to that book I mentioned.

I didn't get very far but the introduction does a good job of outlining what's to come. As I read about what makes for good characters in fiction, I couldn't help but think about what it would be like to apply some of those ideas to my real life. What are my Lies? Am I on the course of a Positive Change Arc? Flat? Negative?

The characters in our fiction really aren't different from you and I, at a certain level of analysis.

As best as I can tell, "I don't deserve love" takes the cake for the Lie I live. I have a deep sense that it's not true, but I haven't found a convincing argument for this supposed "truth" for me to give up on the Lie. Plus, when you believe something for so long, and reinforce it with all sorts of experiences and self-fulfilling prophecies, it gets really difficult to shake off.

That's certainly not the only Lie I live. I'm the most shallow person I know. Not physically attractive? Don't look beautiful? See you later, and I hope you find somebody who isn't such a piece of shit like I am.

The reason why I live the Lie of not deserving love, is because I live another Lie that makes it true. I'm double-fucked. And boy, for being a guy I sure love getting fucked.

I *know* this, but I'm not willing to change, because this supposed "Lie" is what I want. Some hot, sexy, young, buxom, crafty, loyal, interesting, intelligent lady.



And I either get what I want, or I'll take nothing.

Yeah, I'm aight with nothing. I don't settle for less.